Can I get a rewiiiiiiiind? Behind the video // Apollonia 6

Apollonia 6 – Sex Shooter (1984)

Warning: This song and video combo is extremely sexy, if you suffer from a heart condition or plan to suffer from one in the future, I’d be careful.

Apollonia 6(?) was a girl band of 3(?!?) put together by Prince around the time of Purple Rain. Apollonia Kotero (the lead ‘singer’) was his love interest in the film, and is probably best known at least by me and my friends, as the girl who has her privates very much felt up by the man himself, during the uncomfortable love scene that begins with Prince seducing her using a backwards-playing recording of a woman crying. It sounds like she’s having sex you see. But no, she’s crying.
So Prince is deep, as well as alarmingly small.

Cringe memory: My mum and dad once walked in early from shopping when that scene was on and just stood there looking very angry before my mum said; “Is this the kind of filth you watch while we’re at Asda then?”
Bad times. I remember that occasionally when I can’t sleep and my entire body goes rigid with the horror of it.
Anyway, on with the show.

I love this video, because it shows the enduring power of female friendship and how no man can come between a woman and her ‘girls’. Even if that woman and her ‘girls’ dress like they might be giving a substantial chunk of their earnings to a threatening gentleman in a fur coat and a jazzy hat.
In addition to that, it’s absolutely appalling. Enjoy!

0:00 – The song takes a while to start, we have to build the story up first, like good videos do.

0:05 – Starts off innocently enough, lulling us into a false sense of security. Apollonia is talking on the phone, apparently she’s being stood up. She’s so angry about it that she turns Spanish for a moment (I hate it when that happens to me, es molestia,  mi Español es muy malo!).
Who is the crazy shit that would stand up a girl like her?

0:38 – IT’S ONLY PRINCE HIMSELF. So that’s alright then.

0:44 – Apollonia’s band mates arrive. *GUFFAW*
Oh 80s, you did us wrong, so wrong.

0:52 – What’s so fucking funny about “Ready for rehearsal”? Dickhead.

0:57 – Off they all bounce, looking like a public information film encouraging a career in the street corner arts. Check out leather pants bringing up the rear, has he shit himself? You only ever walk like that when you’ve shit yourself, I presume. *whistle*
Oh, and the other one (who we shall name ‘Blouse’) is carrying his ghetto blaster like it’s a piece of cheese. Show some respect you tit.
But do please enjoy this moment. Especially watch the way those two blokes walk, it’s like witnessing terribly crippled newborn giraffes wearing Duran Duran’s hair, trying to escape a predator.

1:10 – 1:19 – I’m hetero, but I would.

1:25 – Pants gives Apollonia his number. Isn’t he supposed to be dating the Germanic blonde lady? I do believe he’s just betrayed her, the despicable devil.

1:34 – The song ACTUALLY starts. I TOLD YOU it did eventually.

1:42 – “I need you to get me off; I’m your bomb baby, ready to explode.”

2:02 – Look over to Pants and Blouse. What the freaking hell is going on there then?

2:14 – Germany bites Apollonia on the leg, presumably in revenge for Pants giving her his number. Now I’m all for film violence, I insist on it actually, but this kind of wanton abuse during a music video just sickens me.
See the look on Apollonia’s face as they resume dancing, you can feel the hurt in her eyes. It’s pure emotional hurt, and that kind of thing cannot be faked.

2:40 – Pants has to be physically restrained by Blouse as the sexy dancing of Apollonia becomes too much for him.

3:20 – Pants can take no more. He’s up and his ready to give them one.

3:28 – He walks in front of them like he’s at the Tesco meat counter, checking out the chicken fillets.

3:38 – He dances awkwardly. Oh dear god someone help him.

3:41 –It must be catching! Blouse now jumps up like an excited monkey and displays his arse in the air. If I remember my David Attenborough, this is classic mating behaviour. Blouse wishes to impregnate one or all of the females to make the herd stronger, or something.

3:45 – Germany is depressed and I don’t think any of us are surprised. She vants to be alone.

3:51 – Pants makes his choice. Apollonia is one lucky lady! Blouse seemingly chooses the other one who thinks ‘Ready for rehearsal?’ is the funniest thing she’s ever heard. Sorry to bring it up again, but it really got my bloody goat.

3:55 – To celebrate his decision, Pants now skids across the floor with his legs wide open and starts shagging a saxophone. It’s a beautiful moment, and if I could see through the tears I’ve cried with laughter, I’m sure I’d be enjoying it.

4:14 – Early girl power here as Apollonia gives Germany the piece of paper with Pants’ number on it. Germany rips it up and the girls laugh happily. So everything is alright and the band are back together as one…for that afternoon at least, as I think that’s how long Apollonia 6 lasted.

4:27 to fade – Possibly the most awkward and hilarious 8 seconds in video history as Blouse and Pants perform until the video fades into merciful black. If either of you is still alive, please get in touch with me, I want to worship you as gods. I’d also like to say sorry for referring to you as Pants and Blouse.

I’m now going to dry my eyes, put the kettle on, and have a coffee. Then I’m going to watch it again.
After that, I’m going to sit and think about John Logie Baird, and try to imagine what he would say if unfortunate enough to witness this part of his great legacy. I think he’d want to apologise to each and every one of us.


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