An open letter to Cheryl Cole // AKA what Cheryl should do next

Dear Cheryl,

Poor you. We’ve never been a fan, but your untimely dumping from the US X Factor is pretty humiliating, particularly after such a huge fuss was made about the fact that you’re ‘finally making it in the US’. It’s a bit like being ceremoniously dumped after telling all and sundry how in love you are. Except for in your case, the entire world knows. Gutted much?

Now, we know that it’s a particularly hard time for you, and you probably just need a friend. So let Le Blow offer you some friendly advice. Everyone might be wondering if you’ll go back to the UK version of X Factor (we say no, Cheryl; you’re better than that bird out of N Dubz), but Le Blow has a few ideas as to what you should do next… And happily, none of them involve Ashley Cole.

Spread some super injunction rumours about Simon Cowell

Revenge is a dish best served cold, and since old Cowell didn’t lend you a ‘Parachute’ for your swift X Factor USA exit (see what we did there? Hee hee) you should most certainly do something to slurry his name. What better way than to cash in on the celebrity trend of the moment, the super injunction?

Get your publicist to give The News of the World an anonymous call that a well-known, high-waisted trouser wearing music mogul turned TV show talent judge has taken out a super injunction for some sordid reason. The juicier, the better. Then start a Twitter campaign to get him sacked on moral high ground. Oh, doesn’t revenge feel good?

Join forces with Dannii Minogue and start a rival TV show

You could call it ‘Fame Factor’ or  ‘X Talent’ or some other blatant rip-off title. As long as you two showed up every week in very little clothing, had a little scrap over some 16-year old chav from Norwich and cried when your act was up for the chop, telling the audience that they hadn’t seen the best of so-and-so yet, it would be a sure-fire ratings winner. In your face, Cowell, your show is nothing more than formulaic drivel that anyone could imitate!

Land a high-profile bridesmaid gig

We hate to tell you this, Chezza, but you’re no longer the nation’s sweetheart; you’ve been replaced by one Pippa Middleton. But never fear, you can regain your crown! Just nab a role as Maid of Honour at a high-profile, preferably televised wedding, do your job perfectly and make sure your bum looks hot. Congratulations! Now you’re the nation’s number one again. (Just don’t muck it up by slapping a toilet attendant again. P-Middy would never do that).

Start a campaign to make ‘Fight for this Love’ Christmas Number 1

Show us your fighting spirit, Cheryl, the fighting spirit you so beautifully sung about on your number 1 hit ‘Fight for this Love’ (with lines as diverse as ‘we gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love’), by taking your own advice and starting a Facebook campaign to get said song to the coveted Christmas number one spot, just like the Rage against the Machine campaign a couple of years ago. We’re behind you all the way! (As long as we don’t actually have to buy the song.)

Trademark that hairdo and release your own line of hair products

Chezza love, we know that the L’Oreal contract has been good to you, but now it’s time to step out on your own. We all saw that hairdo at the first X Factor USA auditions (if you didn’t a) where have you been? and b) you can see it here), and it really was quite the showstopper. Ahem. So why not trademark it as the Cheryl Coiffure, and launch a brand of super-SUPER strength hair styling products to go with it? Because you’re worth it, pet.

So, Cheryl. We at Le Blow hope we’ve given you some good ideas to get you back on your feet and start piecing your career back together. Remember, it’s not the end of the world; you’ve been through a lot worse, and you came out of that ok. We know how strong you are, pet. Keep fighting (for the love, natch).

All the best,

Le Blow x

Fiona Goby

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