Not sure if you know, but it’s the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee this weekend. She’s spent 60 years on the throne. That must have been quite the crap on deck. Only kidding, Ma’am. Don’t lock me up in the Tower of London and that!
Whilst there are many cool creations in honour of the Jubilee – see our Ruth’s best Bristish inspired beauty buys – there’s also what can only be described as fucking pointless or downright bizarre.
Fish ‘n’ Chips Flavour Sandwich Filling
I was purchasing some Marmite in my local Sainsbury’s t’other week when I clocked these bad boys and nearly vommed into my trolley. Sandwich paste (now there’s a mucky word. ‘Paste’. Never to be used in conjunction with ‘gusset’. Bleurgh.
Having said all that, I blates bought two of the delicious varieties – Fish ‘n’ Chips (natch) and Baked Beans. I’ve yet to try them out (funny that, eh?) but will be sure to let you know how I get on. Maybe I’ll crack ’em open this weekend.
British themed sandwich fillings, 89p/75g, Princes
I Love Britain Union Jack dog cap
There are no words for this, so instead I give you the website description:
Show your love for the UK with this on your pup’s head. We also do matching bandanas and dog capes.
This cap is the perfect size for a small puppy, chihuahua , shih tzu or papillon.
The elastic fasten [sic] is placed under the dogs chin and there are ear holes to keep your pup’s air waves clear
What. The. Actual. Fuckage???
Union Jack dog cap, £5, Zukie Style
Jubilee Marmite
Do you see? Do you SEE what they did?! They got MARMITE and renamed it MA’MITE for the Jubilee. Hur hur. Those crazy muvvas. Honestly, what WILL they think of next – a Union Jack sports bra?!!!!
Union Jack sports bra
I literally have no words for this one. No. Words. Am assuming it’s got a dual Olympics 2012 theme, but still.
Union Jack Push-Up Underwired Sports Bra, £18, M&S
Union Jack chef hat
If you see anyone wearing this over the Jubilee weekend – especially if it’s at a jaunty fucking angle – feel free to punch them squarely in the face, call them an absolute bell-end and tell them Le Blow sent you. Yeah?
Union Jack chef hat, £6, George at Asda
Patriotic Weetabix and Kit Kat
Why the fuck have these been tinkered about with? What is the bloody point?!
Weetabix think they’re so bloody clever with their hilaire ‘Fuel Britannia’ branding. Which marketing twat came up with that one, we wonder? Bet he was well pleased with himself. Thinking outside the box and that.
Meanwhile, the marketing dude over at Nestle gave less of a shit so did a quick ‘Brit Kat’ rebrand jobbie, inviting us all to ‘Join us in a Jubilee Break’. No, ta.
Queen ice scoop
Whilst I actually DO quite like this, it’s still just a leetle bit too try hard, no?
Ice Queen scoop, £5, Next
Regal egg cups
These are awful. And not even in a so-bad-they’re-good way. We’re egg-sasperated, we really are. *insert joke about Queen dunking her soldiers here*
Gift box of 4 x egg cups, £15 plus P+P, Regaleggcups.com
Union Jack leccy toothbrush
Preeeeetty sure we saw these kicking about last year around the time of the Royal Wedding. Clearly they’re still trying to flog ’em and are bamboozled as to why they couldn’t shift ’em first time round. Well, we can shed some light, Oral B: they’re shite. And stupid. Welcome!
Corgi sideplate
Not only is this pointless, it’s fucking hideous as well. Shame on you, M&S. Shame on you. *insert joke about dog’s dinner here*
Diamond Jubilee 2012 Side Plate, £6, M&S
And now from our Twitter friends…
@Zoe_L_Briggs spotted this Jubilee themed coleslaw in Tesco. The fuck’s coleslaw gotta do with the Jubilee? WOSS THE ‘EFFIN’ POINT OF THIS?!!! *I can feel my stress levels rising already*
Jubilee crown shaped dog biscuits
Yeah, you heard. As spotted by @OJGardenRooms. Crown. Shaped. Dog. Fucking. Biscuits.
Jubilee Crown Cookies, £5, Aristopaws
Cadbury’s Jubilee edition
@GhostOMichael quite rightly nominated “the cynical American chocolate company hijacking our monarchy.” Bastards.
He also clocked this Union Jack onesie in ASDA. FOR MEN.
Union Jack onesie, £15, ASDA
Spotted any more Jubilee tat in piss-poor taste? Send it our way and we’ll add ’em to the list.
Also: yes, we KNOW a Union Jack is only called such when it’s on a boat oherwise it’s a Union Flag. But that just sounds so… wanky. So, Union Jack it is. ‘Kay?
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