Nothing to do on Saturday night? No beer money? No date? No friends? Don’t worry!

You’re spoilt for choice on the generic talent show front on Saturday, because both the BBC’s much anticipated (only by the BBC themselves, natch) show The Voice UK launches at the same time as our old beloved friend (the one you actually CANNOT STAND) Britain’s Got Talent, AKA the stalwart of ITV’s weekend lineup.
Well, except the X Factor. And Dancing on Ice. And Jonathan Ross. You get the picture.

Now, as well all know from my dedicated X Factor roundups, I am a girl who won’t say no to a talent show.

They’re all like one big car accident to me; I just want to turn away and rid my brain of the horrific images I’ve seen, but try as I might, I just can’t seem to do it. I love ’em all, I really do.

But when two major shows have a big fat schedule clash, what does a TV loser like me do? (Don’t say Sky +… that’s too easy.)

Well my friends, I will tell you exactly what I do. I rate each show on a scale of 1-10 in four different pre-determined categories, sort of like a cut-price Top Trumps! Clever, eh?

FORMAT

The Voice – 4/10

It’s all about the Voice, guys! Hmmm, well if they’re going down the serious route, there won’t be much for me to take the piss out of, will there? At least the makers have promised no sob stories. Praise Jesus!

Britain’s Got Talent – 7/10

I do not care in the slightest if Britain’s Got Talent is a tired format (which it undoubtedly is), because it has dancing dogs, stripping grannies and properly deluded people. These things all give me a lot of ammunition to take the piss. Ergo, for this category, I have very little to complain about.

The only reason BGT doesn’t manage a home run of 10/10 is because a few contestants walk a fine line between mentally disabled and just plain stupid. And laughing at disabled people just ain’t cool (laughing at stupid people is brilliant though, don’t worry).

GIMMICK

The Voice – 8/10

OK, this is a very high score indeed, I know. The reason for such a high score, having seen a few episodes of the US version of the show, not to mention the constant VERY ANNOYING trailers that are whoring themselves all over the BBC like a cheap hooker, is this: THE CHAIRS. THEY MOVE.

The judge listens to the ‘voice’, decides whether they want to see the face and therefore PRESSES A BIG BUTTON THAT TURNS THEIR CHAIR AROUND. LIKE A BOND VILLAIN.

Fact: everything in life can be improved by a spinny chair.

Britain’s Got Talent – 1/10

The buzzer is shit. Not to mention rude. Case closed.

PRESENTERS

The Voice – 5/10

The Voice gets a full 5/10 for Holly Willough-booby (I really need to stop saying that. it’s been like 3 years since it was funny) and a full 0/10 for Reggie Yates. Soz Reg.

Britain’s Got Talent – 5/10

Ant and Dec get 2.5 out of 10 each. They’re loveable and mildly amusing, which is always nice, but short Geordie men freak me right out.

JUDGES

The Voice – 6/10

Boy, this was a hard one. On the one hand, I am actually genuinely excited to hear what the legend that is Tom (sex bomb) Jones has to say for himself.

I’m ambivalent, although perhaps could be swayed, on Will-I-Am and the guy from the Script. Pretty good so far, right? Well, here the positivity stops. And I can tell you, it won’t start again until Jessie J leaves my television for good. I don’t know why, but I JUST HATE THAT WOMAN.

Britain’s Got Talent – 2/10

The 2/10 is solely for Simon Cowell, who I will always have a soft spot for, mostly on account of his relationship/friendship with Sinitta, who as well as know, is my hero in life.

However, the rest of the judging panel veers from yawn-factor (Alesha Dixon) to infuriatingly smug and unbearable (Amanda Holden) all the way up to ‘I literally cannot watch another minute of this unfunny bastard any longer, I’d rather stare at your wife’s nipples for two whole hours’ (David sodding Walliams).

And the winner is…

THE VOICE!

With 23/40, beating BGT by a good 8 points, I have determined that I will be watching The Voice this Saturday. Will you be joining me? Or will you be doing something much more fun, like downing 12 Jagerbombs and passing out on your bathroom floor?!

Actually, that’s a good shout. If The Voice is really bad (and not in a so-bad-it’s-good way), I’ll definitely be doing the same.

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