When I think of holy matrimony, committing to your significant other by law and general girly wedding-y-ness, the last thing I think of is reality TV show and Newcastle’s finest, Geordie Shore.
In fact, the last thing I think of when it comes to anything other than a ‘slut drop’ (Google it), really bad fake tan, or drinking WKD in a tacky VIP area of a Newcastle bar, is usually Geordie Shore.
However, the lovely (not really) Ricci and Vicki off Geordie Shore have only gone and got engaged! In Cancun. In front of MTV’s cameras. As classy as you’d expect. Ricci was topless, obviously. It’s like every little girl’s fairytale!
Allow me to rewind a second for those of you not familiar with the pithy intellectuals that are Ricci and Vicky. I will give you the run-down, all dutifully noted after hour upon hour of research (aka watching Sky+ episodes of Geordie Shore in my pyjamas, nursing a nasty hangover).
He who looks like he has plastic abs and is about a foot shorter than his fairer half, has rich parents, Sky TV in his bedroom and a possible drinking/anger issue.
Ricci’s taller and louder girlfriend, looks quite sweet until she opens her gobshite mouth and screams at random girls for generally being slags. Also, she has an excellent talent for simile-based comedy. They got together on Geordie Shore whilst Vicky still had a boyfriend at home, but it’s ok because ‘they didn’t bang for ages’.
Now, I’m so excited about the Geordie wedding of the decade, I’ve decided to put together a wedding prediction of sorts. What flowers Vicky will choose, what their first dance will be, what will the dress look like?
I’m pretty sure I’ve got this one sorted… in fact, these two should give me a shout if they’re in need of a wedding planner. I charge £60 plus a few cheeky shots of Sambuca.
Whilst I don’t personally know any Geordies, so I’m very much stereotyping here, I’m pretty sure that no self-respecting Geordie would turn down the chance to get hitched at St James’ Park. Am I right? After party at Tiger Tiger, of course. WKD tower, too (like a champagne tower, only a lot more embarrassing).
I know Vicky considers herself a ‘Geordie girl with a VIP edge’, but she does have an apparent fondness for 90s style, boob-a-licious halter tops, and other clothes that generally show a lot of flesh. Which, of course, is why I can just see her rocking this little number down the aisle. Pretty sure she’ll opt for a veil, too. Just to keep it traditional, like.
Kebab. Everytime. Next!
The First Dance
I’ve tried to do some research on this one (just call me a Twitter spy) but I can’t find any info on our favourite couple’s favourite ‘choons. Not entirely sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing to be honest? In any case, I’ve got a couple of song suggestions for that all-important first dance.
Firstly, there’s the failsafe option: the Geordie Shore theme song. Where it all started, natch. Then there’s the riskier choice; the Jersey Shore theme song. Pay tribute to the people who put them where they are in the first place, really. Wouldn’t that be lovely?
If you’re not feeling the theme songs, both of which I can only describe as being from where techno went to die, then maybe we should through a classic into the mix: Endless Love. Yep, the seminal Lionel Ritchie/Diana Ross duet, as performed karaoke-style by Ricci and Vicky themselves. Romantic.
The Bridal Party
This is where it gets tricky. Vicky, as lovely as she is (cough), doesn’t necessarily have the smoothest of friendships with her fellow Geordie Shore castmates. Ditto Ricci. Especially when he hits them after too many jagerbombs.
So, bridal party suggestions? I’m thinking they may reach out to some of their fellow Z-list, reality TV star pals. The Situation? Amy Childs? Maureen from Driving School? I mean, they’ll need to give
Hello Magazine Reveal Magazine as many celebrity exclusives as possible. Fingers crossed Ricci manages to snag Alex Reid as his best man, eh?
Vials of piss? I mean, Vicki is the Angelina Jolie of the Tyne, except blood is probably a bit too mucky for her. Wee is so much easier, don’t you think? Or maybe they’ll go the homemade route. Photoshop a nice collage of all Ricci’s best ab shots, maybe? Granny will love that.
So there it is. If any of these little suggestions turn into reality, I’m going to be owed some Sambuca. Although, maybe the biggest prediction of all is whether they’ll even make it down the aisle or not? Place your bets, people – and Ricci/Vicky – we’re only having a bit of fun. Le Blow congratulates you on your engagement, and suggests you get proper mortal to celebrate.