Fancying the ‘fugly’ one in boy bands // why it pays to go for the mysterious ones at the back

I’ve been writing this post in my head for ages. You know: fancying the ‘unpopular’ one in boy bands. The one no one else fancies. The one that usually gets plonked at the back, in the shit outfit, looking all mysterious. Usually the one that gets to snog the girl in the video, cos no teenage hearts will be broken – but by the same token, the one that everyone always accuses of being gay.

The topic has always been there, bubbling under the surface, but I’ve been a quite shy about ‘fessing up, cos it’s a bit odd, innit? I mean, why have French Fries when you can have Foie Gras? Especially when it’s essentially all a big bloody fantasy that’s never going to come true – why be so practical? I don’t know, but let’s look at this:

do what u like take that

Anyway, this topic sort of came to a head over a recent chat with Poppy D about inappropriate male objects of fancy [still waiting for that post, yeah Poppy?].
But the oddball crush cup spilleth right over when I heard Catherine fucking Tate is dating Jason Orange AKA The One I Always Fancied From Take That? No fair.

Am I bovvered? Well, yes; yes I fucking AM! Although it has totally proved my theory right: that by keeping it real and fancying the fugly ones from boy bands, the more likely the inexplicable school girl crush is to become a reality. This could’ve been me:

Catherine Tate and Jason Orange
Add to that, these boys normally mature, like a rather fine wine or cheese, into successful, dashing specimens of manliness (where as the cutesie, fit ones go off the rails, develop a Class A drug habit and do the dirty on their wives). The Background Boys haven’t got egos the size of the Bernabéu, and have less of a sense of self-righteousness.

Whilst it seems that Jason Orange is taken (for NOW – he still hasn’t met me yet), I thought I’d share with you some of the other more ‘mysterious’ members of boy bands I used to fancy (the ones that no one else did – or had the balls to admit to at the time) – and how right I was to do so. Behold with your eyes:

Craig Logan // Bros

craig logan then now

I always found the Goss twins a bit TOO overwhelmingly good looking, didn’t you? A bit too… blonde and shiny and perfect for me. Like plastic Ken dolls. I liked the brooding brunette bloke on the bass – the one with brains (a pattern you’ll see repeated throughout this feature).

Turns out I was spot on (aged eight; yes, I was a precocious child), as he quit the band in 1989 and is now a minted music mogul (he was awarded £1million in unpaid royalties and is now a major record label boss). Plus, he’s still hot (for a 42 year old). I WIN.

Jon Knight // NKOTB


Yeah, you read right. Jon, not Jordan. I always thought he was such a quiet, pretty boy… turns out my Gaydar was starting to hone itself, even then.

Yup. He’s gay. Came out 20 years ago, apparently. Personally, I blame Tiffany for trying it on with him in the ’80s. That’s enough to turn anyone… although, Jason Orange might like her, what with his penchant for red heads *runs off to dye hair auburn*

Jason Orange // Take That


Sigh. Oh, Jason. When will we meet and get married?

I took a LOT of stick for my Orange allegiance back in the day. Particularly through the Mohawk/goatee beard phase. My only Allies during this time were the Gary fans, cos he was still a tubby bastard back then.

But look how smug we are now: Gary’s looking all cross and handsome on X Factor! And Jason’s… Jason’s really hot and hairy?

Shane // Boyzone

shane lynch then and now

This is one of the more embarrassing crushes. Look, I was at an Irish Catholic all-girls school, right? It was THE LAW to fancy one of Boyzone. So I picked Shane. Tall, dark, handsome, a bit different. And, er, brother of B*Witched.

Guy Berryman // Cold Play

guy berryman hot

Just to prove that I haven’t outgrown this penchant for , and strictly not a boy band (what would Chris Martin say?), but I’ve been harbouring a bit of a crush on Coldplay’s bassist for some time. A quiet, pretty chap, doesn’t say much. Uh-oh! Didn’t I learn anything from Jon Knight?!

However, I think Gwynnie made the wrong choice in Mr bound-to-stink-of-BO Martin. Just look at the pictorial evidence above (no, that’s not a weird tattoo on his abdomen; it’s the stamp on the car window)…

I’m TELLING YOU: it’s the quiet ones you’ve got to watch.

  • Comments

  • avatar
    Kate Stalker

    Oh my! Craig Logan was Deffo the hot one. I was always down with the dark horse. Who needs someone as shiny, blonde and pointy as the Goss brothers?!?! (bless them and all that). Being from New Zealand and surrounded by uber cool friends who listened to Nina Hagen and The Ramones, I copped a lot of flack for being a Brossette at all and especially for liking the ‘dull one’ but I persevered regardless. I still harbour a secret crush on Craig Logan. I’m glad I’m not the only one and I’m well happy to see that , yes indeed, he’s become the handsome, successful man he deserved to be. I am now happily married but there is always a glimmer of hope. My Surname is Stalker after all…

    • avatar

      LOVE this comment and LOVE your surname. That’s your married name, right? So you married your Stalker? * chortle* I’m not mocking, you clearly have EXCELLENT taste in men… 😉

      • avatar
        Kate Stalker

        Hee hee. No, the name’s all mine – and I certainly wasn’t going to give it up easily. Especially for something tedious and common (sorry Husband). I still maintain, however, that I could never actually BE a Stalker. Who could ever be that important? I’m FAR too selfish…

  • avatar
    Angela, Holland

    CRAIG LOGAN OMG !! What a cutiepie ! And deff. brains !! I also had a crush on him….still do I guess 😉 Looked so tough while playing the bassguitar, and he also was so funny during interviews. That mysteriousness…sigh….Craig Logan : YOU THA MAN !!! Don’t forget: Jon Knight also played the bass (maybe there’s a second patern?) Am still a fan of NKOTB, within three weeks am attending a NKOTB concert again!! But I always, and still do, fancy Donnie. Big question is: Am I welcome to your club Natalie 😉 ? Whahahaa

    • avatar

      It MUST be a bassist thing! That Coldplay dude is a bass player. And I always liked Alex from Blur – another bass player – while everyone fancied Damon All Bran…

  • Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *