Royal Wedding Fan

Stereotyped // The Royal Superfan

Royal Wedding Fan

Dedicated Elspeth Walpole, 76, from Pratts Bottom in Kent, is what one might call a ‘royal enthusiast’ for she’s simply mad about the monarchy.

Armed with her fold-up chair, two carrier bags and inconspicuous Union Jack tent, she was the first Royal Wedding fan to stake out a prime spot in front of Westminster Abbey for the forthcoming nuptials. Five days before the big day itself. She didn’t mean to get here so soon; her mobility scooter is a terribly whizzy contraption and zoomed down The Mall like a Spaniard on a moped. Still, at least she’s nice and early. Though she could do without Big Ben’s bloody bongs keeping her awake at night. Cup of tea?

She’s brought along a copy of Knit Your Own Royal Wedding with her to pass the time and has nearly completed her very own set of woolly Windsors. Although… Camilla looks more like Vanessa Feltz. And the corgis look like hyenas. Bugger.


A proud veteran of royal sleepovers, Elspeth also camped outside Buckingham Palace for the wedding of Diana to Prince Charles some 30 years ago. And for Prince Andrew’s wedding to Sarah Ferguson in 1986. And for Charles’ second marriage to that syphilitic bog whore in 2005.

In fact, she’s attended most royal events, everything from the coronation of the Queen to Diana’s funeral (God rest her soul) and, of course, the Queen Mother’s legendary birthday parties, where Elspeth used to slurp copious amounts of sherry then get the night bus home.

Her house in Kent is like a dusty old museum, stuffed with royal memorabilia fit for a king and all sorts of nicky-nacks. Despite barely being able to get to the kitchen due to her cherished china collection, Elspeth somehow managed to brew up several flasks of tea (Earl Grey, natch) which she has been drinking from her commemorative china cup and saucer.

She thinks William and Catherine will make an excellent King and Queen – but fears she might well snuff it before the coronation. Drat. But what can one do? Resplendent in a pillar box red blazer, pristine white blouse and navy blue skirt, Elspeth’s patriotic style hasn’t changed since 1982 when William was born.

When asked what she will do if it rains on Friday, she replies, simply, ‘get wet’ – British stiff upper lip at it’s finest. Gawd save the Queen!

– Words: Natalie Wall // Illustration: Libby Freshwater


  • Comments

  • avatar

    What a stupid Cunt… I despair of people like this.. if only it wasn’t true, it would make me laugh

    • avatar

      Aw, I don’t know Jon. I kinda think it’s quite endearing. It’s definitely harmless enough. But you’re right – she’s actually based on a couple of REAL LIFE EXAMPLES. I thought I’d over exaggerated her traits, but nope. Spot on 😉

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