What women want // The actual truth. I mean it!

Listen up men.

MEL GIBSON LIED TO YOU

I’m going to be completely honest here. You know when you see a women or men’s interest magazine with the blurb:

‘REVEALED!! What Women ACTUALLY Want! The Article Every Man Should Read…’?

Bollocks. All of it. Those women don’t exist my friend. Well, they do, but are to be AVOIDED at all costs for the sake of your sanity and bank balance.

According to these insightful pieces of shit, women want a man who will serve as her rugged protector, 24-hour-a-day cunnilingus expert, sugar daddy – able to produce an endless magical supply to fund her growing shoe and face cream habit, psychoanalyst for when she’s had a bad day and needs to criticise her sexually aggressive boss, and finally, the prospective caring father type to guarantee a safe upbringing for her future drop scones.

Rubbish. This article will probably end up saving you grey hairs, and more than a few quid.

Ok friends, come with me. I need to tell you some things…

WE DON’T WANT A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR

Well… we do sometimes, like obviously if we’re taken hostage in a bank heist, it might be pleasant to be rescued by you… but it’s 2011 and we’re pretty capable of taking care of ourselves thanks.

If a woman gives you the impression that she’s not, and plays the little girl lost routine – AVOID!
THIS IS A MANIPULATION TACTIC – and it’s designed to activate your protector chip.
Sometimes you don’t even realise we’re doing it, how sneaky is that?

Listen, many ‘blonde moments’ and the like are clever little female tricks to make us seem all “Oh! A butterfly just landed on me and broke my arm!” delicate, so you’ll immediately beat your chest and rescue the poor little female from her dilemma, whether it’s getting you to fix her car, change her light bulbs, or complete her dissertation on particle physics. You’ll do this in hero mode, thinking she can’t survive without you.
She can fellas, you’re just making life that much easier for her. Beware…some women can be wiley…weally weally wiley. Sorry.

WE DON’T WANT YOU STRESSING ABOUT BEDROOM PROWESS

This is where we enter Cosmo land. In Cosmo land, every woman appears to be a mentalist sex driven harpy, hell-bent on achieving multiple orgasms 20 times a night.

Nope.
A lot of the time we actually can’t be arsed. After a hard day at work when we’ve been concentrating solidly on Twitter for 8 hours, the last thing we want when we get home is a complicated sex routine that would make the Kama Sutra hold its hands up and say ‘ oh mate fuck this, I’m going for a drive.’

Yes, sex is wonderful. But having to be proficient at yoga in order to do it is not.
All this “find the g-spot rampant rabbit you need to use your mouth more darling
tantric porn star HEY try it on top of the washing machine positions positions POSITIONS!!” thing actually annoys the fuck (pardon the pun) out of most of us. The normal ones I mean. Normal women aren’t usually that demanding because they’re tired from living normal lives involving work or kids.
So what we do enjoy? The same as you (assuming you’re not a hardcore porn addict). Throw us up against the wall from time to time, we like that and we won’t break…oh, and eye contact is a big yes.
Just BEING with you is the biggest turn on of all time, being close to you like that.

Remember, if we’re wanting to do it with you, it means we’re at least a little bit in love with you…so everything else is just custard on top of an already lovely bowl of sticky toffee pudding.

WE DON’T WANT YOU AS A GIFT HORSE

Some women do, but we – the normals – do not.

Let’s get something out of the way, something you’re probably already aware of.
Flowers are dull. Flowers are boring. Flowers say ‘funeral’. Flowers die in front of your eyes.

‘I really like you. Now please watch these garish, unscented plants decompose in your lounge as a token of my sincere affection.’

Why yes, a posy of lilacs is a lovely idea, and had we been attending the Spring ball at the Great House this evening, I’d have stepped from that carriage with pride, clutching them to my heaving bosom.

Do you like me? Do you? That’s cool. I like you too. I also like console games, books, downloadable music and apps for my phone. Know why? Because I live in the 21^st century where those things are relevant gifts.
Not that I need these things from you…the car I’m driving? I bought it. The bling on my ting? I bought it, or whatever.
Women should be independent. They should be buying their own decomposing plants, not depending on men for them. Sure, a little gift is lovely now and again and should always be reciprocated. These are two way streets we’re walking on now. Why can’t I show up at a date with a Batman comic for you? Fuck protocol, it’s boring. Plus I also like comics so I can read it after you.

WE DON’T NEED YOU TO BE OVER SENSITIVE DRIPS

Oh women. We’re difficult to understand aren’t we? One minute we’re happy as Larry, baking cakes and offering blowies, and the next we’re wailing about that thing on the news concerning a donkey who got ripped off by an RSPCA phone scam.

’It’s hormones! She’s hormonal… awww time of the month is it sweetheart?’

Possibly. You know, instead of sitting there having to listening to us whine, go out. See your mates and escape it. A lot of the time we get like that because we need space, just as men close off and go distant, women get hyper sensitive and picky. Leave us alone. Don’t constantly ask what’s wrong lest you free the
beast that we’re desperately trying to keep within.
A shower and something starring that bloke we like usually does the trick. Let us whine to our female friends, they’ve heard it all before and can tune us out with affirmative noises in all the right places. There’s no need to try and be Dr. Phil, it just grates and makes you a bit annoying sometimes…plus you shouldn’t have to put up with a lot of it.
There are times though, when nothing but a hug from you will do. We’ll usually let you know when.