It’s the Eurovision song contest 2012 tonight. The UK won’t win.
For one, Engelbert Humperdinck might die before he makes it on stage. I reckon that’s why they’ve put him on first, just in case. Then he can put his slippers on and have a snooze backstage, after they’ve changed his piss-bag.
But even if the ol’ crooner puts in an epic performance with Love Will Set You Free, it won’t matter – the voting’s totally fixed cos all the Eastern Blockers vote for each other anyway.
In fact, the last time the UK won the Eurovision song contest was back in 1997 with Katrina and the Waves harping on about a love light. They were the days when we always used to make the final top ten, stat. That’s when we used to have entries like these…
1990 // Emma – Give a Little Love Back to the World
Aww bless. Little Emma hailed from Wales and was only 15 when she repped the UK with this power ballad.
There’s so much to talk about in this video, I’m nearly herniating: the bad 90s hair! The bad choreographed swaying! The huge hooped earrings! The strange lycra dresses (in patriotic tones, natch)! The random black guy in stone-wash denim!
Also: is that Heather Shimmer lipstick I spy? I think so.
Euro position: 6th with 87 points
1991 // Samantha Janus – A Message to Your Heart
This is basically what drove Ronnie from Eastenders to steal babies. And can you blame her?
Euro position: 10th with 47 points
1992 // Michael Ball – One Step Out of Time
Before Michael Ball got fat. And camp. I love the cheap 90s suit; the run down the stairs at the start; the dad dancing; the orgasm face; the slanted crooner eyebrows and most of all, the random hip thrusts. Michael, you were robbed!
Euro position: 2nd with 139 points
1993 // Sonia – Better the Devil You Know
Chubby-cheeked scouser Sonia sang her little ginger heart out for us in 1993. This is basically the song that inspired this entire post, gawd bless ‘er. Extra points for her nifty jumpsuit ‘n’ bolero combo, plus that shite shoop-shoop dance routine.
Euro position: 2nd with 164 points
1994 // Frances Ruffelle – Lonely Symphony (We Will Be Free)
Didn’t remember this one at all, but listening to it now, it’s actually a birrova tune, eh? It’s a bit Shakespears Sistery / Alish Atticy. I’m digging the boho get-up, too. Fancy that.
Euro position: 10th with 63 points
1995 // Love City Groove – Love City Groove
In the mornin’ when the sun shines down on your body
I know we’re really makin’ love now
‘Nuff said, really. This is SO fuckin’ 90s, though. the baggy checked pants! The crappy rap! That strange trumpet voice! The overuse of the word ‘baby’! the jaunty backwards flat cap! the keyboard! her heeled Palladium boots! That 90s drum beat! Excellent value. Ooh, one more snippet – enjoy:
Now I been to many places and I seen many things
But nothin’ that I know can ever make my heart sing like you do
It’s like a voodoo, you know what I’m sayin’?
Baby girl, I ain’t playin’
I’m glad that I’m one to rock your world
‘Cause honey? Yeeeaaaaaa…
Euro position: 10th with 76 points
1996 // Gina G – Ooh Aah… Just a Little Bit
Gina G rocked shimmery sequin mini dresses before Kylie ever did. This is Eurovision trashy Euro pop at it’s finest. ironically, this song was actually a massive hit in all the bastard countries that didn’t even vote for it! Go figure. Also ‘LOL’ at the chunky computer monitors on stage, to make the set look ‘modern’ and ‘futuristic’.
Euro position: 8th with 77 points
1997 // Katrina and the Waves – Love Shine a Light
Check out the helmet hair and angry collar sported by our Katrina. Still, I shouldn’t mock, as not only was this the first time the UK won Eurovision in 16 years, it was also the last time we did win, some 15 years ago now! Shame she wasn’t even bloody British, eh?
Euro position: 1ST WITH AN EPIC 227 POINTS! Shit on THAT, Slovakia!
1998 // Imaani – Where Are You?
This was the year the UK hosted Eurovision, thanks to Katrina and her Waves’ epic win. sadly, i must have been out clubbing or getting shit-faced as I have no recollection of this entry whatsoever. S’bit like a dancey Des’ree, no? It came second, but don’t the hosting countries usually do quite well as a little, ‘thank you for having us’ type thing?
Euro position: 2nd with 166 points
1999 // Precious – Say It Again
Oh look! It’s Jenny Frost from Atomic Kitten! Which probably explains a lot as sadly, none of these girls could sing, which is always a bit tricky in a live singing contest, ain’t it?
Euro position: 12th with 38 points
So good luck to you tomight, Engelbert – the Le Blow gals are rooting for you. And don’t worry, you can surely do no worse than Andy Abraham back in 2008 or Josh Dubovie in 2012 who both came LAST *sigh* But don’t get the HUMP (arf) if you don’t win; the odds are stacked highly against you cos it’s all a bloody big fat FIX. Hmph.
Watch the Eurovision Song Contest 2012 tonight from 8pm on BBC1