The other weekend, I spent approximately 14 hours wasting Russian mobsters, stealing helicopters, delivering packets of coke back to their rightful owners, and driving over the soft heads of innocent pedestrians.
That’s just how we roll up north. *cocks gun*
Ah…I wish that was how I really rolled, rather than out of an untidy bed and into a lukewarm shower. Nothing gives me the thrills, spills and sense of satisfaction that a few hours of killing people, destroying buildings and crashing cars does. Of course I’d never entertain thoughts of these things in real life (…but don’t push me, just in case), yet it really does it for me when I have a console controller in my hand.

This is a shout out to all the girls and boys who like myself, are frustrated James Bonds. Those who feel the need to occasionally dive behind doors, moulding their hands into a ‘piece’, waiting to scare the shit out of some unsuspecting relative.

I’ve become re-obsessed with the previously alluded to GTA IV.  Nothing has yet topped this game for me, it follows the fortunes and misadventures of Niko Bellic, an immigrant ex-soldier from somewhere in the region of the Balkans. We never find out exactly where… *mysterious*
He (you) then has to make his way in Liberty City (New York) by participating in exciting missions that allow you be as violent as you wish, while also giving you the ability to completely immerse yourself and interact with a city that’s both vast and beautiful. You really feel like you’re struggling along with all the other little pixelated people to survive the Liberty City metropolis. It’s a hard unforgiving world to start with, and that never changes. Although your safehouses get tastier, and the quality of the cars bucks up the further you go on.

Following a tough mission, I completely metrosexualise my Niko by making him take long walks through some of the nicer suburban neighbourhoods overlooking the water. I find these walks humorous if his coat is covered in blood.
But for a real post-mission treat, I let my Niko enjoy a $25 hand job from one of the many (fairly ugly) prostitutes you can find in South Broker. That’s all he usually gets as I refuse to waste $50 on a blowie or $100 on a screw. That money was hard earned.

Now, I can hear what you’re thinking.
“But wait a minute Chrissy! Why would someone so sweet-natured, kind, charitable, and gentle to all living creatures, a sensitive and quiet female who never has a bad word to say about anything, enjoy being such a tasteless, violent and irresponsible asshole?”
I know! I have to say, I’m fairly grateful to have games as my temper outlet. If I didn’t have them, I’d cease to be the lovely calm woman you know, I’d probably turn into some bitter, sarcastic mare who finds fault with everything. Perish the thought! Why are you rolling your eyes?

Can’t think of anything to write here, so I’ll cop out and do a list.

My gaming top six...

(Not necessarily great games, just the ones I’ve wasted the most time on.)

1. Road Rash (Megadrive)

I loved this game. It was absolute shit, the sound effects could have been used as a repetitive torture method, and it was a piece of piss to complete. But I went back to it time and time again. I didn’t realise until the second time of going through it that you could grab weaponry from, and kick the other riders off their bikes. I’ve loved mindless violence ever since.

2. Sonic The Hedgehog (Megadrive)

The little spiky blue bastard who wormed his way into the hearts of platform fans the world over. Losing a big collection of rings near the end of a level was enough to cause fairly violent reactions, screams of agony etc. I spent a magical summer playing this when it came out, holed up in my bedroom, completing the arse off it. I’m still proud of the fact that I won every chaos emerald…quite an achievement. A pointless one, but still.

3. Crash Bandicoot (PS1)

Basically Sonic, but with infinitely better graphics. The level in which you had to ride the wild boar and jump over the spiky logs was a particular favourite of mine. Favourite as in it was the one that caused me to scream out in frustration and disbelief at my own ineptness the most. Class game, loved this one. Still play it now.

4. New Super Mario Bros (DS)

AAARGH!!!!!! How many times have I died in thee? Let me count the ways…
Seriously, the little tune that plays when Mario dies YET AGAIN should be my national anthem. Infuriating, insanity-inducing, addictive little shit of a game.

5. Motorstorm (PS3)

Not going to lie or be humble. I’m fucking awesome at original Motorstorm, especially the online one. On the previous PS3 machine that carked it, I had all the medals and awards…now lost forever. You’ll have to take my word for it. Or race me, bitch. *rolls sleeves up*

6. GTA IV (PS3)

The daddy. You remember that crap Nike advert ‘I am Tiger Woods’? Well I am Niko Bellic. He’s an idol of mine, a man who struggles and makes good…admittedly by murdering and double crossing people…but they’re all baddies! Aside from them, the pedestrians and innocents I sometimes shoot Amon Goeth style are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I find the wanton destruction relaxing.

Games are wonderful. They give you a sense of satisfaction on completion, they distract you when you’re sad, they enhance your reflexes (proven) and keep your mind ticking. I can’t imagine a world without them. I find the worlds within them are great places to be when this one gets a bit too much.

If you have absolutely no interest in games, I thank you for reading.

If you do, and you know by heart the wondrous and helpful (cheaty) thing that happens when you dial 482-555-0100 into the mobiles on GTA IV, I facking love you.
I said that in my best Bellic accent.

– Chrissy