So it appears I am somewhat of a specialist in the realm of break-ups. I swear I’ve had more Ex Boyfriends than actual Boyfriends – in fact, it’s a bloody shame there’s not a call for couples who’ve done with those gawd awfull councillors who help them stay together, and want one to help them split the fuck up, because if there was, I’d be a ruddy millionaire.

In LACK of demand for the above, I pass on this pearl of wisdom: post-break up songs can MAKE or BREAK you (come on, we’ve all been in a bar having a splendid time, when Robbie Williams’ Angels comes on and a perfectly sassy specimen of womanhood spontaneously combusts into a cross between a scene from Beethoven and The Exorcist).

Now this is NOT, I repeat NOT the usual Sinead O’Connor quivery-bottom-lip Nothing Compares 2 U, or spinster-till-I-die drunkenly howling  All By Myself or shouty Caught Out There (easy Kelis, what do you expect when you attract boys with your ‘milkshake’ – tsk). Believe me, I have done all three and I would like to announce that they are actually the WORST break up songs.

THESE are the best break up songs…

1) Walk Tall, Kele

Marchy, stampy, and self- assuring in a kind of my-mate-Marmite sergeant major-y way; will make you have a word with yourself, gain composure. And then completely loose your shit when the bass drops.

2) Good Things, Aloe Blacc

Love this. Mellow. Cool. Calm. Just the right side of nauseatingly chirpy. Life is so much better without you. Especially now Aloe Blacc is in it, so nerrrrrr.

3) Breathe, Prodigy

Because sometimes you need Aloe Blacc to soothe your bruised and battered heart. And sometimes you need the Prodigy to SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF IT. A friend of mine created Angular Day day a couple of years ago when dumped pre-Valentine’s Day.  Angular is ANTI all the fluffy, cuddly, soft, pink SHIT associated with Valentines, and being in (mouth vom) love. Anything heart shaped or red is BANNED and angles, edges and spikes, encouraged. This song is the angular anthem.  Come play MY game. I DARE YOU.

4) Oxford Comma, Vampire Weekend

I defy ANYONE to be sad to this song. And if you are, then watch the official Glastonbury 2009 registration clip above, with this song as the soundtrack. THIS is my happy place. Look at the sunshine. Look at the people. Look at the times they are having.  And guess what. There ain’t a boyfriend in sight telling them to grow up and that they have drunk too much and they look ridiculous with their face painted like a tiger.

5) Bad Day, Darwin Deez

A personal favourite of mine…

If you drop your keys I hope there’s a sewer somewhere very nearby. I hope that your team lost, I hope your new girl takes off with a new guy…

Childish? Yes.

Genius? Also yes.

Cos every day oughta be a bad day for you. You wanker.

6) Dog days are over, Florence and the Machine

It’s happy, it’s bouncy… Hmm, there may be a sentiment in there somewhere (ok, ok, so I’m not one for subtlety) and we bloody love Florence, the spiky ginger pixie that she is. Girl power.

7) Toxic, Britney Spears

An ode to my penchant for ‘toxic’ boys. The best way to get over someone, is to get under under someone else (God I’m profound. I’m like the Dalai Lama of sluts. No need to thank me). So make like Britney – bitch: grab a pole and attract Mr Wrong. Do it.

– Amy Rycroft