Bye Summer! We didn’t even like you anyway…

We’ve got your number weather, so give it up and stop teasing us with your bloody ‘sunshine in September’ antics. We’ve read The Mirror (what? It was an accident. We tripped and fell on a copy) and it told us about the early onset snow in October, arriving just in time to shit on our spirits and ruin our suede wedges. Get it over with. Let the misery begin. Set the sun free to pour its UV rays all over lobster rouged ex-pats in Magaluf and bring on the doom clouds, dark days and runny noses. We can take it, we’ve been through this before.

But honestly, the sun packing its bags and fucking off might not be all that terrible after all (SMILEYFACE). Here’s a list of reasons why winter wins or rather, why we’ll be happy to turn our back on summer – even if this list will just serve to cheer us up when we’re lamenting the fact it’s been ten billion days since we’ve seen sunlight and out skin is takes on the transluscent quality of a tapeworm.

1. NOT GOING OUT

We’ll be rid of those distracting FOMO pangs (that’s ‘Fear Of Missing Out’ in case you er, missed out) because guess what? Everyone’s at home sitting with the curtains drawn, toasting marshmallows on the fire and wearing a slanket covered in various unidentified food stains. Unjudged, warm and comfortable. They’ve not left their bed ALL DAY.

2. WHICH MEANS…

No more rooftop parties. Why do we have them anyway? Let’s remind ourselves, THIS IS NOT THE OC (even if Mischa Barton IS leaning on the bar and making a fag burn in the astro turf). The promise of free cocktails, barbequed meats and beautiful people inevitably ends in a 30mph ‘breeze’, soggy mini burgers (give me a real burger FFS) and bottom feeders like us who’ve turned up for the free booze – which, as it turns out, is a limitless supply of fucking Red Stripe. Again. Where’s my mojito, DAMMIT?

3. FESTIVAL SEASON IS OVER

Unless you’re a sadomasochist, there’s little joy to be found in craning your neck behind 40,000 strangers, knee deep in mud, to see a band you wouldn’t even watch if they played a free gig, naked, in your own living room. At what other point would you tolerate queuing for an hour in the rain wearing a shitty poncho for a £10 pint of watered-down cider that makes you need a piss five seconds later? Are you some sort of sick bastard that can’t get enough of the nostril-scarring stench of a portaloo? See a therapist if ‘yes’.

4. YOU CAN NOW WATCH COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF TV GUILT FREE

Time to hole up in your abode, and watch so much telly your eyes go sore and that the lines between real life and the riveting exploits on Albert Square start to blur. The offerings of soap operas, The X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing will only get you so far. For proper marathon viewing we recommend getting hold of (ie downloading and biting clips off YouTube) these hilari-LOL gems that have yet to make it onto UK telly (‘cos whoever’s in charge of that shit is the same humourless toe fungus that’s kept My Family on the air for 200 years).

Parks and Recreation

Jake and Amir

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia

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