The X Factor Live Shows // Week Nine: Misha B for Bieber and buh-bye!

Week nine of the X Factor and Fiona Goby (your regular X Factor columnist) has decided to fack awf to NYC, and to be honest, I can’t blame her. The excitement of the semi final was clearly too much to bear. I bravely offered to step into her shiny shoes to bring you the lowdown of this weekend’s… ‘action’.

The contestants performed two songs each again on Saturday – one Motown classic (or a song by Lemar with a Motowny type beat) and a Song To Get Me To The Final.

So Amelia sang shrieky Avril Lavigne and Little Mix sang If I Were A Boy. Not sure how either of these things will get you to the final, but who am I to mock as clearly their tactics worked.

There were lots of plinths and splayed leg stances this week. And, as predicted (by me, down the pub with my mates), someone sang My Girl. Turned out to be Marcus. His rendition moved me. Made me think of poor ol’ Macaulay Culkin getting savaged by killer bees in the film of the same name *sob*

Anyway, not sure if I was just feeling the pressure in Fiona Goby‘s absence, but wasn’t X Factor SHIT this weekend?! Still, there were still some gems: Gary Barlow giving Jeremy Clarkson a run for his money in the grumpy old man stakes and the miming in Sunday’s group song was so out of sync, it nearly was in sync, if you know what I mean? Oh – and all this happened, too…

Tulisa’s tatt is back on display this week

And, as per the other weeks, she appears to have no real grasp of the musical theme in question. On Sunday, she and Kelly gave us timely reminders to stock up on Bacofoil ahead of doing the Christmas turkey in their shiny silver dresses. Thanks gals, I owe you one!

Kelly’s magical beauty spot keeps us guessing again

It’s my favourite new X Factor game to play: spot Kelly’s beauty spot! Where will it be? No one knows. except her make-up artist. In fact, her beauty blemish was more entertaining than her own near naked performance on the Sunday results show: a Kelly Rowland medley of… two songs. Yup. Two! Songs!

All quite unremarkable really, though the talk of the town (well, Twitter) were her shit hot abs – sharp enough to grate cheese on – and reason enough to wear sequin knickers, for sure.

Little Mixed up the words and dance routine

Oops. Maybe they’re pissed off because their mentor keeps calling them her ‘Little Muffins’ What a twat.

And then to add insult to injury, Gary ‘miserable bastard’ Barlow insisted that Perrie was the best singer in the group and all girl groups need an appointed lead singer. Ahhh, well. Like they give a shit. They’re now the first ever girl group to make the final in the history of X Factor. GWAN, YA LITTLE MIXERS!

The Olly Murs competition appears to have ended


But I didn’t get a phone call saying I’d won. I can’t fathom that at all. Surely no one else entered?!

The M&S advert goes all Mystic Meg on us

M&S Amelia ad

Not only have they edited out all of the X Factor rejects (fair enough), but, quite spookily, they swapped Misha B for Amelia Lily in the all important end frame. DO THEY KNOW SOMETHING WE DON’T? SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING MUCH?!

Justin Bieber was shit

He looked like Michael Jackson and Cheryl Cole’s lesbian love child, accompanied by a whiny reggae beat that sounded like the demo on a Casio keyboard from the early ’90s stuck on repeat. Ironically for somebody so pint-sized, he kept singing about his ‘shorty’. Come back, The Muppets – all is forgiven…

Misha B for BUH-BYE!

Sounding more and more like a Dalek with every show, I can’t help but think Misha B was stitched up this week – having to wear a dress made from vinyl records for the first song and then sitting atop a gently simmering volcano for the second. Luckily they didn’t combine the two, or the disc dress would have melted like a goodun’.

Still, for some reason, she got to sing a farewell song to say ta-ra. So chose to do the one Jessie J did LAST WEEK. As you do.

See you next week at echoey Wembley Arena for THE FINAL. I’m wee-my-pants excited. Are you?

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