Haven’t we all looked up to the clean-living, athletic lifestyles of the TOWIE girls? You know, admired their perfectly sculpted six packs and vigorous training routines? No? Oh right, that’s cos we’re far too busy wondering where on earth one can still purchase Rimmel’s ‘Heather Shimmer’ lipstick these days or playing the ‘what could we hang from Amy Childs’ nipples?’ game: a coat? A hat? A family of racoons?
So imagine the horror delight here at LB HQ when Lydia Bright tweeted the first image from the forthcoming TOWIE fitness video hilariously called The Essexercise Workout:
Oof. I can only imagine the girls will be teaching us hardcore routines such as:
- The advanced Pig Trot in Loubies
- Jacuzzi boob-bobbing
- Footballer boffing
- The inspect-your-Vajazzle forward lunge
- And my personal fave: the speed-dial-your-surgeon
The outfits our firm-bodied friends will be donning for this rigorous display of athletics are reminiscent of Cher’s Body Confidence work out circa ’92 – all skimpy shorts, lashings of Lycra and coiffed hairdo’s that Elaine Paige and Melanie Griffith would be proud of.
Unfortunately (fortunately?), this is NOT Hollywood CA, this is Hollywoods, Southend; this is not LAS VEGAS, it’s BAZ VEGAS. And I, for one, cannot wait to get the Lambrini and Doritos in and watch for the seamless editing while a crack team of sweat de-beaders, lipliner re-applicators, de- smudgers and hair twangers keep these girls looking like show chiwawas – while they squat and thrust their way through a Ministry of Sound megamix. Shot of tequila every time anyone says ‘SHAAAAAT AAAAPPP’?
This could be the best workout video I ever watch…
The Only Way is Essex – The Essexercise Workout, out October 31st, £19.99
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