Naked Hollywood superstars = surprisingly underwhelming

September 15, 2011


I’m sure you saw the headlines – Scarlett Johannsson in the nude! And now apparently there’s some photos floating around of Mila Kunis naked in the bathtub, and OOOOH, Justin Timberlake is there, too! Blake Lively got her tits out a few months ago! Look – it’s Vanessa Hudgen’s minge!

Now, your reaction, whatever your sexuality, to all these nude photo scandals (and more) was probably – QUICK, EVERYONE – GOOGLE THE SHIT OUT OF IT!

But – oh. I’ve seen them now. Is that it? Scarlett looks a bit glum, doesn’t she? Why is Blake posing in a dodgy motel? I can’t even find those Mila photos – are we sure this isn’t just a weird social media campaign for her new film, Friends With Benefits?

Yep. That was my reaction to all those Hollywood babes, ‘allegedly’ getting their bits out on their camera phones to send to ‘Mr X’ Hollywood hunk, with theories as to who Mr X was varying from the obvious (‘Blake was taking those pics to entice Leo!’) to the ridiculous (‘Blake’s ex-boyfriend Penn Badgeley released those photos to the press because he was pissed she was getting more screen time on Gossip Girl!’). I mean, if you’ve seen these nudie pics, in reality, they’re a bit tame aren’t they? Not exactly setting the world alight with sexual desire – or perhaps I just expected something, a bit more… fruity?

Now, I don’t regularly make a habit of taking nekkid pics of myself, but if I did, there would be a lot of things I would do differently. ESPECIALLY if I were a Hollywood super-babe with tons of cash, no love-handles and shiny hair.

Firstly, I would make sure said hair was looking bloody immaculate. Why does Blake have what looks like wet hair in some of her naked photos? Does she think it makes her look like a mermaid? Don’t even get me started on ScarJo’s lacklustre ponytail – it’s not the gym, woman, it’s SEX. Put some effort in, please. I’d also be thinking about the actual composition of the picture, using used some sort of arty back-drop, like a nice feature wall. Maybe even finish the photo off in black and white, or a nice sepia – very forgiving. Honestly, I expected more from these gals.

Secondly, if I were a megastar, I’d be sending over a copy of my latest GQ spread to the object of my desire, rather than a grainy picture. In GQ I’d be all nicely coiffed and air-brushed and prick-teasy. Much sexier, than, say, Vanessa Hugden’s standing with her hairy foof on display. Or do I just think that because I’m a heterosexual girl? Is that all men want – a girl, standing in the middle of a room, vacant, dead-inside stare, lady-garden hanging out? If that’s the case, I need to reassess my game, as obviously I’ve been wasting a lot of time and effort in waxing, buying nice knickers and, y’know, actually wanting to be INVOLVED in my sexual activities, mentally.

Thirdly, are we even sure these images are real? I mean, considering all the above, how majorly unsexy FUCKING SCARLETT JOHANSSON, the poster girl of wank fantasies, can be with a towel draped around her, makes me nearly speechless. She is like, queen of sex! I’ve seen her pretend to shag in films and it’s bloody hot! My other half often requests to watch ‘He’s Just Not That Into You‘, torturously sitting through the first 70 minutes or so, just so he can perv over Scarlett getting her magnificent bosoms felt up over a desk by Bradley Cooper. Yet all she can muster is a half-assed, lying down in bed taking a picture of my boobs sideways with a hint of a pout generic common boring shot? GOT to be fake. GOT TO BE. Because, let’s be honest, if these girls, some of the most beautiful in the world, look that underwhelming in their ‘alleged’ nudie pics, what hope have the rest of us normal girls got? If they look like that, surely we must look much, much worse?! If that’s truly the case, let’s all hope, and pray, that this is all just the work of some sex-starved photoshop geek who couldn’t be arsed to use his imagination during private time anymore. Or… we could just learn from this – because there is a big lesson to be learnt.

If you’re famous, don’t take nude pictures on your phone. EVER.

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  • Reply A man September 16, 2011 at 6:13 pm


    I seriously worry about women when I read or hear stuff like this. First of all : I agree the celebrity homemade pictures are totally unsexy, but that is of course to be expected. If you are familiar with glamour photography and “reader’s wives” sections in dirty magazines you can quite easily conclude that amateur pictures just lack that layer of artificiality that is necessary to make a photo exciting.

    Of course this doesn’t mean the women portrayed in the photos are not beautiful women, it just means they are not professional photographers. And are you really surprised that an actress can look absolutely stunning when appearing naked in a multimillion dollar hollywood production, but can’t manage that look with less than 500 dollars worth of userfriendly cameraphone? Come on.

