Boys, eh? I’ve seen otherwise normal girls – confident, ballsy, outgoing sorts – go as nutty as squirrel shite over whether the new fella in their life really likes them and why he hasn’t called for nine days. And what the bobbins it all means. They’ll come over all weak-willed, weathered old soap star wailing, ‘...but I love ‘im!‘ in a pathetic cockney accent. Then I’ll witness the tears of a formerly feisty friend as Niagara Falls relocates to her face.
It can be more challenging than The Crystal Maze – and certainly not as much fun. So I thought I’d compile a handy check-list of seven signs that you’re about as welcome in his life as a dose of The Clap. Think of all the bother I’ve saved you! You’re welcome.
1. When will I see you again?
An obvious one, this. But amazing how we’ll trick ourselves, none-the-less. Put simply: if he likes you, he’ll want to see you. If he wants to see you, he will. That’s it! No lame excuses. No busy at work / moving house / dog died bull-shit reasons. Even the weedy looking Proclaimers threatened to walk 500 Miles to see the shared object of their affection. If you’re doing all the running it’s time to ease off and see if matey pulls his finger out. If he does nada, it’s time to give him the finger and jog on. Next!
2. Let’s talk about text, baby
This one’s slightly trickier. But if he texts/IMs/Tweets/smoke signals you much more than actually picking-up-the-blower-and-having-a-real-life-conversation with you then that’s a bad sign. Soz. Usually, when a boy likes a girl, he wants to hear her voice. And speak to her 32,678 times a day. And wish her goodnight with a two hour phone call. He isn’t really too busy to call you. Well, maybe he is busy – getting busy with a girl he actually gives a shit about.
BUT! If he’s too busy to call you and then miraculously dials your digits late on a Friday night for a bit of freaky-deaky, he’s clearly filed you under ‘Fuck Buddy’ and not ‘incredible-girl-I-totally-respect-and-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with’. Go ahead, get played like a pink pipe organ, by all means. But know that you are also getting PLAYED FULL STOP.
3. You keep me hanging on
You shouldn’t have to feel bad for getting in touch with him, ever. I mean obviously, there’s no need to go all nutjob stalker on him. But if you haven’t heard from him for a bit and send a cheeky text to remind him of your existence you shouldn’t really a) have to remind him that you exist in the first place and b) then feel like you’ve lost ‘points’ for caving in and contacting him.
And, as the hours and days tick by and he doesn’t reply, do you feel like you’ve used up your ‘getting in touch’ quota – and if you send another text now you’ll look like a 24 carat fruit loop? OR do you decide to play the game and ignore him, ignoring you – but that’s almost my point – ‘playing the game‘?! Jesus Christ, my brain hurts just from thinking about all this – precisely why you should steer clear. If you send a text and he likes you he’ll (and this is crazy talk, I know) REPLY BACK fairly swiftly and that’s that.
4. Secret lovers (yeah! that’s what we arrrre)
You’ve been seeing each other for six months but he still dares not whisper your name in public? Only sends you DMs on Twitter? Hasn’t introduced you (or even mentioned you) to his pals? Or to the ‘rents? Sounds like he works for MI-fucking-5! It’s not romantic or mysterious and he doesn’t want to ‘keep you all to himself’, that’s bollocks, sweetheart. You know what I’m going to say, don’t you? And I’m right, aren’t I?
5. Gimme, gimme, gimme
When you first meet someone, you’re a better, more polished version of your usual self, yes? You make more of an effort and do nice things for them. Well, YOU do, anyway. Christmas presents, birthday presents, thinking-about-you presents, cards and the like. Now, either your postman has scarpered with all your reciprocal gifts or… he’s just not that into you (the boy, not the postman – but maybe you should ask him out on a date instead? You see him everyday as it is and he makes the effort to visit your house, which is more than the other ungrateful bastard).
If you’re the one doing ALL the *ahem* giving and he’s quite happy to take, take, TAKE; draining you dry and messin’ about with your chakras then do yourself a favour dollface and GIVE him the Spanish Archer (El Bow).
6. The way you do the things you do
They may only be little things but collectively they’re actually a pretty big deal: if he really is into you, he’ll make sure to sweat the small stuff. And not just the obvious shizzle, like your birthday (that’s a basic requirement, non?). Little things, like wishing you luck for an important preso at work or listening to your favourite band after you mention you like their music. Y’know: just simple stuff. Whatever.
If you’ve told him about these things and he doesn’t care to remember, but instead talks about himself ALL the time, then it’s clear that he’d love to see things from your point of view but his head is wedged too far up his own arse to do so. Shame. Make sure the door doesn’t hit him on aforementioned derrière on the way out, yeah?
7. Hot N Cold
As Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat gleefully screeched, ‘opposites attract!’ No wait, I didn’t mean to quote that part, I meant: ‘two steps forward, two steps back!’ is that how you feel? Like you have a few ‘good’ days of banter and communication and then… fuck all? And you start wondering what you’ve done? Did you say something retarded or inadvertently piss him off in your last phone call?
[Just realised I missed a trick by not quoting Katy Perry's catchy 'Hot N Cold' number here. And I even quoted it in the title! Idiot.]
The only thing you should be wondering is why on earth you’ve wasted your time with such a thunk-headed mannerless brute and why it took you so long to come to this conclusion.
Anyway, to be honest, I’ve got a bit bored with writing this now – it’s all such a massive mind fuck (and not in a good, acid tab, trippy way). If you’re having to read articles like this to confirm whether or not he’s into you, let me save you the hassle: HE’S NOT.
If being with him feels like a leetle bit of a ball ache: IT SHOULDN’T BE SO DON’T BOTHER.
I realise this ain’t the movies and nobody’s perfect but you’re worth much, much more than running around like a blue arsed fly after some nob-jockey-waste-of-space-twat.
God, I realise I sound like a bitter, ball-breaking, angry bat now, but I’m not; I mostly think men are aces. I just also happen to think there’s plenty of nice, romantical keepers to go round. And that the unreliable, selfish and enthusiastically pig-ignorant arseholes get too much of a look-in. Will no one rid us of these smug sons of dogs?
So this is a call-out for the good-looking all round good guys: leave your contact details below – I’ve got a gaggle of gorgeous girls who WLTM Mr Treat Her Right… And also, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, I really would. Especially from the fellas. Am I being too harsh (I don’t think I am)? Tell me by Le Blowing back below!