Jacquard cardigan: Old ASOS
Faux fur gilet: Second-hand
Faux snakeskin skinnies: Zara
Boots: TK Maxx
Despite the seasons changing being a pretty solid, regular event, every year without fail, the winter months kicking in never ever fails to take me by surprise. Like WTAF? And I usually spend the first few weeks adjusting to this seemingly unexpected turn of events, as well as moaning about these things to anyone who’ll listen:
1. Your hair has got the characteristic tangled ‘undercarriage’ of scarf-wearing that no amount of intense Tangle Teezing can sort out. Sake.
2. You’ve taken to wearing a vest for warmth #SEXUAL and are comfortable with the fact you’ll never get laid again (or at least for the rest of winter).
3. Ditto the fact that you wear pyjamas (well, baggy trackie bottoms, an old T-shirt and woolly mismatched socks) to bed because I’M SOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOLD.
4. The above deal is sealed by the fact your poor feet won’t get a proper pedi now until May 2016.
5. But you don’t care because you’re snuggling up to your new boo the furry hot water bottle errr’y damn night. That’s right.
6. All the beautiful Autumnal leaves are starting to fall off. What the eff will you Instagram now FFS?
7. Your lips appear to be shedding their skin and you need to apply a fat smear of Vaseline every 5 minutes. Hopefully they’ll regenerate, Kendall Jenner style.
8. Speaking of lips, you’ve got your seasonal goth on (NOT just for Halloween) and have seamlessly moved from MAC’s Lady Danger to Rebel.
9. Soon you’ll encounter the #FirstWorldProblem of wearing gloves but not being able to type on your iPhone *sigh*
10. You’re starting to wear layers. ALL the layers. And are too aware that your window for gilet and sleeveless coat-wearing opportunities is slowly starting to close and soon you’ll be more bag lady than stylish gal about town. Nooooo!
11. All your good work of exercising and eating only avocados and salads and slurping fruit-filled smoothies over the summer will rapidly come undone thanks to feeling like you just want to lie on the sofa and hibernate and eat all the Mac & Cheese.
12. Having to ruin your sexy little evening look thanks to the MAHOOSIVE parka-slash-sleeping-bag you need to wear over the top because it’s like minus seventy billion degrees outside.
13. In fact, fuck it, you’ve resigned the fact that you won’t be going out anymore at the weekends and Strictly Come Dancing and/or X Factor and/or Netflix is your life now.
14. Goodbye cool suede boots with wooden Cuban heel, it was nice knowing you UNTIL THE RAIN RUINED YOU AND I’M SO SAD.
14. You wake up, it’s dark. You go to work, it’s dark. You come home, it’s dark. EFF YOU, DARK!
16. You’ve developed quite the penchant for cinnamon and spice ERRRRR’Y THANG.
17. Frost has started to appear on your car of a morning. What am I, some kind of Urban Eskimo?!
18. You’re not waxing your legs and bits no more cos gurl needs all the extra insulation she can get.
19. And you daren’t wash your hair before you go to work in the morning in case you catch pneumonia.
20. It’s much easier to get dressed every day though because your colour palette only consists of black now.
21. Travelling on public transport has become joyous because not only is it a million times busier ‘cos NO ONE wants to walk in the cold/rain/sleet/snow/dark/all of the above but due to the afore mentioned weather conditions, your carriage of choice will be mega sweaty because the heating’s cranked up/have dripping wet windows with the condensation from the mass of heaving hot bodies packed in/smell like damp dog and meat pies/all of the above. Ugh.
22. Starbucks limited ed Autumnal cups have been and gone and Red Cups are a-mother-fucking-coming, guyz!