I need to type this quickly as I may orgasm before I finish the sentence.

It’s June, it’s 2012, that means it’s time for the UEFA European Football Cha- *gasp* sorry.

Once again, the UEFA European Football Championship, or the ‘Euros’ if you speak fluent abbreviation.

This year, the greatest sporting event on planet earth (YES, IT IS) is taking place in Poland and Ukraine. I mean that too, it makes the World Cup, the Olympics, and the ‘World Series’ (which only seems to feature America – snort) look like a troll stood next to Angelina Jolie.

There is just something about the Euro competition that leaves the others standing. Yes, the World Cup is technically the bigger one, but bigger isn’t always better eh girls? Don’t answer that.

I’ll put my serious head on now for some stats. This is where we learn snippets of stuff that makes us look like a cocky legends down the pub.

Now, according to my pristine footballing sources (own brain, and Wikipedia), the following things are all you need to know about Euro 2012:

1. The European Football Championships first took place in 1960, in France. The Soviet Union won it. It’s held every four years, like the World Cup.
2. The man who first thought up the idea (in 1927!) was a Frenchman named Henri Delaunay, and the trophy is named after him.
3. The current Euro champions are Spain, having won it in 2008 when the tournament took place in Switzerland/Austria. The most successful Euro team are Germany, who have won the title three times. England have never won it, the stupid bastards.
4. Sixteen teams compete in these finals. For the 2016 tournament (taking place in France), that number will be increased to twenty four teams. *comes*
5. The current president of UEFA is French football legend and pass master, Michel Platini.
6. The pitches are made of grass and soil. I’m bored of stats.

Info for England in Euro 2012

This is our kit for the tournament:

Our manager is now Roy Hodgson. As a die-hard Liverpool fan I’m saying nothing about this and the useless wanker, I mean, man has my full support in his England endeavours.

Fabio Capello resigned in February following the John Terry palaver. I’m sure you remember.

The England team captain is midfield legend and knight of LFC Steven Gerrard, QUITE FUCKING RIGHT TOO.

In the draw for the finals, England ended up in the group with Sweden (hmm, ok), Ukraine (not too bad), and France (cunting arse bollocks).

Our opening game is on 11^th June against France (WHY GOD WHY) in Donetsk, Ukraine. We’ll stay in Ukraine for our group matches.

That’s the technical stuff out of the way, now the fun stuff.

Hottest Euro 2012 players to look out for:

Olivier Giroud (France)

Xabi Alonso (Spain) 

Mario Gotze (Germany)

Ivo Illicevic (Croatia)

Mikael Lustig (Sweden)

Kevin Strootman (Netherlands)

Finally, a quick mention for Yoann Gourcuff, by far one of the fittest men to walk the earth, who has been axed from the French squad. I protest most strongly at this decision.

I mean, look!

*weeps* Who cares if he plays well or not?? He can just stand there and wave* to me!

*propose

Make Euro 2012 more fun!

Put the names of all the finalists in a hat and start a pool for friends/family. That’s what I do. Never won any of these myself as I always, without fail, get one of the joke teams who have no business being there.

Or I’ll get one of the top teams, but it’ll be the year all the players are on their periods. For the entire tournament. I’m cursed by the curse.

Play a drinking game, seeing as how this is Britain and we can’t go 45 seconds without an alcohol related event. Pick player names/phrases that are likely to be said a lot and take a shot or swig every time this happens. For example:

• “England looking lacklustre here…”
• “Rooney looking lacklustre here…”
• “(insert Italian players name) has fallen down YET again, gripping his knees/testicles/face/hairstyle!”
• “The England WAGs arrive, reminiscent of an explosion in a brothel sponsored by Bench.”
• “There’s FIFA president Sepp Blatter enjoying an ice cream. The cunt.”

Agree with everything Alan Shearer says, and watch how it freaks your mates out. I LOVE doing this 😉

Easy. It just spices things up a bit if you need that sort of thing. In which case you shouldn’t really be watching football, you jackass on a bandwagon. I love you x

I think we’ve covered the most important points there, such as where it is and who the hot players are. Yep, nothing else to cover.

I want to add that I sincerely hope this tournament isn’t marred by any kind of violence, as we’ve been warned by the media about certain ‘fans’ who have no interest in the sport and only seem to be there for trouble. I despise these individuals with a passion because I love my football like I love my oxygen, it’s everything to me. They sully it.

Enjoy the tournament, prepare yourself for the deep depression that kicks in after the final, and let’s get fully behind our team – regardless.

COME ON ENGLAND!!!