I know it as soon as I hear people doing high pitched cooey baby voices: someone’s bought their new baby in. I like babies. They are way up there with unicorns and rainbows. Actually that’s a lie, I only like babies that are fat, Chinese, or belonging to someone close to me. I like to ask questions like:
Did that hurt?
Are you getting a bit bored of it now?
Do you think you’ll ever be able to button up your jeans again?
These are not questions you can ask some random from Payroll. I will reluctantly drag myself away from work and go over and have a go but I think there should be a code of conduct:
1. Put it in pink or blue
Don’t make us insult you, question it’s sexuality or call it ‘It’. People call their babies weird names that are not gender specific so introducing it just doesn’t cut it.
2. It’s not pass-the-parcel
We know how much you love saying ‘mind the head’ but unless we ask to have a go don’t just pass it around. We will only let its head flop and spend the rest of our lives wondering if it’s our fault that it’s cross eyed.
3. Don’t overstay your welcome
We all have work to do. We’ve all seen a baby before. If you really need to go out and show it off take it to the local girls school . When I was at school this lady bought one in and it shat on the table, we loved it.
4. Bring cakes
Not just because we like cakes and you are at home all day, but when someone says, ‘oh, remember the time what’s her name bought in her baby?’ we will be able to remember it by what cakes accompanied it.
5. Don’t go on about how much it weighs
They always send out an email saying “she gave birth yesterday to a healthy 9lb baby”. Those are just numbers to me and it makes me think about how much I weigh in babies. I weigh a lot of babies.
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