One for the Francophiles. It’s James Franco.

It’s the Oscars on Sunday and to be honest, we couldn’t be more excited. Is it down to the gowns, blubbing or gratuitous close-ups of the losing parties’ strained smiles? No dummies. It’s James Franco of course.

Those wunderkinds at the Academy have eschewed the usual po-faced has-beens (JOKES, Billy Crystal) for the thinking man’s tail, Anne Hathaway and king of all trades, James Fucking Franco. Of course, this occasion will be exploited as a thinly veiled excuse to wax lyrical on the many virtues of JF. Now sit back and take it like a man…

We’re going to have list this shit up because thinking about him makes us do a brain wee, and this is not conducive to coherent explanation. So here it is:

1. The face

An obvious one, but hard to ignore what with it being all over the front of his head. This face – and other superficial qualities – earned Franco the title of Sexiest Man Living in 2009 from er, (who?). The point is, he should be taking that title every year from every conceivable publication in the known universe until his last breath. That ain’t bias, that’s just science, ok? He’s so hot he even felt compelled to make out with himself for NY Times Magazine. They call it art, we call it Franco Porn.

2. He’s a freak, boo

Starting out, Franco played one of the cool so-called freaks in short-lived ‘90s (’99-’00 to be exact) series Freaks and Geeks. Recently voted 13th best TV show OF ALL TIME by Entertainment Weekly, those dicks at NBC should have kicked themselves in the nutulars for dropping the ball(s) on that one. JF was one of its many highlights as a perma-stoned degenerate that had Linda Cardellini (her from ER) and Busy Phillips (the gobby one from Cougar Town and later seasons of Dawson’s Creek) getting all hot under the collar and shit. Natch.

3. And a geek

Now I personally hold a predilection for geeks and their massive brains in general.  For example, there’s a dogeared copy of ‘Geeky Dreamboats’ in my desk drawer which promises and delivers page upon page of ‘dreamy geekboat nuggets’. Franco isn’t in there, but he should be. In fact if there were any singular geek to top the polls, Franco would be the clear victor and named in a ceremony as GOD OF GEEKS. Here’s the breakdown: currently he’s taking a PhD in English at Yale University and is going to be doing his art thing at Rhode Island School of Design pretty soon. Before that, he somehow found the time between filming Milk and Howl to take four separate subjects at four separate universities in one go, with 62 credits! That’s more than triple the number the average US collegiate takes. Just gulped down those motherfuckers like it ain’t no thang. Dude doesn’t like to sleep and has a giant cranium stuffed full of proper knowledge. To paraphrase another brainiac, Paris Hilton, that’s hot.

4. Thespian credentials

Nominated for – count ‘em – 22 Best Actor awards, including a Golden Globe, BAFTA and Oscar, this year, the world has caught on to the pretty man’s acting range. 127 Hours might be his best work by Academy standards but we still think he’ was totes overlooked after NAILING IT as James Dean and in that totally forgotten TV movie he did in 2001. And who could forget him as Peter Parker’s vitriolic nemesis in the Spiderman flicks? I’d say a solid $300 million of those box office dollars were down to Franco. I mean, who wants to look at the pallid, spotty flesh mound Tobey Maguire calls a face? (Bit harsh?) And he ain’t afraid to play gay (see Milk, Howl and The Broken Tower), which in a world where Chris Brown and Mel Gibson can let their homophobic flags fly, is a nice change.

5. The brother

Clearly James Franco is so awesome, his parents decided to make another one. They called this new creation, Dave. You might have seen him in the last series of Scrubs but let’s face it, you probably didn’t seeing as it was the season no one saw. He’s in a new video for the massively amazing Cults song ‘Go Outside’ with Emma Roberts (which you can’t actually watch yet unless you live in the US because MTV are music nazis and that’s a fact). You can and should however, check out his insanely adorable interview with brother, James. Think we might have mentioned him?

– Karmel Mandrick

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