Beyonce’s ‘Countdown’ Video // King B for boobs, bobby socks and beatniks…

It was a busy week for Beyonce last week. Not only was she accused of faking her baby bump on a telly appearance in Oz; she’s now also getting her knuckles rapped for stealing iconic looks and moves in her latest video for ‘Countdown’. (No, not Channel 4’s ‘I’ll have a consonant please’ Countdown. The Adria Petty-directed vid for her new song).

I watched the video for the first time today (what? I’ve been away…) – here’s my internal monologue as I eyeballed it…

Smug face and polo neck


Oh look, it’s Beyonce. Wonderful, warbly, beautiful, bouncy Beyonce with her successful career, marriage, baby bump and life. Looking all pretty and ve-ry smug about all this. Bore off, Bey.

Orange her nails nice?


Oooh. Orange nail polish. Purdy. Must pop down to Boots and get involved. If I can’t have her life, I can bastard well get the nails. Except, it’ll no doubt look shite against my pasty pallor. Great.

It’s Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face!


It’s an iconic look: black polo neck, black capri pants, black loafers and white socks. Worn whilst bowling around doing jazzy mime artist moves. And looking hawt.

No wait… it’s Michael Jackson!


When one sees the aforementioned black loafer and chunky white socks combo, one cannot help but recall Michael Jackson, no?

The chirpy trumpets! The snarl!

Started to get a bit confused here, if I’m brutally honest.

Booby shake and bump rub


Sexy. Yet maternal. Oooh, Beyonce, you don’t half fuck about with my chakras. Nice Thierry Mugler cut-away dress. Not so sure ’bout the Vidal Sassoon-esque bowl haircut, mind.

A countdown! With blinking!

No, I already said not that Countdown. *rolls eyes* King B loves blinking, she does.

Migraine inducing colour

Christ alive. I thought it was a TV test screen, till I realised I was watching You Tube. For some reason, it made me think of Mel and Kim


Then follows some serious shoulder shaking and eyebrow wigglin’. I’ve still no idea what she’s singing at this point. Something about a ‘boo boo’. Then it all goes a bit West Side Story, with added drummer  boys and trumpets. Then we enter…

…the oversized shirt sequence


My name is Beyonce and this is me casually lounging  about at home. Y’know, in my boyfriend’s shirt. Doing the hoovering.


We’re then treated to a row of sexy Beyonce-bots in shirts with heels. And some hand fluttering, finger clicking business.



We’re next taken to an open plan Swedish prison where Beyonce twirls about in her PE kit for a bit.

It’s the Beyonce Brady Bunch!


It’s the Brady Bunch. On acid.

Beyonce: the Dreamgirl years


Then Beyonce subliminally reminds us that she’s also carved out a very successful acting career. Just to further rub our faces in it.

Boobs and bobby socks


Here’s the Happy Days style bobby socks I mentioned what-seems-like-a-very-long-time-ago-now. Oh, and more monochramtic boobage. My favourite bit is the mental girl running about in the backgound. Beyonce’s having a sit down now. She’s tired. And so am I.

Tell you what, check out the video in full here – let me know if I missed anything, yeah?

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