As this season’s Britain’s Got Talent drew to an dancing dog style close last weekend, I felt a little bit choked up. Not because Jonathan and Charlotte didn’t win (although that did piss me off) but because I wouldn’t have my weekly Simon Cowell fix.
I floated the idea of a ‘freebie list’ to my boyfriend the other day whilst watching BGT. In case you don’t remember that episode of Friends, or haven’t seen it repeated a million times, a ‘freebie list’ is a pre agreed list of five celebrities that you can sleep with whilst in a relationship and the other person can’t get mad.
My boyfriend knows me well so he could see where this was heading and said I could have Simon Cowell on my ‘freebie list’. I did a little dance in my head before realizing two things:
- When the heck am I ever going to bump into Simon Cowell and be a hotter proposition than, oh I don’t know, all the supermodels who must throw themselves at him?
- Proposing a ‘freebie list’ to a boyfriend who actually does mingle with celebrities on a daily basis was really rather stupid of me.
My boyfriend’s ambivalence towards my crush on Simon Cowell is borne from the fact that he doesn’t understand how I could fancy him. I’ve found this miscomprehension to be quite common amongst men. They think that money and power are the only plausible reasons for why Simon Cowell has had so many attractive women fall for his charms.
Well, I beg to differ; I’m going to give you a rundown on why Simon Cowell makes me go weak at the knees. Especially when he’s mean…
His dress sense is awful
Terrible, actually. Makes my eyes hurt. Working in fashion, it actually almost makes me cry, the same way old ladies in Chanel do – it’s just such a waste!
Imagine how much money he has to spend on clothes and how many stylists he could hire and he chooses to wear gut wrenchingly old fashioned flared jeans – with one of my pet hates, pointy shoes – and either a V neck t-shirt or jumper which despite being plain still manages to be offensive in cut.
He’s just so 2000! I would love to get my hands on that man and take him shopping.
However, here’s why his awful clothing choices still make me fancy him: he DOESN’T CARE. He has a uniform and that’s what he wears. Every day.
You don’t have to worry about him rocking up in an embarrassing slogan t-shirt (as my boyfriend regularly does) when you’re introducing him to family and friends because you know exactly what he will be wearing, every day.
He loves crazy women
Most men shy away from crazy women. I listened to a male friend of mine recently lambasting a women to his mates as a bunny boiler because she turned up in a bar where he said he would be that night.
I bullied it out of him that he’d actually been sending the woman flirty texts saying “what are you doing tonight?”.
Collectively the men still thought this was HER being a stalker though.
On the other hand you’ve got Cowell, whose eyes light up when the slightly off ‘er head contestant walks on stage. I like men that aren’t scared of a little bit of crazy, because let’s face it, most of us have it in there somewhere.
In light of recent revelations from the infamous biography Sweet Revenge the intimate life of Simon Cowell there has been some debate over the way he treats his girlfriends.
If a guy came up to me and said “ok here’s the deal, I don’t want to get married or have kids so throw any commitment ideas out of the window. I do want to have sex with you, take you out to nice restaurants, have a laugh, buy you some nice gifts, possibly take you on my yacht” I would say YES.
None of the relationship analysis of ‘where is this going, should I call him or is it too soon, am I coming on too strong’ bullshit. On the other hand if I was at the stage of my life where I wanted to have babies in the next few years and my biological clock was ticking as it apparently does, then I would say NO. But be equally as happy.
Not like some friends of mine who are hanging on in the hope that they’ve spent the last five years with the guy so surely he’s going to pop the question before their ovaries have dried up because their boyfriends must know by now that it’s their life long dream to have three children.
So I can’t really leave his money out of this. Yes his money makes him more attractive because it appeals to some primal urge that he could look after me, protect me, clothe me, in you know, Prada (what? That’s a primal urge!).
But if I’m being completely honest here, it’s more about his arrogance, which if we were to believe everything we read he had before he had any money and clutched onto in the times when he lost it all.
And finally it’s got to be that acerbic tongue of his.
What more can I say? He’s sex on legs… but then again, they say love is blind so perhaps Marmite would be a more wholly acceptable description.
Who’s your guilty pleasure crush? Tell us! And see our Amy’s here.