Hello, let me look at you.
No, not because I care what you look like, but because YOU are unique and I want to know everything that makes you tick, every little piece that makes up the jigsaw puzzle of you.
I love people. I like meeting new people, chatting with them, learning about them. If I could meet everyone in the world (supposing time stood still), I would. Though this would involve spending a large amount of time learning languages, and I don’t really fancy my luck at Japanese.
As human beings we are mostly the same physically, but no-one else on this planet is exactly like you. No-one who’s ever lived, or ever will is EXACTLY like you. Doesn’t that (le) blow your mind?
You are an absolute one-off, there will never be another you. Can you hear me Lady Gaga?
YOU WILL NEVER BE MADONNA.
So if there is never going to be another you, why are you being so quiet?
Don’t you owe it to yourself to do more? I’m sure you’ve heard that saying, or song:
Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think…
Well words like that haunt me.
They didn’t used to. I’ve always been pretty quiet and preferred to hide on the side-lines rather than have any kind of attention focused on me, and I’m still like that now. But one day something rang inside me like a bell. I realised that while it was perfectly ok to be a quiet type, the ‘living quietly’ part was a waste of myself as an individual. From that day, I’ve sought out odd things to learn about, do, or become proficient in. It’s not about making myself a more well-rounded individual, it’s about the experience.
I’m not talking about big things here either, you can get tremendous satisfaction from learning something simple.
Teach yourself a sentence a day in another language. Preferably something sweary. Then say it when people piss you off, oh it’s a small triumph and joy, believe me. You don’t? Well I’ll tell you who believed me in bed last night – tu madre, puta.
I don’t have many ‘great skills’ as Napolean Dynamite would say, but I’ve honed a few that had always interested me until I was fairly proficient. I did this because I wanted to, not because I wanted to impress anyone. That’s not the point of this article at all, these skills should be for your own pleasure and self-satisfaction, nothing more than that.
Nowadays I’m your go-to girl if you need your tarot cards read, to swear in six different languages, a knife thrown at someone’s face (a picture of their face, obviously…), a diabolo or poi display, or some hot medieval bow and arrow action.
Currently, that is. I intend to learn more. Things I’m interested in include Russian, the ukulele, breakdancing and how to make cocktails blindfolded. Just because.
I’m not trying to get all ‘seize the day’ on you, the whole point of this is satisying and expressing a little of your inner fool, which is quite different to making each day count. I don’t go in for that live each day like it was your last crap, assuming I live to a ripe old age does this mean I have to shuffle along all bent over, complaining that ‘me grapes’ are giving me gip?
To be fair though, I don’t honestly see myself living to a ripe old age. I’m highly uncoordinated, very forgetful, and the last time I ate vegetables was 1987.
So come on, what are you going to do? Sit there reading Le Blow all day? Well yeah, do that first because it’s the literary equivalent of an ice cream sundae, served on the naked celebrity of your choice, in Belgium. Yes, in my fantasy, it will always be Belgium.
Back to the matter in hand, I’ve trawled the internet for weeks, searching the perfect skills that you can learn online for free. At one point I had to climb a sheer rock face! Although I don’t honestly know how that happened and it was nothing to do with this, I guess I’m just trying to impress you. As usual.
Choose your sexy new skill NOW…
Fancy yourself as a bit of a doctor?
Some idiot: “Oh my god, he/she’s choking!”
You: “Stand back! I know the Heimlich Manoeuvre!”
Sexy man/woman: “You saved my life. I think I’m falling in love with you.”
You: “That’s ruddy grand.”
See what could potentially happen? You’re welcome.
Fancy yourself as a hard-to-read card jockey?
As it was me who started you on this journey, I am entitled to 20% of all your winnings should you become dangerously proficient. I don’t know why, I don’t make the rules. It is what it is.
Fancy yourself as a snake-hipped geek legend?
THIS is a skill that will get you far. The respect of your peers, probably your perfect job, the man/woman of your dreams… incredible things can happen when you learn to dance like Napolean Dynamite. I used to be an 80-year-old man serving time for armed robbery, and look at me now!
Feeling a bit ‘circus’?
There is no doubt, picking fruit up out of somebody’s bowl and tossing it around with your hands is the easiest way to look like some kind of god. Not one part of that sentence was a euphemism.
Want to get popular very, very quickly?
Yes. Moving on.
So do it. I don’t know about you, but when my last day or moment here arrives, I want to be able to smile and think ‘Nope, didn’t waste it on the mundane.’
Of course, this is on the assumption my last moment isn’t the result of a botched skill-learning experience, in which case my final thought will probably be:
Well… nice one, dickhead. I told you your ankles would be too weak for this shit.
No, that isn’t me at all. I’d prefer:
“Do you know Chrissy?”
“Oh, you mean the Russian speaking, ukulele playing archer? Yeah, she was in here earlier swinging poi and swearing at us in French.”
THAT’S how I want to be remembered. Fuck yes.