Fancying the ‘fugly’ one in boy bands // why it pays to go for the mysterious ones at the back

I’ve been writing this post in my head for ages. You know: fancying the ‘unpopular’ one in boy bands. The one no one else fancies. The one that usually gets plonked at the back, in the shit outfit, looking all mysterious. Usually the one that gets to snog the girl in the video, cos no teenage hearts will be broken – but by the same token, the one that everyone always accuses of being gay.

The topic has always been there, bubbling under the surface, but I’ve been a quite shy about ‘fessing up, cos it’s a bit odd, innit? I mean, why have French Fries when you can have Foie Gras? Especially when it’s essentially all a big bloody fantasy that’s never going to come true – why be so practical? I don’t know, but let’s look at this:

Anyway, this topic sort of came to a head over a recent chat with Poppy D about inappropriate male objects of fancy [still waiting for that post, yeah Poppy?].
But the oddball crush cup spilleth right over when I heard Catherine fucking Tate is dating Jason Orange AKA The One I Always Fancied From Take That? No fair.

Am I bovvered? Well, yes; yes I fucking AM! Although it has totally proved my theory right: that by keeping it real and fancying the fugly ones from boy bands, the more likely the inexplicable school girl crush is to become a reality. This could’ve been me:

Add to that, these boys normally mature, like a rather fine wine or cheese, into successful, dashing specimens of manliness (where as the cutesie, fit ones go off the rails, develop a Class A drug habit and do the dirty on their wives). The Background Boys haven’t got egos the size of the Bernabéu, and have less of a sense of self-righteousness.

Whilst it seems that Jason Orange is taken (for NOW – he still hasn’t met me yet), I thought I’d share with you some of the other more ‘mysterious’ members of boy bands I used to fancy (the ones that no one else did – or had the balls to admit to at the time) – and how right I was to do so. Behold with your eyes:

Craig Logan // Bros

I always found the Goss twins a bit TOO overwhelmingly good looking, didn’t you? A bit too… blonde and shiny and perfect for me. Like plastic Ken dolls. I liked the brooding brunette bloke on the bass – the one with brains (a pattern you’ll see repeated throughout this feature).

Turns out I was spot on (aged eight; yes, I was a precocious child), as he quit the band in 1989 and is now a minted music mogul (he was awarded £1million in unpaid royalties and is now a major record label boss). Plus, he’s still hot (for a 42 year old). I WIN.

Jon Knight // NKOTB

Yeah, you read right. Jon, not Jordan. I always thought he was such a quiet, pretty boy… turns out my Gaydar was starting to hone itself, even then.

Yup. He’s gay. Came out 20 years ago, apparently. Personally, I blame Tiffany for trying it on with him in the ’80s. That’s enough to turn anyone… although, Jason Orange might like her, what with his penchant for red heads *runs off to dye hair auburn*

Jason Orange // Take That

Sigh. Oh, Jason. When will we meet and get married?

I took a LOT of stick for my Orange allegiance back in the day. Particularly through the Mohawk/goatee beard phase. My only Allies during this time were the Gary fans, cos he was still a tubby bastard back then.

But look how smug we are now: Gary’s looking all cross and handsome on X Factor! And Jason’s… Jason’s really hot and hairy?

Shane // Boyzone

This is one of the more embarrassing crushes. Look, I was at an Irish Catholic all-girls school, right? It was THE LAW to fancy one of Boyzone. So I picked Shane. Tall, dark, handsome, a bit different. And, er, brother of B*Witched.

Guy Berryman // Cold Play

Just to prove that I haven’t outgrown this penchant for , and strictly not a boy band (what would Chris Martin say?), but I’ve been harbouring a bit of a crush on Coldplay’s bassist for some time. A quiet, pretty chap, doesn’t say much. Uh-oh! Didn’t I learn anything from Jon Knight?!

However, I think Gwynnie made the wrong choice in Mr bound-to-stink-of-BO Martin. Just look at the pictorial evidence above (no, that’s not a weird tattoo on his abdomen; it’s the stamp on the car window)…

I’m TELLING YOU: it’s the quiet ones you’ve got to watch.