Ah… the royal wedding of our future king. I’m ashamed to admit I was alive at the last Prince of Wales’ nuptials, patriotically waving a Union Jack. I can not remember as I was not even two but have been told the story so many times I FEEL like I remember like. (disclaimer: I am still 29 *splutter*)
Come 29th April I will be downing Pimms and no doubt dancing the conga at my street party so can I petition for a Bank holiday for the Mosse wedding? We could down vodka martinis and snort stuff, don our skinniest jeans and draw moles on our faces in honour of the creepy Hince. Councils across the country are reporting a certain apathy for people applying for street party licences but for the Mosse we can predict an upsurge in numbers, no?
In honour of the nuptials for both Kate’s I have written a leetle Need To Know Guide below…
Engagement Ring
Moss
A huge diamond inspired by Zelda Fitzgerald, hedonistic, troubled party girl (sound familiar?) and wife of legendary American novelist F Scott Fitzgerald. Kate is a big fan of aforementioned F Scott – she cites her favourite read as “the Great Gatsby” and her infamous 30th birthday party was themed “The Beautiful and the Damned” – both of which he wrote.
Middleton
Only a subtle, understated sapphire and diamond that used to belong to Kate’s late mother in law to be. Who happened to be our own Lady Di..Princess of Wales….England’s Rose….who met a sorry end in a french tunnel. Wow Wills, not like the ring is CURSED or anything?
Groom
Moss
Jamie Hince – co creator and guitarist in uber cool band The Kills. Creepy looking with close set eyes and one too many moles. Don’t do it Kate! You were with the hottest man in the world, dammit! (I’m not talking about Pete Doherty BTW)
Middleton
Our future king Prince William. Used to be slightly Hot now definitely Not. Looks like a young Prince Edward. Gawd save the King! Or sumfink.
Best Man
Moss
Reputed to be Alison Mosshart – Jamie’s band mate in The Kills…
Middleton
This is where the Royal wedding gets good…best man is only our very own Nazi impersonator ginger cheeky chappy…yes its Prince Harry! Oh to be a fly on the wall at the speeches….
Bridesmaid
Moss
Chief bridesmaid is Kate’s 8 year old daughter Lila Grace. Hmm… so the hen night will mostly centre around Barbies and colouring-in books, then.
Middleton
Kate’s sister Pippa Middleton, AKA ‘the Hot Sister’. Hmm, Kate does look like a bit of a Nancy-no-mates… Her other bridesmaids are Prince Edward’s daughter and a couple of other Royal munchkins.
Dress
Moss
John Galliano is said to be the designer… however there has been specualtion that Kate will ditch him following his anti semitic meltdown and subsequent sacking from Dior. We at Le Blow think MsMoss wont let a bit of controversey sway her decision.
Middleton
Gawd only knows… could it be Issa/Sarah Burton? There’s even talk of geriatric Bruce Oldfield.
For Kate’s sake we hope it’s Burton… as former designer at Alexander McQueen it won’t be a safe, dull choice (unlike the others…)
Venue
Moss
Unconfirmed but thought to be either at Kate’s Cotswold country pad or a Thai beach.
Middleton
A quiet affair at Westminster Abbey, followed by reception at Buck House.
Guests
Moss
Sure to include the stalwart members of the Mosse Possy… Sadie Frost et al, model pals Naomi Campbell, Rosemary Ferguson, Sir Phil and Chloe, rock legends Bobby Gillespie, Mick Jagger, fashion stylists Katy Grand & England….the list is endless(ly cool)….
Middleton
Endless Royals..Heads of State, Presidents, The Beckams, Tara Palmer Wotsit and her collapsed nose… the list is endless(ly bizarre?)
NOT Invited
Moss
Pete Doherty… wonder why?
Middleton
Fergie, Mohammed Al Fayed
Couldn’t we merge the Moss/Middleton weddings? Like, get rid of Hince and Middleton and make La Moss our next Queen? Then we could have the style of the Moss wedding with Harry as Best Man. Got to have Harry as Best Man.
Imagine the style! The pomp! Kate dressed everyday in the kind of outfits she met the Queen that time (royal blue suit and white fur, sooo Princess Margaret circa 1955…)
So come on Miss Moss – ditch the creep and become our (style) Queen. Long may she reign!
– Victoria Laws
Comments
Lana A
Hince might look a bit creepy on the outside, but he’s crazy talented. VV as the best ‘man’?! That’s exciting. Waaay more exciting than Kate M-tn