I’m sure you saw the headlines – Scarlett Johannsson in the nude! And now apparently there’s some photos floating around of Mila Kunis naked in the bathtub, and OOOOH, Justin Timberlake is there, too! Blake Lively got her tits out a few months ago! Look – it’s Vanessa Hudgen’s minge!
Now, your reaction, whatever your sexuality, to all these nude photo scandals (and more) was probably – QUICK, EVERYONE – GOOGLE THE SHIT OUT OF IT!
But – oh. I’ve seen them now. Is that it? Scarlett looks a bit glum, doesn’t she? Why is Blake posing in a dodgy motel? I can’t even find those Mila photos – are we sure this isn’t just a weird social media campaign for her new film, Friends With Benefits?
Yep. That was my reaction to all those Hollywood babes, ‘allegedly’ getting their bits out on their camera phones to send to ‘Mr X’ Hollywood hunk, with theories as to who Mr X was varying from the obvious (‘Blake was taking those pics to entice Leo!’) to the ridiculous (‘Blake’s ex-boyfriend Penn Badgeley released those photos to the press because he was pissed she was getting more screen time on Gossip Girl!’). I mean, if you’ve seen these nudie pics, in reality, they’re a bit tame aren’t they? Not exactly setting the world alight with sexual desire – or perhaps I just expected something, a bit more… fruity?
Now, I don’t regularly make a habit of taking nekkid pics of myself, but if I did, there would be a lot of things I would do differently. ESPECIALLY if I were a Hollywood super-babe with tons of cash, no love-handles and shiny hair.
Firstly, I would make sure said hair was looking bloody immaculate. Why does Blake have what looks like wet hair in some of her naked photos? Does she think it makes her look like a mermaid? Don’t even get me started on ScarJo’s lacklustre ponytail – it’s not the gym, woman, it’s SEX. Put some effort in, please. I’d also be thinking about the actual composition of the picture, using used some sort of arty back-drop, like a nice feature wall. Maybe even finish the photo off in black and white, or a nice sepia – very forgiving. Honestly, I expected more from these gals.
Secondly, if I were a megastar, I’d be sending over a copy of my latest GQ spread to the object of my desire, rather than a grainy picture. In GQ I’d be all nicely coiffed and air-brushed and prick-teasy. Much sexier, than, say, Vanessa Hugden’s standing with her hairy foof on display. Or do I just think that because I’m a heterosexual girl? Is that all men want – a girl, standing in the middle of a room, vacant, dead-inside stare, lady-garden hanging out? If that’s the case, I need to reassess my game, as obviously I’ve been wasting a lot of time and effort in waxing, buying nice knickers and, y’know, actually wanting to be INVOLVED in my sexual activities, mentally.
Thirdly, are we even sure these images are real? I mean, considering all the above, how majorly unsexy FUCKING SCARLETT JOHANSSON, the poster girl of wank fantasies, can be with a towel draped around her, makes me nearly speechless. She is like, queen of sex! I’ve seen her pretend to shag in films and it’s bloody hot! My other half often requests to watch ‘He’s Just Not That Into You‘, torturously sitting through the first 70 minutes or so, just so he can perv over Scarlett getting her magnificent bosoms felt up over a desk by Bradley Cooper. Yet all she can muster is a half-assed, lying down in bed taking a picture of my boobs sideways with a hint of a pout generic common boring shot? GOT to be fake. GOT TO BE. Because, let’s be honest, if these girls, some of the most beautiful in the world, look that underwhelming in their ‘alleged’ nudie pics, what hope have the rest of us normal girls got? If they look like that, surely we must look much, much worse?! If that’s truly the case, let’s all hope, and pray, that this is all just the work of some sex-starved photoshop geek who couldn’t be arsed to use his imagination during private time anymore. Or… we could just learn from this – because there is a big lesson to be learnt.
If you’re famous, don’t take nude pictures on your phone. EVER.