Tom Cruise jumping up and down on Oprah's sofa

Who will be Tom Cruise’s new victim? // And by ‘victim’, we mean ‘wife’…

If you’ve been keeping up with the celebrity gossip of late (which I like to think you have, if this post has caught your eye), you’ll no doubt know that Katie Holmes has filed for divorce from Xenu-obsessed sofa jumper Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise jumping up and down on Oprah's sofa

Hurray! Joey Potter is free at last! Run as fast as you can, woman, and take that little precocious child Suri and her collection of kitten heels with you!

Now, whilst I quietly sit and pray that Joshua Jackson will dump Diane Kruger (soz Di) and run back into Katie Holmes’ arms to support her throughout her divorce just like Pacey Witter would have done (I’m still not over Dawson’s Creek, ok?!), why don’t we theorize who will become the Cruise-meister’s next piece of flesh?

Because if I know Tom Cruise, and I think I do (since I read a lot of TMZ), he will have a new, younger, prettier model on his arm before the year has ended, actively declaring his love for her to the world whilst jumping on some sort of furniture.

Julianne Hough

Julianne Hough and Tom Cruise

If I were a gambling kind of gal, I would be putting a hefty balance down on this one.

Not only is she desperate enough, she also has extensive *possible* bearding experience through her super-awesome-totally-committed relationship with Ryan Seacrest. Which would absolutely be over in the drop of a hat if Tommy boy came a-callin’.

PLUS there is the fact that they starred in the pile of shit Rock of Ages together, so Tom could totally attempt to save face by being all ‘yeah, I knew Katie was pulling away from me, and I was so lonely, then me and Julianne went to Japan to promote the movie and she held me for hours whilst I cried my eyes out. I just knew then she was special. Our love is so deep‘.

Courtney Stodden

Courtney Stodden

I mean, come on – match made in heaven or what?!

Courtney clearly has no problem with creepy older men, given her ‘happy marriage’ with creepy older man, Doug Hutchinson. Cruise would lap up the column inches that Courtney’s daily half-naked jaunts to the grocery store provide. Although Xenu may have a problem with that.

Also, what is bound to make 33 year old Katie feel bad? Tom marrying 18 year old Courtney, of course!

Ashley Greene

Ashley Greene

Whenever I see a picture of Ashley Greene, I get that line from Mean Girls in my head

…evil takes a human form in Regina George. Don’t be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut-face ho bag, but in reality, she’s much more than that.

HOWEVER, I hear it like this:

… desperation takes a human form in Ashley Greene. Don’t be fooled, because she may seem like your typical attention-seeking, breast-implant-ed, C-list Twilight star who will never be as popular as Kristen Stewart, but in reality, she’s much more than that.

See? Desperation is key. Ashley would agree to attending round-the-clock Scientology meetings if it meant Tom gave her the lead female role in Mission Impossible 5. Imagine what she’ll do for a wedding featured in OK Magazine?!

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift is impossibly perky, with a relatively clean track record that the Scientologists would appreciate (except that she allegedly shagged John Mayer, and he allegedly likes to poo on women’s chests, but that’s a story for another blog post).

Taylor could also compose beautiful country songs about Tom’s big (fake) smile, and how she loves it when he puts his Top Gun aviators on. I also think, after two brunettes (Katie, Mimi Rogers) and a redhead (Nicole Kidman) it’s about time Tom went for a blonde wife.

Most important of all, Taylor fits within the mysterious, probably Xenu-influenced 11-year pattern he likes his wives’ to be part of – Mimi Rogers was born in 1956, Nicole Kidman in 1967, Katie Holmes in 1978 and Taylor in… 1989. CREEPY.

John Travolta

Tom Cruise and John Travolta

We all know it’s meant to be, boys. It’s 2012. Let’s not fight it anymore. No-one gives a shit.

What do you think?

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  • Comments

  • avatar
    Not a Tom Cruise fan


    • avatar
      men are from Mars

      ha ha ha ha! That really made me laugh! His wives are definitely all on 5 year contracts, right???

  • avatar

    My money’s on the boys…

  • avatar
    unusual engagement ring

    Ha ha ha, yes without doubt John will be the new girl

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