Wills and Kate

Blow Out (and about) // Apparently there’s a royal wedding this week?

We made it through the first four day bender sponsored by Jesus. If you have a proper grown up job, you’ve only got three days to sit in the office planning your outfit and re-hydrating before the next one. Apparently some dudes are getting hitched on Friday…

William and Kate are getting marriedI only like weddings where I’m a bridesmaid and everyone knows me but I’m predicting this is going to be one of those things that people talk about for a while. If I get asked to do one of those Top Twenty ‘things that people pretend to care about’ shows in the future I should probably watch it so I don’t have to make up pure lies. I’m actually quite excited about it and think that the haters should be made to go to work.

They’re erecting massive TVs for live screenings in Hyde Park and Trafalgar Square. The park opens at 7am and it’s first come, first serve. It is going to be Rammed. Knowing my friends, we’re probably all going to be hungover and lazy and not drag our rotting carcasses out of our houses til about five minutes before kick off and won’t get a patch anywhere. So the plan at the moment is to watch it round whoever’s got the biggest TV and play a bit of Royal Wedding Bingo (rules still to be confirmed, but will involve drinking every time they mention ‘Diana’).

What’s more patriotic than a bit of binge drinking?

Thursday: pre-nuptials pre-gaming

‘Pump up the Volume’ present: A Right Royal Rave @ XOYO. 32-37 Cowper Street, EC2A 4AP
’90s hip hop, house and pop galore. They’ll be busting a world of ‘Prince’ Tracks and ‘Baby D’ will be doing a live set. The peeps from ‘Lost & Found’ will be hosting room 2 making sure everyone is having fun.

Friday: a right royal knees-up

Royal Wedding Crashers Rooftop Party @ The Queen of Hoxton, 1-5 Curtain Road, EC2A 3JX
These guys are screening the main event on their rooftop and going overboard with the wedding sterotypes, big cake, drunk vicar, pervy uncles. This is followed by: The SOULBREW KARAOKE ROYAL WEDDING PRINCE SPECIAL plus a load of DJs including Joey Negro, Mr Thing, and Johnny Reckless. Lots of disco and hip hop tunes to hitch your dress up and dance bare foot to.

White Wedding @ ‘229’ 229 Great Portland Street, W1W 5PN
The ‘White Wedding’ crew have nights all year round but I expect they will be pulling out all the stops at this one. Fancy dress is a MUST. Rob Da Bank and Annie Mac on the decks.

‘Love to Love’ The Royal Wedding Reception @ George Tavern 373 Commercial Rd, London, E1 0LA
Sophie Ellis Bextor and her husband Richard Jones offa The Feeling will be DJing a wealth of electro, indie, rock and pop tunes. This will be full of cool people so although it states fancy dress, the dresses will probably be Vera Wang.

‘Sancho Panza’ presents ‘Royal Flush’ On ‘The Dutch Master’ St Katherine’s Pier, Irongate Wharf, St Katherine’s Way, E1W 1AA
Notting Hill Carnival favorites are raving it up royally with their Royal Wedding themed boat party. Playing deep house, funk and disco.

By royal appointment only…

If raving isn’t your bag and you are called William or Kate, you can go to London Zoo for free. Or, change your name to William or Kate and you can go to London Zoo for free. It’s usually crazy overpriced.

Or go to this Royal Wedding inspired workshop at Betty Blythes, 73 Blythe Road, London W14 OHP (27th-29th April 10am-5pm) where you can learn to decorate Kate and Wills cakes, make bunting or a feathered Kate style fascinator.

I can’t decide whether to go full on bridal or Britannia. Probably bridal as it’s hard to do Britannia without looking BNP-esque. Or I might make that crap degree show see-through sheath dress…

Jude Brosnan

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