Bore off beauty industry, with your bullshit slogans!

[sarcasm] A week or so back, I had to buy some new mineral foundation. Try as I might, I couldn’t find one with the new ingredient that enhances you, post production. I’d sort of depended on that you see, the special additive that is able to reverse time if you’re unhappy with how you look, so you can relive the day with a better face. I personally think it’s the most exciting beauty invention since Boswellox! [/sarcasm]

I’m pissed off with the beauty industry again. This started the other night when Rachel Weisz went out of her way to annoy me.

‘I like to keep healthy by running around a bit, and stimulate my curiosity by looking at stuff. Then I slap some of this here cream on my face, and all my lines piss off like magic’ Rachel whispers huskily, staring innocently from the television with an expression of airbrushed indifference.

‘Because we’re worth it.’
Are WE Rachel? Are WE?
Because WE (the great unwashed) know full fucking well that you have access to some of the finest camera trickery known to man, while the rest of us are subjected to the cold light of day. Natural light is a harsh mistress Rachel, HARSH.

No mineral make-up in the world can hide my dark circles from her seeking
gaze. “There they are!” she shouts with vindictive glee, “show those shadowy
bags to the world! Let everyone know you haven’t had a decent night’s sleep for 15 frigging years!”

I refuse to fall for it. I’d like a little more honesty with my beauty products,
because ‘enhanced in post production’ just isn’t doing it for me. I want to see these people au naturel before being made-up in front of my eyes with the product they are trying to sell me, THEN let’s see if it works. No tricks, no lies. I could really respect a company like that.

It’s never going to happen though is it? So for now, let’s have fun criticising some of my favourite beauty industry fibs. I mean, slogans.

1. ‘Get the London look’

I’m not sure if this is that expression of disdain you give when someone shits
their pants right in front of you. Or if it’s the face upper-class Londoners pull when Waitrose run out of free-range organic handmade French toilet paper.

2. ‘Maybe she’s born with it.’

Born with what? A vestigial tail? Hydrocephaly? Genetically predisposed
schizophrenia? Oh, I see, you mean natural beauty. Because that’s how we look when we slap a nice thick layer of your product on our faces to hide the gigantic pores you’ve made us think we have. Completely natural.

Yes, we all rock that ’70-year-old Vegas stripper with skin cancer’ look.

3. ‘Here come the girls.’

Back in the heady summer of 1942 when the Nazi’s were trying to recruit more females, this was actually one of the more upbeat SS marching songs they used for that very purpose. I assume.

Well I don’t know about you, but it makes me want to invade and declare war on a certain bastard chemist every time I hear it.

4. ‘It’s not cosmetic surgery.’

Honestly? So I’ve been wasting time anaesthetising myself before applying your cream to my face then? That’s how poor Michael Jackson went you know.

5. ‘Because we’re worth it.’

I’d hate to think what we’d get if we weren’t. Some people aren’t though, let’s be honest. Especially that cow in the (you guessed it) Honda who drove at 15 miles an hour in front of me for about 2 miles yesterday. She’s worth fuck all.

6. ‘Feel closer.’

The slogan for voracious molesters and bottom pinchers everywhere. Have at it brethren!

7. ‘Love the skin you’re in.’

This was beauty advice that the guy from Silence of the Lambs took a bit too literally.

As for the rest of us, we’re supposed to just accept what we’ve got and get on with our lives. As persons of a facially challenged nature. Well, some of us have to; I’m not naming any names.

Not me though, I’m one seriously hot bitch. *flashes magnificent tits*

8. ‘Take care.’

I say this at the end of phone calls. I say it when people are leaving my house after an evening of bouncy frolics on the Wii. I once said it when I was drunk, right into the face of a girl who was getting cocky with me in the pub, followed by a very sinister “now jog on”. You just don’t associate it with beauty products. Some kind of antiseptic possibly, but not beauty.

Are any of you really falling for this? I need to believe that you’re not. I need to know that you’re taking these bullshit lines with as much of a pinch of salt as I am, somuch so that your doctor is already warning you about your  sodium intake.

The fact is, very deep pockets and the number of a great plastic surgeon are the only things that will stop you ageing prematurely. But prepare yourself, as you will end up looking all stretched, like old drum face herself, Joan Rivers.

Creams that don’t work, or knives that overwork? Neither! Perhaps you could ask me again when I’m 45 with sagging chops, and possibly much less arrogance about both subjects, that’ll teach me.

But for now, I want you to know that as I write this, I am wearing my original
face… shadows, fine lines, pores and all. That’s rebellion that is.

– Chrissy

  • Comments

  • avatar

    I loved it most when Cheryl Cole says it, the advocate for women everywhere. “We forgive cheating husbands because we’re worth it”. Yes I know she’s ditched him now…

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