How to… plan a Kardashian style wedding

Kim Kardashian – she’s just one of those girls, isn’t she? The one who always has to do things bigger and better. The biggest Birkin, the biggest bank balance, the biggest bum. I bet, until you saw her wedding, you thought your wedding plans, be they dreams or reality, were pretty big, didn’t you? Do/did you dream of riding in on a white horse (or better yet, UNICORN!) in a Disney-princess dress with crystal-embellished Louboutins? I’m dead serious here – my current nuptial planning has alerted me to the fact that all these things are possible (not that you’d catch me dead with any of it, obviously… well, maybe the unicorn). Now I can’t say that Kim dreamt of these exact things, but you can’t deny she dreamt pretty damn big.

Kim Kardashian wedding

So whilst us mere mortals might end up, in reality, in a village hall with Aunty’s jam sponge and the local mobile DJ, Kim not only made the big dream wedding happen, but took it entirely to the next level. But – fear not. Put your jealousy away. If you want the big dream wedding too, you can have it. You just need to carefully follow in her footsteps. Luckily, our handy 11-step guide to creating a Kardashian style wedding will help you do just that…

1. Budget

This requires forward planning, and no, I don’t mean saving. Just make a sex tape! Then you’ll make tons of cash, and become world-famous, and you won’t even have to pay a single penny towards your wedding. In fact, you won’t just get it free – you’ll GET PAID to do it! What are you waiting for? Get the tripod out!

2. The Groom

Kris Humphries

Firstly, make sure he fits with your family’s first-name initial scheme. Secondly, make sure he’s handsome. Finally, make sure he’s stupid.

3. The dress

As Anthony from Sex and the City so succinctly put it; “you want wedding, you go Wang”. Starting at around £8,000 a dress, this isn’t an easy feat for mere mortals. But, if you’ve followed step one accurately, you should get a free dress. OR THREE. Yes, three. Kim K changed her dress THREE times throughout the day. Apparently, only people who are close personal friends of Vera herself get this privilege – so what are you waiting for? Invite her down the pub, sharpish!

4. Mother of the Bride

She needs a dress too. A long white Vera Wang gown. Bespoke, obviously. Yes, it does look like she’s the one getting married, but that’s the point – it makes her feel special and confuses the paparazzi all in one.

mother of the bride

5. The guest list

Invite 450 people. Or more. If you don’t know that many people, just add some fame-hungry celebrities to that list. Suggestions include; Lindsay Lohan and her mum, Scary Spice and one of those Desperate Housewives.

6. The dress code

It’s always a really, really good idea to enforce a strict dress code on your wedding guests. ‘Black tie’ isn’t enough; ‘black and white only’ is where it’s at, then you won’t have to deal with any pesky attention-seekers taking the attention away from your pristine white dress (sorry, my mistake – DRESSES) with their fluro orange jumpsuit. You just know that’s what Lindsay Lohan would have worn, given the choice…

Lindsay Lohan at Kim Kardashian's wedding

7. The wedding party – too much is never enough

Get all your sisters, best mates, second cousins and girls-you-worked-with-once to act as bridesmaids. Give them full-length white gowns, too. Oh and ALWAYS have a cute toddler to act as ringbearer. Hire one if you don’t know one – you can hire anything when you’re this rich! Actually, you’re so famous, someone will probably give you their toddler for free!

8. The aisle

It needs to be long. We’re talking at least a mile. If you’re walking up the aisle for less than 20 minutes, it’s too short.


9. The ceremony

If you’re still conducting the ceremony after 20 minutes, it’s too long. As soon as it’s finished, BLOG ABOUT IT! Kim had a blog post up within minutes! Why not just whip out your ipad on the mile-long journey back down the aisle?


10. The first dance

First of all, you need to call on your celebrity contacts to perform something – the cheesier, the better (me, personally, I’m crossing my fingers I can get Glen Medeiros). Ideally, you want a mash-up of at least three different songs, so your first dance lasts for at least 15 minutes. Have security guards at the edge of the dancefloor too, just incase anyone tries to join in. It’s YOUR day!

11. The cake

Take the biggest wedding cake you’ve ever seen. Multiply it by a thousand. You’re still nowhere near how big your cake should be. Also, keep it TOTALLY in keeping with the color scheme – black and white only! Anything less is just tasteless. Including the actual cake – most of it’s just styrofoam covered in fondant.

If your invite to the Big Day got lost in the post (ours did), then check out the, er , edited highlights in this video…

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  • Comments

  • avatar

    Great advice. It’s very helpful for those who don’t know how to plan a wedding.

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