London is the setting of many a Gothic horror from Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde to accounts of Jack the Ripper. The scariest story I have ever heard happened far more recently in 2008 on Halloween night.
On a dark, dark night a group of girls were getting ready to go to a Halloween party. Their carefully prepared costumes were those of dead prom queens. Wearing sashes bearing terrifying premonitions such as ‘I want your babies’ and ‘I want you to meet my parents’; their faces whited out corpse like with bruises, bullet holes cuts and scars, hair and makeup dishevelled and covered in cobwebs, they truly were a horrifying sight.
Once ready, they got shit faced. Well shit faced. So drunk these girls were that some didn’t make it to the party. One spent the night in the toilet, vomming. Another kicked a bouncer and was removed. The girl who is the subject of this story stumbled out of the club, onto a night bus where she promptly fell asleep/ passed out and woke up in Uxbridge, far past her stop.
As she waited for the next bus to take her back the other direction again she drifted into a deep sleep. She was soon awoken from her slumbers by a tapping. She tried to dismiss it but the tapping became stronger and eventually wrenched her from her sleep accompanied by a voice shouting in broken English ‘Hey. Hey lady. Lady. Wake up.’
Disorientated, she opened her eyes and saw a foreign man beside her pointing to her other side. There before her was a young man – a teenager even – standing beside her, cock in hand, actually wanking.
WHAT THE FUCK MAN? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? I’M DRESSED LIKE A CORPSE! YOU MASSIVE PERVERT.
Startled and interrupted he scurried away shamefully into the night. Just then the bus arrived. As she boarded she turned to her knight in shining armour and clearly and slowly said ‘Thank you for waking me up. You very nice man. Sometimes men in this country very bad. He smiled at her knowingly and took a seat a few rows behind her. Sitting back she let out a deep breath of relief.
The experience had been horrifying but she had survived and felt safe knowing her hero was behind her, protecting her. She heard him take out his phone, dial, then say:
Dude, you HAVE to hear what just happened at this bus stop… this guy must have been a necrophiliac or something… she looks well rough…
And so to conclude this chilling tale, let a lesson be learnt: don’t fall asleep on night buses.
In retrospect, that might have been my best ever Halloween costume. Shit, I mean ‘her’, her best ever Halloween costume. Anyway, if you need something to do this Halloween try these:
Halloween Screamings
The Round Chapel, Hackney, E5 0PU
www.experiencecinema.com 28th, 29th & 30th October
Showing classic horror films such as The Exorcist, The Omen, Halloween and The Blair Witch Project in a real church. How scary is that? Answer: shit yourself scary.
Bugged Out & Trailer Trash present Hallogreen @ XOYO
32 Cowper St. EC2A 4AP
www.xoyo.co.uk 29th October
Busting out the tunes. This club night will be full of on trend skeletons and well accessorised ghouls.
The Stroke Association’s Halloween Howler
Battersea Park, SW11 4NJ
www.stroke.org.uk/halloween 27th + 30th October
A fancy dress 5k run for those charitable healthy types. There will be a bar based ‘Monster Mash’ after party. Registration opens at 6pm, run starts at 7pm.
Have fun trick or treating, and if you have any costumes ideas you’d like to share we’d love you in a socially acceptable un-jizz related way.
Comments