It’s week four of the X Factor live shows, and I have to be honest – I’m really running out of steam. Or rather, losing the will to live. After a headline-filled week of drama, drama, drama, not to mention a pathetically ‘spooky’ live show and devastatingly bad choice of bottom two, I’m ready to crawl into a corner to never ever have to hear the words ‘you put it down’ uttered again. Especially by Louis Walsh. Twat.

No-one can tell the difference between Ashford and Ashley

At least no-one over the age of 17. Rumour has it The Risk’s Ashley quit this week because he has a religion-based objection to Halloween, and didn’t want to sing MJ’s Thriller, so Tulisa promptly brought back Ashford from week two rejects Nu-Vibe. Does that make him the most brought-back contestant in X Factor history? Yawn. I couldn’t give a monkey’s, and I doubt you do either.

Cocozza lives to talk/wail his way through a song for another week

And the majority of the population wishes he had suffocated to death in the massive boobs of that slutty one from Geordie Shore. Has anyone noticed his ridiculous entrances are getting even longer? Methinks it’s to avoid him actually having to sing too much. So in that case, I suppose we can look forward to two minutes of swaggering down a corridor/through the audience/around the judges table four times before approximately 30 seconds of talking through an ‘indie’ song next week. Every cloud and all that.

Alexandra Burke = biggest berk of them all

I think this week, the only person the nation was more united in their hate than COCKozza was Burke (the berk). Blatantly auditioning for the judging role like her life depended on it, the faux tears, constant nodding, dramatic delivery and fucking patronising comments from someone who has had a couple of shite singles and is only famous for crying into Beyonce’s arms at the X Factor final was just too enraging for words. And then she brought out the big guns, aka “OK DOT COM”, and the nation began to hate her even more. At least she’s given me 24 hours of excellent lolz, with all the brilliant dot com jokes doing the rounds on twitter. (I’m really trying to see the positives here – have you noticed?)

Kelly Rowland broke out the classic ‘calling into work to pull a sickie voice’

But it wasn’t enough. Gutted for Kelly that all her acts struggled this week, two of which made the bottom two, inevitably losing Sophie Habibis, who certainly didn’t deserve to be eliminated. I suppose that’s what you get when you leave a arrogant knob with nostrils the size of caves to babysit your brood. Sorry – did I go too far? (DOT COM).

I’m supporting Little Mix

Partly to apologise to sweet little Jessie, who I (rather unnecessarily) compared to a sloth last week, and also partly because their performance of Katy Perry’s ET was amazing. And bonus – it scared the shit out of my other half (“I don’t like painted faces” was his poor excuse for being spooked by a bunch of girls). Go Little Mix, GOOO!

LIKE IT? SHARE IT!

• Tweet