Another week, another X Factor live show. And what a shit show it was.
Guilty pleasures (that old chestnut) was this week’s theme officially, but unofficially, the theme was clearly ‘take a famous song and slow it down loads’.
Then Sunday night’s results show came, and… SHOCK HORROR! Two (two! TWO!) of the chosen three found themselves in the sing-off.
So now, in a badly-written summary, I will break down exactly what happened…
Does nobody vote for the girls anymore?
Yet another battle of the titans (although this time, they were actually talented): Ella vs. James Arthur, and for the UMPTEENTH TIME this series, we heard those immortal words from Dermot: DEAD.LOCK.
Unfortunately, the very lovely ONLY SIXTEEN YEARS OLD Ella polled the least votes, so got the boot right out the door. But not before Tulisa looked like she was about to smash someone’s face in. You can take the girl out of N-Dubz…
So anyway, now there are only men left in the competition. *sad feminist face*
Actually, calling them all men is a bit inaccurate. I’d say there is one man (James Arthur), one shy man-boy (Jahmene), four pretty boys (Union J) and one talking clay head man from Art Attack/Ronseal Wanker (Maloney, obvs). Oh, and one really high-pitched crier whose best friend is Katie Price (no, not Louis! I mean Rylan). What a talented bunch, eh?!
There’s a storm a-coming…
One of the benefits of me writing this post soooo late in the week (sorry Ed!) is that I got to hear the uber exciting* gossip, and let you all in on it. So, here goes. Hold on to your knickers now. It’s pretty big…
APPAZ SOMETHING HUGE IS HAPPENING ON SATURDAY NIGHT. Like a wild twist. *Whispers* I’ve heard it’s going to be *looks around* in-saaaannne.
So – what could this twist be? Here are some of my own theories (note: I definitely DID NOT troll Digital Spy’s X Factor forum to see what other people were guessing. Definitely not).
- Ella’s coming back?
- Spraggan’s coming back?
- The actual voting percentages will be read out LIVE ON AIR?
- Cowell is coming back to fire Barlow LIVE ON AIR?
- Or… TWO people are going home? (ding ding ding, think we have a winner!)
Let’s see shall we? And can I just say now, that if nothing exciting happens now you can’t blame me, because I stole this info from the bastion of Journalism that is Dan Wotton. So there.
Dermot wore MC Hammer pants
How could I forget this beautiful nugget of information?! They were metallic beauties, with added velcro so he could slip them off with one big swoop after performing a lacklustre version of the Can’t Touch This dance.
He slipped them off to reveal a suit by the way; not Thunderbirds underpants or anything (we live in hope… or is that just me?).
Ronseal Wanker’s been getting death threats
First of all, can I just categorically state that they weren’t from me. I promise. As much as I hate the varnish-covered, nan-loving, Liverpudlian fat head, and his ridiculous CHEESINESS (which, by the way, is the opposite of Rylan cheesiness, which Le Blow loves), I would never, ever wish death on someone.
What I do wish on Maloney, however, is that he fall in a puddle of leaked water from his smoke machine, puts out his back, and has to exit the competition in a very embarrassing fashion.
Also, whilst we’re discussing Maloney: I usually cover my eyes/ears and leave the room when he’s performing, such is the rage that builds up inside me.
However, this past weekend I happened to catch the entirety of his performance (again, of one of my favourite 80s classics – Total Eclipse of the Heart).
WHAT THE ACTUAL EFF was going on with those LIGHTS coming out of his EYES on his BIG FAT FUCKING FACE on the display behind him?!
I know it’s a reference to the (again, classic) music video, but c’mon… it’s pretty obvious that everyone on the show really hates him.
Onto the now-expected predictions for this coming weekend’s show (I think I’m averaging about 12% success rate here so far)…
- Firstly, I just want to state now that I really, really think we’re heading for a Rylan vs. Ronseal Wanker final. In which case it will be both the most beautiful, and most disgusting thing I’ve seen in my life. And I’ll be voting more, and drinking more, than I’ve ever done in my life. TEAM RYLAN!
- I’ve heard on the grapevine that this weekend is Abba themed. Huzzah! Rylan will do something a bit shit but amazing, and James Arthur will no doubt slow down one of their peppier hits to an unrecognisable tempo. Also, Jahmene will sing Gimme Gimme Gimme (a Man After Midnight) but will change the lyrics to awkwardly go ‘wo-man’.
- Tulisa will tell us we’re voting for the wrong people yet again, after the two most talented acts fall into the bottom two. And we’ll have to remind her that only a few months ago we all saw her (really awkwardly) sucking off her ex-boyfriend, so we don’t really care what she thinks.
- Over on ITV2, Caroline Flack will wear shorts. She and Olly will make lots of stupid innuendo jokes. Modern.
- Janine off Eastenders or the fat Dr Who guy will win the Jungle. Oh, sorry. Got a bit confused there.
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