Balding (badly). Fat, though tall. Mid 40s but looks older. His height used to disguise his weight but now those glutinous biz lunches have taken their toll with the appearance of a paunch jutting out proudly over his trousers. Wears an ill-fitting suit with those grotesque jumbo pin-stripes. Jazzy socks. Blingy cuff-links. Tie with a pattern that looks a lot like cat-sick. Conducts VERY LOUD conversations on his mobile – usually ordering his secretary to pick up his dry cleaning – on a packed train carriage (AKA the mobile version of his office) because he’s VERY BUSY and A BIT OF A COCK.
Removes his dirty Macintosh by flailing about wildly in the aisle-way and ceremoniously yet unapologetically whipping innocent passengers with the coat’s belt buckle. Knocks everyone else out with his out-sized battered briefcase when he squishes his heaving frame into the middle of a three seater. He practically beeps like a reversing wide-load vehicle as he maneuvers into position, proceeding to sit with his legs spread like John Wayne and flapping his dog-eared copy of the FT into your face. But we all know when he gets home he uses his hard-earned to dress up in a babygro and have his bottom spanked…
– Words: Natalie Wall // Illustration: Libby Freshwater
Comments
jon
very amusing and very right as well.
Natalie
I was in fact sat next to such a character on the train this morning. He was a) all of the above and b) cleared his throat approximately every two seconds. ANNOYING!