If any of these sound familiar, then you can join the grown-up club, too. These are the signs that point towards the fact I’m slowly becoming an adult…
1. I buy cushions. And tea towels. And get quite excited about them. I wash my tea towels. But I do not iron them. It can only be a matter of time, though. Although, I don’t actually iron anything right now tbh, so I’m still a rock ‘n’ roller at heart. Next purchase: silk pillow cases, OH YEAH.
2. I chase my drinks with pints of water, not shots of tequila. WHO EVEN AM I? And, if I’ve had a few drinks of an evening (which happens, like, never, these days), I won’t go to bed until I’ve slurped a pint of water and all the carbs to try avoid The Hangover of Doom the next day.
3. I get Hangovers of Doom the next day. Despite the tactic outlined in the previous point, I find that I just canNOT mix my drinks like a badass anymore. And I’m now familiar with the delightful thing that is the Two Day Hangover. Boo, hiss.
4. My back hurts a lot more. I even managed to pinch a nerve while leaning forward CLEAN MY TEETH the other day. What next? A slipped disc while putting on my socks?!
5. Related: I’ve also started saying ‘oooooofff’ when I sit down. And when I reach the top of a flight of stairs. It can only be a matter of time before I get a Stannah chair lift.
6. I buy expensive red wine. Not just by mistake. Gone are the days where I’d get whichever bottle of plonk was on special offer/under a fiver at Tesco. Now I deliberately avoid those guys, like some kind of fucking wine connoisseur! (Still panic and default to Rioja in restaurants, though.)
7. I’m prepared to invest in things like hoovers [yes; am aware this a trademarked brand name but I’m not American and refuse to say ‘vacuum cleaner’]. Hell, I even shopped around to find the best deal. For a hoover. In my defence, the one I bought was called Henrietta and is pink with a smiley face and I took a selfie with her (see main pic), so there’s that.
8. However, I dream of the day I own a Dyson with it’s silky smooth rollerball #hooverporn
9. I AM A PROPERTY OWNER AND I HAVE A MORTGAGE AND I PAY COUNCIL TAX. This will never not freak me out.
10. A mum told her little kid to ‘move out of the lady’s way’ in the shop the other day. I looked around, but nope. They were talking about me. THAT ‘LADY’ WAS ME. Wtf?!
11. I visit the garden centre even when it’s not Christmas. And buy plants. Admittedly mostly cacti and succulents that I keep having to stock up on because I have quite the talent for killing them off, but still.
12. I’ll buy multiples of ‘staple’ items of clothing that I like. That’s you, high-waisted ASOS jeans of dreams, and you, reasonably-priced Birkenstocks from TK Maxx. Hiyas.
13. I’ve done jury service. Admittedly, I was about 21 when I did mine, and ended up getting on the same bus home as the defendant (#awks), but there’s something about having the law placed in your hands (dramatic, moi?) to make you feel all powerful and grown up.
14. My summer schedule is full of weddings and christenings, not non-stop festivals and holidays. Same people, different shit. And there’ll still be booze involved, so…
15. I had to Google ‘on fleek’ and still don’t really get how to casually add that it into a conversation. Nor how one throws some ‘shade’.
16. My close friendship group has shrunk from approx 3884984920841290348 people to around 4, but that is probably a good thing (according to the inane dross in my Facebook feed, anyway).
17. I don’t insist on cramming my feet into too-tight, plastic-y, pointy cheap-o shoes anymore. I can’t see myself in Crocs any time soon (read: EVER!) but I did catch myself eyeing up a chunky mid-heel t’other day so just start calling me Camilla Parker-Bowles and be done with it.
18. I wash up glasses before plates, always. And get very cross with those who don’t. I mean, COME ON GUYZ.
19. I can buy tampons without getting mega embarrassed at the till anymore. And I will DEMAND that they double bag that shit so the whole high street doesn’t have to witness the fitness of my snazzy new purchase.
20. I remove my makeup every evening without fail. Even if I cheat and use makeup wipes cos gurrrrl (or should that be ‘lady’?) can’t be arsed to hot cleanse with a muslin cloth errr damn day, right?
21. I don’t wear thongs anymore. Fuck that shit! Never liked the feeling of my arse being slowly sawn in half, anyway.
22. I employ staff! Well, a cleaner. Every other week. For my one bedroom flat. And I feel the need to clean before she comes round, but whatever. I’m a pretty big high-flying’ dealio these days, pal.
23. Dressing up to go out of an evening doesn’t involve wearing the shortest skirt, tightest top and highest heels anymore. At least, not all at the same time, anyway…
24. Instead of going for the cheapest flights available (flying from where-the-fuck at ungodly o’clock), I’ve been known to splash out on premium economy these days. Can you say real cutlery? And free-flowing champagne? And VIP lounge? Oh yes. Worth every penny.
25. I can do the food shop and buy useful, nutritious ingredients, as opposed to just a half bottle of wine, a half price DVD and a Pot Noodle. WINNING AT LIFE.
26. My name’s Natalie and… I… and I… *hangs head in shame* I listen to Radio 2. And Magic! And I get cross at the ‘new-fangled’ version of Kisstory, which only seems to play tinny RnB shite from the noughties these days, FFS.
27. And I no longer know/care what song’s number one. Or even in the Top 40, for that matter.
28. I have a signature scent. Even if that scent is purchased for cheap in Duty Free *flicks hair*
29. I have told off a group of school kids on the bus. I have become the crazy old bat you’d use to take the piss out of on the bus.
30. I buy toilet roll in bulk. BEFORE I run out and we enter an emergency sitch.
31. These days, IKEA is the equivalent of Disneyland to me.
32. My post now comprises of bills, bills, BILLS and not sticker-covered letters from pen pals.
33. Things like duvet togs are IMPORTANT.
34. Expensive candles make me happy.
35. Sometimes, when asked, I genuinely forget my age. Because I am SO! OLD!
36. When people talk about ‘ten years ago’ in my head I think that’s 1990…
37. I am starting to give fewer fucks about what people think of me. Gone are the days when I would be mortified to have an alternative opinion or to dare to be different.
38. I STILL have no idea what I’m doing. But now I know no one else does, either. And it’s all going to be OKAY.