The MJ biopic… is a BAD idea.

So word on the street is they’re making a biopic about Michael Jackson – and by ‘they’ I mean Ivan Reitman, the guy behind Ghostbusters and Up In The Air. I could make a really bad joke about ghost-busting and Jackson’s translucent skin tone but it’s kind of frowned upon to speak ill of the dead and there are more pressing issues at hand. Like, who cleared this? Will the biopic cover those tough and no doubt libel-inducing ‘Neverland’ years? Which bit of his warped life will be out of bounds? IS MARTIN BASHIR GONNA MAKE AN APPEARANCE? And of course, who will play Jacko himself? Well, Paddy Power has placed its bets on Johnny Depp as the frontrunner. Yeah, Johnny fucking Depp! So any fantasies you harbour about that guy are gonna be as corpsed as the King of Pop himself (sorry.sorry.sorry)

And the list gets weirder. How about dancer Derek Hough donning the iconic fingerless glove? The public couldn’t even be convinced he was Chezza’s boyfriend for Chrissakes! Maybe Zac Efron is more your preference? Justin ‘who da daddy?’ Bieber? I mean, there’s a certain resemblance…no. Nope. Can’t even pretend to see it. But then maybe the only way to honour someone whose whole life and public persona were so strange and madcap is to reflect that in the casting decision? After all, if Cate Blanchett can man it up as Bob Dylan then why shouldn’t Kevin Bacon moonwalk his way into a pair of slip-ons? (actually, that one I can kind of see).

You might also notice that none of these actors are actually um, black. So even if MJ was on the lighter end of the colour spectrum when he died, are we saying that The Biebs is going to play him in his latter years? When are they starting production on this bitch? 2040? I’m not saying they couldn’t Benjamin Button that shit up but surely there are easier options. Bets are actually pretty 50/50 when it comes to the colour of the actor portraying pop’s most outrageous icon (STEP DOWN Lady Gaga) so after all this, at least we can take away the fact that (yeah I’m gonna go there) it really doesn’t matter if you’re Black Or White (LOLOLOLOL). Ahem. See the full list of contenders for yourself below.

PLACE YOUR BETS NOW PEOPLE.
4/1  Johnny Depp
9/2  Zac Efron
6/1  Usher
6/1  Jaden Smith
8/1  Will Smith
8/1  Jamie Foxx
10/1  Andre 3000
12/1  Justin Timberlake
12/1  Randy Jackson
16/1  Crispin Glover
16/1  Chris Brown
20/1  Chris Tucker
20/1  Jared Leto
20/1  Adrian Grenier
25/1  Derek Hough
40/1  Justin Bieber
40/1  Denzel Washington
40/1  Will.I.Am
40/1  Eddie Murphy
50/1  Kenny Wormald
50/1  Pharell Williams
80/1  Kevin Bacon
100/1  Channing Tatum
100/1  Keanu Reeves

I think I’ll just stick to Moonwalker, fanx.