how to survive Mercury retrograde

WTF is Mercury retrograde? 6 ways to survive the Mercury MADNESS

What the bobbins is Mercury retrograde?
Mercury Retrograde happens around three or four times a year, when the planet Mercury slows down, and appears to stop and move backwards (retrograde innit).

The traditional advice during this time is usually: “Don’t travel! Don’t sign contracts! Don’t marry! Don’t touch electronics! DON’T TALK TO ANYONE GODAMMIT!” but the whole Mercury cycle lasts for eight weeks, so good luck with explaining that to your boss. Unless, of course, you work for Mystic Meg.

Mercury is retrograding RIGHT NOW (from 4th – 25th October) and is notorious for being responsible for misunderstandings and technological failings. I know this to be true because I dropped my iPhone down the toilet (sure) last Saturday. THE 4TH OCTOBER. My device never recovered from it’s bag-of-rice-induced coma. And I daren’t buy a replacement one until Mercury retrograde ends. But, when you think about it, this explains why the iPhone 6 launch has been littered with bugs – bending in pockets, ripping out people’s hair (ouch), and crashing after iOS 8 updates. Right?

So why do we feel Mercury so intensely?
Mercury has a huge core made almost completely of what astronomers reckon is iron. So, as the only planet in our Solar System containing this much metal, when Mercury passes so closely between the Earth and Sun, it acts a bit like a mahoosive magnet charging between polarities. And may explain why I get a million migraines during this time (our nervous system are wired with electromagnetic properties, don’tcha know?).

Is there a way to survive the Mercury madness or are we all fucked?
Calm down, sweet cheeks! Mac going retro offers the perfect chance to tie up those loose ends and create a clear vision for the future. Follow these tips and everything will come up roses:

1. Back up ERRRTHING
Some people find that their computers go on the blink or phone lines go down (the toilet, if you’re me). Mercury retrograde can crash electronic equipment. Back up your computer, mobile phone, contacts like a mo fo *sobs gently at keyboard at the realisation last iTunes sync was circa 2012*

2. Stand-by for delays
Expect delays when travelling and give yo’self plenty of time to get places. I wonder if the Met Line will use the Mercury retrograde as an excuse for late trains? Prolly.

3. Think before you ink
Don’t make any BIG decisions or purchases. Don’t start anything new. Either seal the deal before the cycle starts, or wait to sign documents until the beginning of November. Revisit your commitments, rather than making new ones.

4. Say what?
Prepare to repeat yourself often. Miscommunication is rife during retrograde, so make sure you make like Madge and Express Yourself clearly. Also, try not to take any comments to heart during this period – cos others are having a hard time communicating too.

5. Take time out
Mercury retrograde gives us time to catch up with ourselves, and reflect. Use this time to work out future plans – but don’t act until the cycle is over (obvy).

6. Finish your unfinished business
Finish things you started a while ago, from wardrobe clear-outs through to giving TLC to your poor ol’ blog *ahem* to, er, rekindling that fling with an ex. OK maybe, not that one…

planets lollipops

Just so I’m prepared. What are the Mercury retrograde dates for 2015?

21st January – 11th February
18th May – 11th June
17th September – 9th October

STAY SAFE, DREAM WEAVERS!

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