Just call me Mystic Meg // Le Blow’s celebrity predictions for 2012

As 2011 draws to a close, no doubt most people will be looking forward to the fresh, clean slate that 2012 promises, particularly in the naughty ‘sleb world.

Plenty of love-to-hate-them non-entities gave us unmeasurable levels of enjoyment with their antics this year, but personally, with the fact that the world is probably going to end sometime in 2012, I have a feeling that these crazies are about to get even more crazy.

Given the fact that I, rather shamefully, spend far too much time pouring over celebrity gossip sites during my regular hours of insomnia (hey, it stops me online shopping) I have waaaay too much knowledge of anyone who’s ever been featured on a gossip blog, from legit A listers to someone who shagged an X Factor contestant once.

So, this year, I’m taking that ‘gift’ of celeb knowledge, and sharing it, in the form of carefully thought-out predictions for what we can expect from the showbiz world during 2012 (and seeing as I got nearly all the predictions for the most recent series of I’m a Celebrity right, I think I may be nearing on Mystic Meg status).
*Inhales deeply * here goes…

Katie Price and Peter Andre will get back together

If you can’t already see this one coming, you are blind. Or perhaps just avoid all press/TV coverage of them both, for which I honestly can’t blame you (in fact, I envy you).

First come the photoshopped magazine covers declaring they’ve made up, the cryptic tweets, the mentions during a heart-to-heart with Mark Wright in the jungle. I can just feel it in my bones. Yep, that’s right. A TOTAL SHIVER OF DISGUST. Well, Katie’s got to get the attention away from her ex Alex Reid and his Celebrity Big Brother spawn, currently growing in fiancée Chantelle Houghton’s tummy, right? Mark my words, that woman is an evil media genius.

Kim Kardashian does Playboy… again

Ah Kim K. The definition of over-exposure. How anyone can admire a woman who managed to get engaged, married and divorced in the space of 10 months or so, over-documenting all moments by TV show, blog, Twitter and magazine deals as she went, is beyond me.

The “charity” attempts have failed (I can only bring myself to write charity in quotation marks because all she did was go to Haiti and pose for some photos) and she’s steadily falling down the proverbial popularity chart, even with her own fans. Whilst her older sister gets up-duffed again by a Patrick Bateman wannabe, Kim’s sinking almost as fast as a Lohan, and we all know what Lohan sank to this year… Playboy.

Now, I know Kim has done Playboy before (shamefully, I’ve seen that episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians too many times) but I think 2012 is the year she’ll bite the bullet and go full nuddy. In a classy way, of course. Oh, and whilst Lindsay failed to get Hef to cough up the big bucks, Kris Jenner will make sure Kim gets plenty more.

Several high-profile couples will part ways

My money’s mainly on the obvious ones that are already dogged by rumours of infidelity:

• Katy Perry and Russell Brand
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson
• Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin

But I’d also add in a little shock split for news-worthy value… perhaps the rather fresh (and extremely pretty) coupling of:

• Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively?
• Lara Stone and David Walliams?
• Or maybe Katie Holmes or Tom Cruise?

No, scratch that last one, because according to the gossip I’ve heard she’s only half way through her ‘contract’. It will probably be Katie and Peter. For the second time. Before reconciling again in time for next Christmas, so they can do the Iceland ads together.

One of One Direction’s crazed Twitter fans will spontaneously combust and ruin Twitter for all of us

Some poor girl will breathe on Zayn (is that one of them?) or something and Twitter will blow up to all ridiculousness slagging her off, then some insane fan with the Twitter name ‘1D_foreverrrrrr’ with a heart symbol, and a picture where she’s leaning into a macbook camera and making a peace sign and a pouty face will start several different One Direction themed hashtags and eventually will combust through sheer outrage that Zayn didn’t breathe on her, and then it will be all over the Daily Mail and the government will ban Twitter and I, for one, will be really, really pissed off.

There will be a royal baby

And the nation will be gripped with royal baby fever, as Kate Middleton gestates more elegantly than anyone has ever done before her, beaming beautifully in a calf-length beige dress (probably from Reiss) as she delivers a perfectly formed baby.

All us girls will cry and secretly covet their no-doubt outdated choice of baby name, as decreed by the Queen, and in minutes Kate will be back into a size 2 fitted number (again, probably from Reiss) and nude tights and William will continue to bald and we’ll all secretly love them even more than we did this year (or is that just me?)

There will also be a royal hip hop baby in the form of Beyonce and Jay-Z’s baby, whether coming from a surrogate or Beyonce’s uterus itself, and again we’ll all love the name, although this time it will be cool and a bit weird, and Beyonce will be back in a pair of sequin hotpants within hours and the baby’s first step won’t actually be a proper step, but the first move in the Single Ladies dance.

So… what do you think? Will these happen? Any other suggestions?

• Perhaps Frankie Cocozza will win us all over on Celebrity Big Brother?

• Amy Childs will display a keen interest in falconry and encourage the nation to get back into this long-forgotten past-time?

• Or maybe Justin Beiber will admit that he is, in fact, a pint-sized lesbian woman named Deidre?

I honestly don’t know, but I really cannot wait to find out (and write about it all here on Le Blow, of course).

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