It’s the Diamond Jubilee next weekend – oh, hooray! Hurrah!
Yes, I hear you all – cheering and ‘whooping’ (pronounced wu-hooping) from the London rooftops, waving your little Union Flags and eating your cucumber sandwiches. Let’s all pretend that will be the case, shall we? Put a nice hue on things.
The fact that we’ll all probably be cross-eyed with drink throughout the entire Jubilee celebrations should not be allowed to rear its ugly head here. We will not be playing some potentially humiliating form of Twister at 4.50am whilst four people film our positions and upload them to Facebook.
We will not cut our feet open on a broken bottle as we walk home (bare-foot) through an inner-city park.
We will not - and I repeat not – be playing Craig David loudly and knowing all the words and holding one ear tightly as though we’re wearing ‘cans’. None of that.
Well, that pretty much sums up my Jubilee weekend for you, then. And yours?
If you’d like something patriotic to keep hold of once the celebrations are over – if you’d like a little keepsake, other than an egg-shaped bruise on your forehead and an inexplicable £187.40 till receipt from Wetherspoons, then look no further.
Because obviously if you want Jubilee memorabilia it’s going to be a face cream or perfume! What could be more appropriate? *Insert approximately 2, 789 examples here*
The Diamond Jubilee Tangle Teezer
Everyone should own a Tangle Teezer – unless they’re bald, obviously – so if you don’t, get a flag one. You’ll cherish it all the more for its patriotic symbolism, I promise.
Cool Britannia Tangle Teaser, £12.95, see stockists here
Jubilee themed SteamCream
SteamCream have not one but four tins with Jubilee-ish designs. This cult 3-in-1 moisturiser can be bought in a Union Flag tin or the more tenuously themed (but actually preferable, in my opinion) Routemaster edition. There’s also a Big Ben version and one with a little soldier on.
London fans will love the little red buses printed all over, actual London people who ride on buses will hate them. “Pah,” they’ll spit, as they wait for the elusive 55 in the driving rain.
That’s not a London bus! There’s no stinky tramp throwing up his chips against the inside of the window.
Routemaster SteamCream, £13, Asos.com
Floris relaunch 1926 fragrance
Floris spent three whole weeks shadowing the Queen, recording her scent at different times of the day, swabbing her skin and sending the samples off to their vast labs… And then they came up with this.*
*All of that was an absolute lie, just in case I get sued/put in the Tower.
What is true is that this perfume is one of the most florally florals I’ve ever smelt – it’s like getting smashed in the face with the Queen’s bouquet!
A good one, I think, if you want a proper ‘heritage’ product with a lot of history behind it – the fragrance has been adapted from the original recipe that was created at HRH Elizabeth II’s birth. All of 30 years ago! (She paid me to say that.)
Royal Arms Diamond Edition, £99/100ml, Floris London
Limited edition Lancome
Fashion designer Georgia Harding has customised the bottles with either a Lancome Sceptre or a Lancome Crown and you can have your name hand-painted beneath the design, too. (Hands up all of those who would probably come up with a silly made-up name? Thought so.)
Limited Edition Visionnaire 50ml, £85 and Limited Edition Genifique 75ml, £95 available exclusively from Selfridges from 31st May
Special Edition ChapStick
Anyway, you can relive childhood memories by winding it up further than it should go so that it won’t go back down into the tube again. (Cue mother: “I told you not to mess with the ChapStick! Didn’t I tell you? Now what will we do? Do you think that money grows on trees?” Pause. “Well, I’m just going to have to send you up those chimneys again.” Twas a hard life.)
Special edition ChapStick, £1.22 from just about everywhere