    I don’t mean to slag of women, but as soon as you start slagging of each other’s appearance (lesbians not counted) the only thing you do is show off your own insecurity and lack of good judgement. Let men and lesbian women decide if a woman is sexy and spend your time judging Depp, Pitt, McDreamy or McSteamy, because you have no idea what makes a woman sexy and seem to want to make moral judgements on their appearance to compensate for the fact that your opinion is of as much consequense to their actual perceived beauty in the eye of a man, as say a car-enthusiast’s opinion on lace and knitwear is to the society of old ladies in Wolverhampton.

    My point is : I haven’t heard a lot of men worrying after a bad picture of Brad Pitt appeared in the press (and there have been some pretty silly ones of him), that surely they must look much much worse. Consequently, what we do when we see a bad picture of a superbabe is acknowledge that the film industry bullshits us into believing these people look like superbabes and enjoy the movies all the same for it. I feel genuinely sorry for you if these grainy cellphone pictures shattered your belief in the beauty-gods and goddesses. I guess all I can say is, welcome to the real world, sister.

  • Reply Amy September 17, 2011 at 11:47 am

    ‘let men and lesbians judge what makes women sexy’. Do I even need to comment how awfully voyeristic, narrow minded, and downright insane that is??
    You have also missed the point here. In no way are we saying she isn’t sexy (erm hi, sexy is 100% subjective anyway) but that we doubt the authenticity of this pics because of the lack of, erm, imagination from a one of the worlds most photographed women who, let’s face it- is well aware of which is her perkiest side. I recon that man/ woman/ dog/cat/ goldfish would agree that scarjo is sexy with or without the dim lighting, soggy towel and quite frankly confused expression (much like mine on reading this response. Minus the soggy towel).

  • Reply Natalie September 17, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Yup, I think the point Fi was making was more about WHY these naked sleb pics cause such a fuss? As they can never BE anything more than grainy, BAD shots, at best?

    And we’re not casting an opinion on whether or not we think she’s sexy, but rather, why did Scarlett CHOOSE to ciculate these pics – of all the images in the world (and knowing that they’d probably get leaked), why select these ones? As my school teachers used to say: ‘could do better’. The pic may be ammateur, but she still had the opportunity to self edit and select which ones best showed off her bits, right?

  • Reply Fi September 17, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    Dearest ‘man’,

    I think you’ve totally missed the point. Firstly, I never slagged off Scarlett’s obvious beauty – I absolutely adore the woman and think she’s impossibly sexy. EXCEPT IN THESE PICTURES.

    I think, as a feminist woman, I have every right to judge what I think is and isn’t sexy in women, because 1) I AM ONE and 2) I am disgusted by the male-dominated porn industry which you refer to: Readers Wives and the like, all about putting women on display for, literally, their anatomy, and not their beauty. These photos of Scarlett are of the same ilk – this style of voyeuristic, ugly nudes has trickled down into women’s minds, because they see men being turned on by ugly, low-budget, tacky porn where women look miserable, and believe that’s what they should be doing, too. Please refer to Caitlin Moran’s excellent book, ‘How To Be A Woman’, and her thoughts on pornography, for more information on how, basically, NONE OF THIS IS SEXY TO WOMEN.

    If you think about it, these pictures are actually pretty degrading. But I’d never blame Scarlett for that – instead, if given the chance, I’d lightheartedly poke fun at her for how low-budget this little photoshoot is, and I imagine, she’d probably agree. HENCE THE ARTICLE.

  • Reply Guyliner September 17, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    As a gay, I don’t really care what her tits look like or anything like that. It does, surprise me, however, that even in pics she thinks nobody else is going to see she can’t crack a smile or show a little bit of enthusiasm. She’s pulling the same old “I just kissed the shitty end of a plumber’s plunger” expression she trots out in almost every movie poster, perfume ad and dead-eyed magazine cover she features in.

    The main reason they’re not sexy is because she has all the enthusiasm and vivaciousness of a corpse.

    • Reply Natalie September 17, 2011 at 12:55 pm

      But wait! You don’t fancy girls so you’re not allowed to have an opinion on the matter…

    • Reply Fi September 17, 2011 at 1:01 pm

      Haaaaa! Yes, the expression bothers me too. It’s like she’s admitting how bored she is – how can anyone find that sexy? FUCKING A CORPSE, ANYONE?!

      • Reply Guyliner September 17, 2011 at 1:09 pm

        I actually *get* the idea of not looking all made-up and super glamorous. If her beau really wanted to knock one out over a pic of her in full movie-star mode, he could pause one of the sex scenes in her movies. I suppose the idea with these pictures is to look as natural and candid as possible, hence Vanessa’s snatch giving a nod to the ’70s and the Gossip Girl drone having wet hair. When someone looks so perfect all the time, I guess it’s sexier to see them in a less polished state.

        This, unfortunately, leads me to the conclusion that Scarlett’s natural demeanour is miserable and bored shitless. Imagine her sex face. Oh, maybe that’s actually it.

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