Five very important life lessons reality TV has taught us

Trashy, lacking in substance, completely fake. Just some of the arguments against reality TV. Yes, it might be superficial at its core; but look hard enough, and you can learn some really, really important lessons from reality TV. Sort of.

Making a sex tape is a good idea, as is having a massive arse

Kim Kardashian might appear mind-numbingly stupid, but she might actually be a pretty smart cookie deep down. Release a sex tape – get a TV show – capitalize on fame with endorsements and deals with ANY product you can imagine, from diet pills to credit cards to cupcakes. It’s a tried and tested celebrity route (Hi, Paris Hilton), but we reckon Kim’s gargantuan behind and equally huge family (in numbers, obvs) made her stand out from the crowd. To emulate her success, we suggest bum implants. Or maybe just these pants.

If your entire family, friends, boss and the general public all hate your boyfriend, you should probably dump him

A very, very important lesson here. Anyone remember when Heidi Pratt was Heidi Montag, a vague Beverley Hills airhead with average cleavage and a pretty face? In other words, slightly annoying, but totally harmless?

Fast forward 4 years, and my, how things have changed. Under the watchful eye of ridiculous, arrogant, crystal-obsessed Spencer Pratt, she’s been disowned by her family, claimed 9/11 was an ‘inside job’, attempted to release some godawful “music”… and inflated into the actual real life embodiment of a sex doll.

If only she’d listened to LC and got rid of that douchebag during the early days, she wouldn’t be the image of desperation she is now. What a shame. Make sure you have a good mental image of Heidi’s scary, non-moving face next time your best friend tells you she thinks your new boyfriend is a bit of an arrogant twat. Just saying.

Two (identical) heads are better than one

Are you lucky enough to be an identical twin? Not only have you got some
serious perks that the rest of us non-twin folk don’t (Sister, Sister style identity swapping for one), but you’re much more likely to make an impact – and a lot of money – on reality TV. Even if you are thick. Which it seems most reality TV twins are. Nonetheless, Big Brother’s Samanda made over a million in just a few months of leaving the BB house, Jedward signed a £90,000 record contract AND were voted more popular than The Beatles (who exactly voted in this poll?!).

As for Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends the Shannon twins, stars of Girls of the Playboy Mansion… they haven’t done much. One of them did make a sex tape with Heidi Montag though. (Guess it doesn’t apply to all twins, then. Good to know.)

NEVER show any signs of weakness, or you’ll be forced to eat bugs / rummage through boxes of snakes / be buried alive for 3 minutes

Gillian McKeith, her out of All Saints, Paul Burrell. They learnt the hard way that watching people scared out of their minds is frankly, bloody hilarious. Learn from Natalie Appleton’s mistakes, people; if you’re terrified of trees, well firstly don’t go on a reality TV show set in the jungle, but also don’t let anyone know. As soon as you do, they’ll be ringing premium telephone numbers and pressing the red button on their tellies forcing you to lie down in a buried coffin for a certain number of minutes whilst Ant and Dec instruct people to throw some rats and worms and similar creepy crawlies in there too. All just so you can have a cup of tea and a bit of pineapple with your rice and beans dinner. Actually, maybe that’s all a bit of an exaggeration. But you will look like a right wally if you tell someone you’re scared of trees. Lesson learnt.

The sea is salty because of whale sperm

No really; Snooki said it so it must be true

– Fiona Goby

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    I just can’t take my eyes of that arse!

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